Knowing how to help someone get help isn’t always easy, but you do have the power to have a positive impact on the lives of the people you care about.
I know that many of my counseling and coaching clients are kept up at night by worries about someone they care about. Unfortunately, most of us will have this experience at some point. There are many people who are depressed, addicted, or just not getting the help they need to live happy, healthy lives. And while none of us have the power to rescue others, fight their battles, or override their choices, we do have an important role to play in the lives of the people we care about: to hold up a mirror that reflects what we see, with compassion and honesty.
If you wish your loved one would get into therapy for depression, anxiety, or another mental health issue, or undergo treatment for an addiction, or get support with ending an unhealthy relationship, this article is all about how you can help. If you’d prefer to listen, I’ve also created an episode of the Love, Happiness and Success podcast on this topic. You can find it on this page, Apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.
And I also want to give you a heads up that this article and podcast episode touch briefly on suicide, although it’s not the main focus. Take care if you need to.
How to Help Someone that Won’t Help Themselves
As much as you may want to come to the rescue of the friend or loved one you’re concerned about, having the right mindset when you’re helping someone get help is really important. If you go into the situation understanding 1) what you can do, 2) what you can’t do, and 3) how the process of growth and change looks, you’ll have the best chance of being genuinely supportive, rather than critical, enabling, or overburdened with other people’s problems.
There are a few things you can do to help your loved one who’s struggling. First, you can be an open door. Allow them to share what they’re going through with you without judgment or criticism, which will only lead them to feel shame and to hide things from you. This can be really tough to do when the person you care about is acting out in ways that are self-destructive, like using drugs or staying in a toxic relationship. But their relationship with you is like a lifeline that they can use to pull themselves out of the darkness when they decide they want help. In the meantime, you need to keep that relationship strong by offering empathy and emotional safety.
Being an open door means being a good listener. That means listening without talking and validating their emotions and perspective. You don’t have to agree with someone to validate them emotionally, you just have to acknowledge that their feelings are real and that they make sense. You can also express care and concern. Empathy creates connection, and it lets them know you have been through hard stuff too and that you understand.
Before you share your point of view or any advice, ask them if they want that. It’s natural to want to offer solutions, but when people receive unsolicited advice, they feel criticized, especially when they’re going through something that they feel ashamed about. Instead, try to stay in a receptive space where you’re seeking to understand them, while also letting them know you could offer your perspective, if and only if it’s welcome and wanted.
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How the Growth Process Works
Any time someone takes a big, positive step forward in their lives — like seeking counseling for depression, or entering an addiction recovery program, or cutting the cords to a toxic relationship — it’s the result of a deep, internal personal growth process that is invisible to outside observers.
When you don’t understand how the growth process works, it can be pretty frustrating. You might feel like watching your loved one bang their head against a brick wall again and again, ignoring your pleas for them to just stop hurting themselves. In reality, what looks like no progress at all can be an important stage of growth. Understanding this will help you stay hopeful and compassionate.
Every growth process begins with subjective distress. Something unwanted is happening in their life that is causing them pain and suffering. This is just how human beings work — nobody does the hard work of making deep changes in our lives unless something feels bad. In this way, pain and trauma are the catalyst of growth. When your loved one is in this stage of growth, your role is to give them the space to understand and experience their dark emotions, without shutting it down, trying to fix it, or trying to jump over the other stages of growth by pushing them to move directly into change. Offering validation and emotional support at this stage can help them feel their feelings and stay in the ring with them for long enough to move into the next stage of growth.
Next, we begin to become more self-aware. We reflect on the pain that we’re feeling, why it’s happening, and the role we might be playing in creating the problems we’re experiencing. At this stage, the person is becoming more empowered to draw their own connections and insights. Even if it sounds like they’re just talking about how terrible everything is, they’re likely building self-awareness even if they’re not landing on any solutions yet.
Next, we begin experimenting with doing something different. This stage of growth can have a lot of starts and stops, but it’s an important part of the process. An alcoholic may experiment with only drinking wine and beer, or only drinking on the weekends, for example. They may try three dozen half-measures that fail before they’re finally humbled enough to reach for effective help with getting sober. Don’t lose hope if you see your loved one taking stabs at change only to fall back into old habits. This is all part of the growth process.
