It’s quite common for dumpees and dumpers to text each other after the breakup. Text messages have a purpose. And their purpose varies depending on who and when sends them. If the dumpee sends them right after the breakup, it almost always means that the dumpee is nostalgic, in pain, and wants to get back together.
The dumpee is emotionally withdrawing from a lack of love, so the dumpee thinks he or she can feel loved by contacting the dumper and demanding time and affection. Such expectations never come to fruition as the dumper feels pressured and pushes the dumpee away.
However, if the dumper is the one who texts the dumpee, it usually shows that the dumper feels bored, curious, or guilty and that he or she wants the dumpee to be his or her texting buddy. Via texts or calls, the dumper can appease his or her guilty conscience and move on without regrets.
Therefore, dumpers text dumpees for completely different reasons. They don’t experience post-breakup blues, caused by separation anxiety and fear, but they do worry they were too harsh on their ex and think they should get back on good terms with the dumpee.
Downgrading from relationship to friendship helps them feel better about ending a relationship or the way they ended it.
Of course, not every dumper cares about his or her attitude and behavior because not every dumper lives by a strong moral code. Those dumpers who do have strong moral values tend to reach out for themselves after they’ve had some time to enjoy their space and freedom.
Guilt affects such dumpers a lot as it makes them seek forgiveness and self-acceptance.
So if your ex is texting you, bear in mind that not all exes reach out for the same reasons. Some exes (dumpers) usually just check up on their ex and try to bury the hatchet/alleviate guilt. Dumpees, on the other hand, feel that they’re losing control of their emotions and think they have no choice but to reach out to feel accepted and regain control.
Both dumpees and dumpers often forget that their ex can’t help them get what they want and need and that they shouldn’t text each other for as long as they’re dealing with their own issues. Their own issues include getting over each other, dealing with guilt and regrets, correcting their mistakes, and making sure they grow as people.
They should (or rather can) converse only when they have no more romantic expectations, unprocessed emotions, and desires to reconnect. That’s when they can be friends, provided they want that and that their new partners are okay with it.
It can feel tempting to befriend your ex after the breakup as not speaking with your ex can make you feel selfish, mean, or immature. It can feel as though you’re not being nice to someone who was nice to you when you were still together.
My advice is not to look at it that way. The breakup has nothing to do with the relationship. It’s a completely different thing. As a dumpee, you need to protect your broken heart and the emotions that make your life difficult.
And as a dumper, you have two responsibilities; allow your ex to heal and allow yourself to recover in ways you need to recover. You can do that by leaving your ex alone and going through your own breakup stages.
Your ex needs to grieve. Don’t hinder your ex’s grieving by texting your ex and engaging in meaningless conversations. By all means, help your ex cope if that’s what your ex needs to heal.
But don’t talk about your regrets (deep topics) that would give your ex hope and prevent your ex from letting go of the relationship. If you want to help your ex, give your ex closure (answers) when your ex asks for it, and by doing so, give your ex a chance to get over you.
Staying in touch only causes problems with your ex’s self-reliance and delays the time it takes your ex to process the separation.
You must remember that your ex is texting you to get something from you and that you (the dumper) aren’t able to help your ex when the reason your ex is hurting is your absence and a lack of affection. More of you will only make your ex more dependent on you for happiness and less eager to push through the breakup without you.
That’s why you must understand when to help the dumpee and when to show or tell the dumpee he or she shouldn’t be texting you and relying on you too much. Most of the time, the best way to help the dumpee is to leave the dumpee to his or her devices and avoid showing off your new life on social media.
In this article, we analyze the reasons why your ex keeps texting you and show you how to handle your ex’s texts as a dumpee and a dumper.
Why is my ex texting me after I left him/her?
If you left your ex recently and your ex is texting you, your ex is texting you to obtain your validation. Your ex is struggling with the breakup and wants you back so you can ease his or her anxiety and fears.
By getting back together, your ex would essentially give up on working on getting over you and instantly feel better. No longer would your ex feel abandoned, lonely, and unworthy of love. Such feelings would dissipate because your ex would feel accepted and prioritized again.
Since your ex currently doesn’t feel that way, your ex is hoping that texts recreate the spark you both felt when communication was flowy. Your ex doesn’t know that you don’t want to feel the spark and that you’d rather focus on yourself and your happiness.
You’d rather not text an ex you developed negative feelings for and no longer feel happy around.
Obviously, your silence conveys that clearly. But your ex doesn’t want to accept it due to all the wonderful memories and reminders of how great the relationship used to be. Your ex doesn’t understand or want to understand that perceptions and feelings change when people don’t work on them and find ways to keep them healthy.
