Are You In an Enmeshed Relationship?

Enmeshment is a lack of separation between you and your partner’s moods, thoughts, needs and desires. This central problem leads to a lot of conflict and confusion, and a loss of individual identity that’s unhealthy for both of you. 

Enmeshment is pretty common, but it isn’t often recognized. Many of my couples counseling clients who are in enmeshed relationships believe they have an especially close connection (and a few *unrelated* problems with communication and conflict). Often the work of effective couples therapy is helping both partners see that their “close connection” is actually a lack of healthy boundaries, so they can find new ways to be emotionally close without fusing together. 

If you think your relationship might be enmeshed, never fear. Enmeshment can take some time to untangle, but it’s like the final boss of relationship issues — once you get a handle on it, everything else is going to feel much easier. I hope this article gives you some ideas about how you can start to do that.

If you’d prefer to listen, I’ve also created an episode of the Love, Happiness and Success podcast on this topic. You can find it on this page (player below), or on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. 

Definition of Enmeshment

Enmeshment happens when two people are over-involved with each other on an emotional level. One or both partners may feel responsible for the other’s emotions, sometimes to the point of struggling to recognize their own feelings. One partner may prioritize the other’s needs and desires over their own. They might seek a lot of validation from each other, struggle to make decisions independently, and experience a lot of anxiety and frustration any time they’re not in perfect agreement. 

Enmeshed relationships can happen between friends, or between parents and children, and within entire family systems, but emotional enmeshment is especially common in romantic relationships. When someone has a pattern of creating enmeshed relationships as an adult, that’s often because they played some dysfunctional roles in their family of origin, like feeling responsible for taking care of adults as a child, or trying to be the peacemaker between family members. Fortunately, it is possible to learn new ways of being that will help you find balance and create a healthier relationship with your partner.

Signs of an Enmeshed Relationship

Read these sentences and ask yourself if any of them sound true for you:

• I can’t do XYZ, because if I do, then my partner will be mad / hurt / disappointed. 

• My partner is upset, so I must be doing something wrong (cue shame and guilt). 

• I can’t be happy if my partner isn’t happy (cue efforts to change how your partner feels, and resentment when it doesn’t work). 

• I need my partner to agree with me before I can make any big decisions (cue nasty arguments, more resentment, and a sense of stuckness and stagnation). 

These enmeshed ways of thinking can lead to high levels of conflict and reactivity in your relationship. When you believe you need your partner to agree with you, or to feel a certain way so that you can feel a certain way, it makes sense to feel frustrated when that’s not happening. You may work really hard to convince your partner to adopt your point of view, and you may defend yourself ferociously against any inkling of criticism if you have trouble allowing each other to have different perspectives. This is how enmeshment leads to nasty fights, and why it’s often the root issue when couples are constantly arguing in their relationships. 

Many people in enmeshed relationships feel like they are being controlled or stifled by their partner. What they usually don’t realize is that they’re buying into a false story: that their emotional state depends on whatever their partner feels, says, or does. This creates resentment, because it genuinely feels like your partner is making you feel bad when you’re emotionally enmeshed. And how dare they!

Finally, being in an enmeshed relationship can erode your sense of self. You might have trouble setting goals that are separate from the goals you share as a couple. Spend enough time in an enmeshed relationship and you might feel like you don’t even know who you are anymore, or what you want or need. Over time, this can lead to depression, and even greater dependence on your increasingly unhealthy relationship. 

How to Stop Enmeshment in Romantic Relationships

Your relationship should not deplete you emotionally, it should be a place of renewal. It should support your personal growth, not stimy it. It should make being the best version of yourself feel easier, not farther out of reach. All of this becomes possible when you begin to shift from enmeshment to healthy interdependence in your relationship.

Stopping enmeshment in your relationship requires you to set boundaries, both internally and with your partner. It means remaining sensitive to your partner’s feelings and needs, without taking them on as your own. 

Here is how you can begin to do that:

1. Recognize enmeshment for what it is

You can’t undo the enmeshment in your relationship until you recognize it and acknowledge the ways it is harming you and your partner. If part of you still believes the myth that enmeshment is a sign of emotional intimacy, true love, or being “soul mates,” that will keep you stuck. 

2. Interrogate guilt and shame

People in enmeshed relationships often feel unhealthy guilt or shame when they set boundaries with their partner, take time for themselves, or when their partner is upset or unhappy. When you notice yourself feeling guilty in your relationship, ask yourself whether that’s really warranted. 

3. Set healthy boundaries

The boundaries you need will depend on your unique needs and your relationship. Some examples of healthy boundaries include: having privacy and physical space to yourself, saying “no” without guilt, and taking responsibility for your part in relationship issues, while allowing your partner to take responsibility for theirs. Healthy boundaries could also look like learning to listen to your partner without trying to “fix” the problem for them.

4. Develop your identity

Some people get into enmeshed relationships because they don’t have a strong sense of self. This is especially true for people who grew up in emotionally enmeshed families. When you focus on yourself, your own goals, and other relationships in your life, you strengthen your sense of self, as well as your relationship with your partner. 

5. Get support

It’s one thing to recognize enmeshment in your relationship, and another thing to change that unhealthy pattern for good. Working with a good couples counselor who understands enmeshment can help you create some healthy separation and avoid falling back into old habits. 

Help for Enmeshed Relationships

I hope this article helps you begin to untangle the web of enmeshment and move toward interdependence. You deserve to enjoy a healthy relationship where there is space for both people’s needs, wants, and feelings to be honored and respected. That is true intimacy and you deserve nothing less. 

If you would like to do this important work with a couples counselor on my team, I invite you to schedule a free consultation. 

With love, 

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

P.S. — For more advice on building a more balanced relationship, check out my “healthy relationships” collection of articles and podcasts.

Music in this episode is by Solskin with their song “We Are One.” You can support them and their work by visiting their Bandcamp page here: https://solskinmusic.bandcamp.com/.  Under the circumstance of use of music, each portion of used music within this current episode fits under Section 107 of the Copyright Act, i.e., Fair Use. Please refer to copyright.gov if further questions are prompted.

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