Breaking Up Because Of Distance But Still In Love

If you’re a dumpee and you’re breaking up because of distance, you’re most likely still in love with your ex. You crave your ex’s closeness and validation, and wish to get back with your ex as soon as possible. Physical distance doesn’t make it any easier for you to let go of your ex and move on. In fact, it likely makes it even harder because it tempts you to act on your pain and do whatever it takes to cut the distance.

Some dumpees get into a car or plane and visit their ex to reason with him or her, while others send love letters, paragraphs of texts, and thoughtful gifts. None of those dumpees surprise their ex (in a good way) and get another chance. Instead of showing their ex the relationship is worth fighting for, they show they can’t live without their ex and that they need their ex to love themselves. As you can imagine, this puts immense pressure on their ex and reduces their ex’s respect and attraction toward them.

Long-distance breakups or breakups because of distance are hard. They’re rejections that cause a denial of love and the benefits of the relationship. They get even harder when the dumper cheats, monkey-branches, and refuses to give closure or support. Such breakups often drive dumpees insane as they destroy their self-esteem and make them think they aren’t worthy of their ex’s love and recognition.

Many times, dumpers merely pretend to break up because of distance. In reality, distance made them connect with someone else and allowed them to use the distance as an excuse to leave a perfectly good relationship. After getting a taste of validation from another person, they claim that distance isn’t working for them anymore and that they must break up and be free. Of course, they only want to be free because they’re ready to date someone closer to them who can fulfill all their emotional and sexual needs.

I’m not saying you’re breaking up because your ex has eyes on someone else, but do consider the possibility that your ex’s feelings may have changed due to him or her envying his or her friends and wanting a “full-time” relationship.

However, if your relationship was unexciting, stagnant, or neglected, then you probably didn’t invest enough in it. You let the distance take its toll and waited for things to magically improve. Because they didn’t, the relationship lost its purpose and fell apart when doubts increased.

As you’ve likely heard many times before, breakups happen for a reason. Something or someone influenced your ex’s mind and made your ex see more negatives than positives. I can’t say what or who that was, but when it happened, your ex began to lose feelings fast and eventually decided to quit. Your ex left you and probably said that he or she would still be with you if it weren’t for the distance.

I’ve seen enough breakups to know that distance itself isn’t the reason couples break up. It’s how couples perceive the distance and what they’re willing to do to overcome it that causes them to break up. Such couples have a poor relationship mentality. They see physical distance as an obstacle because it takes time, money, and effort to travel all the time. As a result, they detach and give more available dating prospects a try.

I don’t judge, but I know that love has no limits or boundaries. It’s infinite, unconditional, and can’t be confined by distance, time, or circumstances. True love transcends obstacles. That’s what makes it special. Conditional love, on the other hand, is about what you individually can get from your partner. If you can get sex, money, power, status, or other relationship benefits, you’re in it purely for yourself, not your partner. That makes your relationship worthwhile only as long as it provides you with certain perks.

When things get difficult, stressful, or confusing, and make you think that you can get your benefits elsewhere, the relationship loses its value and quickly falls apart. It can’t continue to exist when you see it only as a means to benefit from it.

So remember, breaking up because of distance is a decision couples (typically dumpers) make when they lose feelings and the will to be in a limited relationship. They see more advantages in breaking up than in staying together. That explains why they look relieved and happy as soon as they end things and free themselves of relationship obligations.

In this post, we’ll talk about what it means and what to do if you’re breaking up because of distance but still in love.

My ex says he/she still loves me

Let’s get the obvious out of the way first. If your ex claims to still love you but can’t be with you because of distance, your ex clearly doesn’t love you. If your ex loved you, he or she wouldn’t have initiated the breakup in the first place. Your ex would have been too scared to lose you and in too much pain to stay away from you.

Uncertainty would loom over your ex and remind your ex that losing you doesn’t benefit him or her at all.

That’s why it’s important to know the truth, which is that your ex has fallen out of love and that getting back together is impossible, at least right now. Your ex has different goals and plans that don’t involve you. Don’t take it personally, but do keep in mind that your ex certainly doesn’t feel the same way about you. Your ex likely lost feelings weeks ago and spent the last few weeks looking for an opportunity to break up with you.

Distance made it easier for him or her to self-prioritize and postpone the breakup.

If you’re breaking up because of distance but still in love, you’re probably the only one who still has feelings. You wanted to stay with your ex even though the relationship wasn’t always physically available to you. That didn’t stop you from investing in it because you loved your partner and hoped that one day, you’d move in together and continue to pursue relationship goals together.

Since your ex gave up before that happened, you can deduce that your ex stopped valuing the relationship and planning things a while ago. Your ex stopped investing in you and instead focused on his or her hobbies, friends, or interests. You basically stopped being interesting to your ex and held your ex back from doing what he or she wanted. You did this simply by remaining committed to your ex and making him or her feel guilty for not being able to reciprocate your feelings.

Hence, I wouldn’t take your ex’s professions of love seriously. When love is real, dumpers show it by wanting to be close to their, not further away. They verbally and non-verbally express their feelings and ensure their ex wants the same. Mutual feelings and willingness to be together empower them, rather than scare, anger, smother, and overwhelm them.

If you feel that your ex wants space, your ex isn’t breaking a long-distance relationship despite being in love. He or she is doing it for the exact opposite reasons – due to a lack of love. This includes lost connection because of unregulated relationship-damaging thoughts, unresolved problems, and unwanted feelings.