Finally, with enough effort, we begin to land on changes that stick. At this stage, the alcoholic may be sober, avoiding places where others will be drinking, and attending several support meetings a week. They have mastered a few new habits that are working for them, and they’re making them a part of their lives. Eventually, they will be able to maintain these habits and their sobriety without a lot of thought and effort. The change will be theirs to keep.
Of course, this rarely goes smoothly. It’s totally normal to get “stuck” at one stage of the growth process for quite awhile, and this can be draining and scary if you’re watching your loved one’s life fall apart over a prolonged period of time. You may be listening to them talk about problems for months or even years without connecting the dots or making any changes. Or you might be watching them try to make changes again and again, only to fall back into old habits.
If your loved one is stuck in the growth process, you can validate their stuckness and have empathy for it, while also letting them know that there are well-established paths forward (in the form of therapy or coaching). You’re letting them know that there is a way to resolve their problem — but it’s not by continuing to vent to you, or to rely on you in other ways that may be enabling destructive behavior. This sets a healthy boundary for you, while also providing them with appropriate guidance for moving forward. It returns the control and the empowerment to make things better back to where it belongs.
Healthy Boundaries when Supporting a Loved One
Unfortunately, kind, compassionate people who care about other people’s wellbeing can be vulnerable to overgiving in a way that’s not healthy for them, or for their loved ones. Despite wanting nothing but to help, you may unintentionally create a codependent relationship dynamic that keeps both of you stuck.
To have a healthy relationship with someone who’s in a bad place, you need to be able to set boundaries. Crucially, healthy boundaries are not about controlling what someone else will do — they’re about having clarity about what is your responsibility in a relationship and what is not, and deciding how you will respond to unwanted behavior from others.
For example, rather than telling your friend with substance abuse issues that they can’t get high when you’re together, you might say, “I can’t be around you when you’re using. If I notice you’re high, I’m going to leave.”
It can also be important to set limits with people who have a tendency to view themselves as victims, and an unwillingness to recognize the role that they’re playing in creating their own outcomes. We all get stuck in this place from time to time, but if a victim mindset is pervasive and doesn’t shift, it can interfere with their ability to grow in the ways that make change possible. Rather than reinforcing their victim mindset by validating it, tell the person that you notice them blaming others a lot, and while you’re happy to talk about things that they have the power to control and change, you don’t want to talk about other people’s wrongdoings anymore.
It’s also important to set and hold boundaries with someone who seems to be using you as a “venting person,” without a genuine desire to change. Let them know that you worry you might be condoning or enabling them to stay stuck in their problems by being a willing ear, and that you don’t want to do that any more, because you care about them. It can feel selfish to set boundaries with someone you care about when they’re going through a hard time, but it’s an important part of emotional self-care that can help you remain healthy and supportive.
When to Intervene
There are times when it is appropriate to take a more active role in intervening in someone else’s problem, even if they’re not talking to you about it.
First and foremost, if you are worried that the person may be at risk of suicide, don’t hesitate to address it openly with the person and to call help. If you call for help, request a trained mental health professional, not a regular police officer unless you have no other option. You can also get your friend or loved one to the emergency room, which will have psychologists on staff who can offer immediate help. This might sound a little extreme, but if you’re worried the person’s life is in danger, don’t think twice.
Even if you’re not concerned about suicide, mental health issues can make it difficult for the person to seek help themselves, which means you may have to take a more active role in assisting them. If your friend is deeply depressed, for example, they may literally lack the energy and motivation to book an appointment with a therapist. You may have to offer to handle some of the logistics in order for them to take the first step.
Support for Helpers
People who need to intervene with friends or loved ones often experience a lot of self-doubt. It can feel like you’re being mean or critical by talking openly about your loved one’s problem, which they likely feel a lot of guilt and shame about. But these are courageous conversations that we all have a responsibility to have when they’re needed. Helping someone get help can and does save lives.
And if you are on a mission of growth in your own life, you likely could use some support for having healthy relationships with other people who may be in different places. If you’d like support from a relationship expert on our team, I invite you to schedule a free consultation.
xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
P.S. — You can find more advice like this in our “personal growth” and “healthy relationships” collections of articles and podcasts. I hope you’ll check them out — they’re there for you.
If you or someone you know are struggling with suicidal thoughts, you can dial the 24/7 National Suicide Prevention hotline at 988 or go to SuicidePreventionLifeline.org.
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How to Help Someone Get Help
The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
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Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, BCC PhD, LP, LMFT, BCC