How many of you went looking for a nice relationship and ended up with a PhD in toxic personality disorders?
I’ve seen this meme a few times in narcissist abuse recovery groups. The first time I saw it I nearly choked on my coffee. “Yes!” I shouted to the cats, who yawned and said yeah, well, we tried to tell you….
But seriously folks, one of the most heartbreaking things about being a target of narcissistic abuse is that none of us went looking for it. Let me repeat that. None. Of. Us. Went. Looking. For. It. Not in our families, not in our workplaces, not in a friendship, and certainly not in an intimate partner. We may be flawed and imperfect as human beings tend to be. We may be works in progress. We may have annoying habits and limiting beliefs. But none of us went looking to be a target of abuse. We went looking for something positive and productive.
But when the scales fell from our eyes, we had to figure out what this thing we got involved in really was. It’s common for survivors of abuse to dive deep into books, YouTube videos, documentaries, and blogs like this one. (To such an extent sometimes that there are even videos entitled “How to Know if You Are Watching Too Many YouTube Videos on Narcissism.”)
Why is this? Because the way narcissists treat those around them goes profoundly against the grain of human relatedness. We are wired to connect, to trust, to love, and to support. It’s how we’ve survived for thousands of years. So when we are treated in the opposite manner, no matter how hard we may be trying to be a positive force in the relationship, it’s confusing to say the least.
And so, many of us fall down the rabbit hole of the narcissism abuse recovery world, and thank goodness it is there. We benefit greatly from the wisdom of both experts and fellow travelers. Their advice and stories help us put our own experiences into context, illuminating the patterns and tendencies of these toxic personalities so that we can depersonalize the abuse and see it for what it is. Not our fault and not what we signed up for.
And if we spend enough time there, yes, it may feel like we’ve gotten a PhD in narcissistic abuse and toxic personalities. And if this helps us avoid it in the future and help others to recognize it too, well, then, I’m not saying it was worth it, but at least we got something out of the whole mess.
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Previously Published on But Now I know Your Name
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