It’s in your best interest not to think that an ex who says nice things to you still loves you. Such beliefs could make you hold on to your ex longer than necessary and perhaps even urge you to beg and plead and stay friends.

What to do if you’re breaking up because of long distance?

If you’re breaking up because of distance but still want to be with your ex, you mustn’t show up at your ex’s place unannounced and reveal your plans to cut the distance. The time after the breakup isn’t the time to take action. It’s time to figure out why your ex used the distance as an excuse not to reconnect emotionally and what you should do to change your ex’s mind.

By “change your ex’s mind.” I don’t mean talking to your ex, hanging out with your ex, staying in touch with your ex’s family, and asking his/her friends to take you back. I’m talking about indirectly influencing your ex to stop thinking negatively about your personality and/or the long-distance relationship.

Obviously, if your ex dislikes long-distance relationships, you can’t suddenly change his or her mind. That’s something your ex will have to change on his or her own – during no contact.

Your ex will have to give his or her post-breakup life an honest try and see whether things have improved without you. Note that this could take a very long time. It could take years or longer for your ex to become so miserable that he or she reflects on the long-distance relationship, misses you, and wants you back. Since you can’t predict when or if your ex will realize the value of the abandoned relationship, you must stay away from your ex indefinitely.

Stay in indefinite no contact and let your ex reach out to you when he/she is ready.

While you’re waiting for that to happen, work on yourself and keep yourself busy with people and things that make you happy. Don’t just wait for your ex to have an epiphany. Use this time to grow within and become someone your ex will regret leaving. Your ex needs to see that you’ve outgrown him or her maturity and happiness-wise, and that getting back with you would be the quickest way to secure short and long-term happiness and success, whatever success means to your ex.

Bear in mind that your ex will have to change his or he perception of you and long-distance relationships. Your ex will have to put you first and want any kind of relationship as long as it’s with you. But for that to happen, a lot will likely need to go wrong in your ex’s life first. Your ex will likely have to date other people, fail with them, compare them to you, and realize that you were his or her most compatible partner.

You might not want your ex back after that. Many dumpees don’t want to get back together because they have no interest in being with someone who had to sleep with half the town just to realize their worth. Maybe you’re okay with your ex dating other people now that you’re hurt. But you may not be once you recover and discover your worth.

Whether you want your ex is up to you, but if I were you, I’d take the long-distance relationship breakup just as seriously as any other breakup. Breakup, no matter the form, is an indication that the dumper stopped valuing you, investing in you emotionally, fixing problems, and caring about everything you did for the relationship. The dumper probably became doubtful due to the temptation to be with someone else.

Whether that person was real, imagined, or someone your ex barely knew, it doesn’t change the fact that your ex believed he or she would be happier without you.

Having said that, here’s what you should do when you’re breaking up because of distance but still in love.

Long-distance is a blessing in disguise

Long-distance breakups don’t have many upsides, but one of them is that you won’t have to worry about unexpectedly running into your ex and not knowing what to say or do. You won’t have to be scared of your ex’s reaction and obsessively wonder whether your ex even respects you. Unlike ordinary dumpees, you’ll be able to focus entirely on your healing, happiness, and growth.

Fortunately, you don’t need your ex physically close to you to recover emotionally. You’ll heal much quicker if you know that your ex is far away and that you won’t accidentally see him or her in public.

So consider your long-distance relationship breakup a blessing in disguise. Due to the nature of the breakup, you’ll think about your ex less every day and slowly get your ex out of your head. You’ll still have to do no contact and throw away reminders of your ex, but you’ll have one major problem less to worry about.

The longer you go without seeing your ex or worrying about running into him or her, the more you’ll regain your happy, detached self.

I advise you to stay in no contact and deal with temptations to reach out to your ex. Gradually, the need to converse with your ex will wane, returning your rationality and making it easier for you to see your ex for the person he or she truly is.

Your ex has to change his/her mindset

No matter how badly you want your ex to return and love you, you must understand that your ex’s return doesn’t depend entirely on you. Your actions matter, but not nearly as much as your ex’s well-being and mindset. To return, your ex must change his or her long-distance beliefs, perceptions of you, and willingness to invest in you. Without a major shift in perspective, your ex is unlikely to come back, even if you’re his or her perfect match.

Try to remember that exes come back when they run out of options and get hurt. Pain and desperation tell them to seek acceptance, validation, and security from exes who made them feel the strongest emotions. You could be one of those exes, provided your ex fails to reach his or her goals and remembers your good qualities and moments.

It’s important not to ignore your ex’s feelings and try to change your ex’s mindset by force. Force will make your ex feel pressured and disrespected. It will likely bring a negative reaction out of your ex and significantly reduce his or her respect, curiosity, and regret. If you want to be in a relationship with your ex, you must let your ex learn the lessons he or she needs to learn. These lessons can only be learned through failure, unmet expectations, and anxiety or pain.

It sucks, but that’s what it takes to get back with an ex-partner. Whether you broke up long-distance or no distance, your ex must find a reason to grow and see your romantic potential. When your ex notices it, your ex will probably contact you and show you that his or her mindset has changed completely.

So don’t reason with your unreasonable long-distance ex. Instead, let go of the need to control the situation and focus on yourself. When you feel better and come across as strong and purposeful, your ex will be more likely to notice the change—and possibly question his or her decision. Your ex may start to wonder if he or she misjudged you and if the relationship can be salvaged.

Did you break up because of the long distance? Do you want to move on, but you’re still in love with your ex? Leave a comment in the comments section below.👇

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My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.