“Chance made us colleagues. Fun and laughter made us friends.” ~Unknown
A year into my new job, I realized that the hardest part wasn’t the complexity of the work—it was the culture. The office felt like a maze of silos, each person isolated in their corner. The hierarchy was more than just a structure—it was something everyone was constantly reminded of. I was used to navigating high-pressure, competitive environments, but this one was different.
As a woman in STEM, I had learned early on to keep my personal life separate from my work life. This boundary helped me maintain control, protect my privacy, and avoid becoming the subject of office gossip. It worked for years. But the longer I stayed, the more I felt the weight of that separation. I was increasingly feeling isolated, even in a room full of colleagues.
For years, I had adhered to the motto: I’m here to do a job, not make friends. I thought I was maintaining professionalism. But here’s the truth: What happens when you spend so much of your waking life in a place that doesn’t let you connect? How can you keep thriving if you aren’t allowed to be fully human, to engage in real, meaningful relationships?
The paradoxes of modern work culture are everywhere:
- “Create your own destiny”—but also “Surrender to the universe.”
- “Work smarter, not harder”—but “Success comes from hustle.”
- “Don’t tie your identity to your job”—yet when you meet someone, the first question is, “What do you do?”
- “Collaboration is key”—but everyone is really looking out for themselves.
These contradictions left me feeling more lonely than fulfilled. The boundaries I had set to protect myself had instead built walls, ones that made me feel increasingly disconnected. It took me a while to even notice how long I was working, or how late I was staying just to “prove” I was worthy of the job. The high turnover rate was a sign that others weren’t faring much better.
Breaking Down Walls, One Connection at a Time
But then something unexpected happened. A colleague, stationed right next to me, began to shift everything. She had this unshakable warmth about her. She had big brown eyes and a smile that lit up the room, and more than that—she cared.
She asked how I was doing, and it wasn’t just casual small talk. It felt real. Unlike many others in the office, she didn’t need to remind anyone of her place in the hierarchy. It was a breath of fresh air. In her presence, I felt seen. Not just as an employee, but as a person.
For the first time, I realized I had been isolating myself, not just from my colleagues, but from the very kind of connection that could make work feel less like a grind and more like a community. Letting her in was a major shift for me, one I didn’t fully appreciate at the time. But in hindsight, I see that her presence became a lifeline—one that helped me reframe what work could really be about.
Over the course of my career, I’d met incredible colleagues—mentors, references, even leaders who helped propel my career forward. But none of them had ever become true friends. She, however, became a friend in the truest sense of the word. She listened without judgment, understood without needing to fix, and was a presence that made the office feel less lonely. We remained friends even after I moved on to my dream job.
And here’s what I’ve come to realize: it’s absurd that we spend so much of our time at work, yet we often avoid forming meaningful, lasting friendships with the people we work alongside. It’s as if we’re all conditioned to believe that work is a place to be productive and professional, and friendship is something that exists elsewhere, in other spaces.
It’s a lie.
Work doesn’t have to be a place of isolation. It can—and should—be a place where we bring our full selves, where connection and kindness are valued as much as competence and productivity. I still value privacy. Not every coworker is a safe space. But the idea that friendships cannot begin in the workplace? That’s the real myth.
Here’s the truth: We all deserve to feel connected, supported, and seen, especially in the places where we spend so much of our time. So, why not break the mold? We don’t have to throw away professional expectations, but we can create new rules—ones that make room for authenticity, kindness, and connection.
Let’s rewrite the narrative of what work can be. Yes, we must adhere to boundaries and professionalism, but let’s remember that humanity is not a weakness—it’s our greatest strength.
Practical Tips for Making Meaningful Friendships in the Workplace
Clarity on Personal Values and Needs
For any friendship to form—whether at work or beyond—it’s essential to understand what we value and need in a meaningful connection. True friendships aren’t just about proximity or convenience; they are about aligning with people who share our core values and support our growth.
Through my own experiences, I’ve realized that I deeply respect and connect with people who have strong morals and live by their benevolent principles. I gravitate toward those who are humble and grounded enough to challenge their own beliefs in moments of conflict but who also stand firm against injustice when it truly matters. It took me years to recognize just how much I needed this type of person in my life.
To cultivate meaningful friendships, we must first ask ourselves: What makes a friendship truly fulfilling for me? When we are clear on our own values and needs, the effort required to build those connections feels worthwhile.
Reflecting on past and present friendships can reveal patterns—what has worked, what hasn’t, and what truly matters to us. While this type of reflection is often encouraged for romantic relationships, it’s just as valuable for friendships. When we understand who we are, what we need, and who complements our strengths and weaknesses, we can pursue connections that genuinely enrich our lives.
This introspection may be the hardest part—but once we have clarity, the rest becomes much easier.
Maintain Healthy Boundaries
Building friendships at work doesn’t mean oversharing or blurring professional lines. It’s about fostering trust, mutual respect, and human connection—without pressure to disclose every detail of our personal lives. Meaningful workplace friendships can grow even while maintaining privacy.
It’s also important to recognize that not every colleague will be open to deep friendships, and that’s okay. Focus on organic connections rather than forcing relationships that don’t naturally align.
Trust Your Intuition
You likely already have a sense of your coworkers’ personalities—whether through morning greetings, meetings, team events, or casual conversations. Pay attention to the people who make you feel at ease, who you enjoy speaking with, and around whom you feel most like yourself.
Trust your instincts about who feels warm and safe. Meaningful connections often start with a simple gut feeling.
Break the Ice with Small but Genuine Gestures
If no one has approached you first, take the initiative. Start small:
- Ask a coworker to grab a coffee with you.
- Chat about shared experiences—projects, books, hobbies, weekend plans.
- Accept invitations when they come your way. I’ve turned down coffee and lunch invites in the past, overwhelmed by my workload—only to realize later how much I had missed out on. If possible, say yes.
Pay Attention, Get Creative, and Have Fun
Sometimes, the smallest moments create the deepest connections.
At one of my workplaces, there was an auction where one of the prizes included two tickets to a Harry Potter play at a local theater. I discovered that a coworker shared my love for Harry Potter and the theater, so I suggested we buy our own tickets and go together. We were both ecstatic—and it became a memory that strengthened our friendship.
If you enjoy deeper conversations, suggest an after-work drink following a major project. This keeps the gathering work-related but also allows space for connection and shared recovery from stress.
When planning activities, don’t hesitate to suggest things that excite you. Passion is contagious—when you light up about something, others feel it too.
What You Seek is Seeking You
If you’re searching for meaningful connections, trust that others are looking for the same. There is no one-sided win—friendship is always a mutual gift.
Meaningful relationships, even in a professional setting, have the power to bring joy, support, and belonging. And in a world where we spend most of our waking hours at work, that kind of connection can be life-changing.
About Kate Pejman
Kate Pejman is an engineer, climate change advocate, and the creator of The Benevolent Series. Through candid interviews and personal stories, she explores life at the intersection of authenticity, relationships, and freedom—examining both what we lose and what we gain in the process. You can find her at www.thebenevolentseries.com. You can find her on Instagram here.