So in a nutshell, your ex is in denial and/or feels hopeful and wishes to somehow trigger your old feelings and cravings. Most dumpees want their ex back. They think their ex is confused and that they should use various text-your-ex-back techniques to reattract their ex.
Such dumpees don’t know that there are no text-your-ex-back techniques. They don’t exist because when the dumper initiates the breakup, nothing and no one can convince him or her to give the relationship another chance.
The dumper feels a myriad of negative emotions that he or she associates with the dumper.
Others can influence the dumper a bit, but if the dumper returns because a friend says he/she should, the dumper soon leaves again. The dumper just doesn’t stick around for long, mainly because he or she doesn’t have the same enthusiasm for the relationship to succeed as his or her friend.
The dumper needs his own reasons for wanting to be in the relationship. And those reasons have to stem from love. If they’re superficial, the dumper doesn’t come back or leaves again after a couple of weeks of coming back.
So if your dumpee ex is texting you and you don’t know why your ex is doing that, remember that your ex is having a hard time accepting the breakup or coping with it.
Either way, your ex needs to see your compassion. He or she still admires you (probably too much) and needs to realize that you’re not his or her ideal partner and someone who can help him/her get through the whole breakup.
You can help your ex accept the breakup by answering your ex’s answers compassionately, but you can’t continue to talk as if the split never happened. Your ex needs to find his/her own strength and ways to cope whereas you need to disassociate from your ex and focus on yourself.
If you can’t focus on yourself because your ex keeps texting you, chances are you’ll feel overwhelmed, become impatient, and hurt your ex. Your ex needs to be aware of this so your ex doesn’t suffer unnecessarily.
Not all dumpees understand what to do and not to do after a breakup. Many dumpees must be told that what they’re doing isn’t helping anyone and that they shouldn’t reach out anymore. They need to see that post-breakup friendship is counterproductive and that the fastest way to heal is to stay away from their ex.
Your ex will get over you eventually, but he or she will need lots of time and reflection. I’m talking about months of self-distraction. Until your ex is almost fully healed, expect your ex to reach out from time to time and try to learn if anything is new with you.
Dumpees tend to do that when they’re having a tough time coping with anxiety.
The reason your ex is texting you, therefore, is that your ex is going through a rough patch and wants to cling to you for validation, love, and happiness. Such emotions boost your ex’s ego and self-esteem and give your ex hope that you’ll get back together.
Hope is essential to a dumpee who feels rejected, lost, and miserable. Hope empowers the dumpee and stops the dumping from hurting himself or herself on purpose. But on the other hand, too much hope becomes false hope and prevents the dumpee from letting go of the dumper.
The dumpee needs just the right amount of hope to see things realistically and cope with the breakup.
Why is my ex texting me after he/she left me?
If your ex left you and is texting you, your ex is basically breadcrumbing you. Breadcrumbing means that your ex wants the best of both worlds (occasional friendship without commitment) and has selfish reasons for staying in touch with you.
Those reasons could be anything from boredom, guilt, jealousy, or shame to having money problems, wanting emotional support, and being afraid of losing you completely. The dumper breadcrumbs an ex with the expectation to take from the dumpee.
In other words, he or she wants something for nothing. This hurts the dumpee as it gives the dumpee hope and leaves him or her feeling used.
If your ex is texting you after leaving you and doesn’t bring up reconciliation, you need to understand that your ex has no intention of getting back with you. Dumpers don’t message the dumpee to see if it’s possible to be in a relationship and let go of fears of getting hurt again.
Dumpers string their exes along because they don’t know or care what they’re doing to their ex. They have no idea their actions make the breakup super hard for the dumpee. Some dumpers even get angry when their ex doesn’t communicate with them and call their ex names.
That may be extreme, but the point is dumpers who lack breakup knowledge and an understanding of themselves and their ex cause their ex tons of pain.
They make it seem as if they’re getting ready to be with their ex again when in reality, they’re just getting comfortable around their ex and feel relieved that their ex doesn’t hate them and want nothing to do with them.
Dumpers typically text their ex for the benefits their ex can provide. If their ex can help them financially or emotionally and helps them feel better, they tend to keep their ex around. Friendship allows them to keep their ex at a distance that feels right to them.
However, if their ex can help them forgive themselves for behaving irresponsibly and causing pain, they tend to message their ex because of guilt and stop texting their ex or texting their ex apologetically. Dumpers don’t text their ex for no reason.
They get something out of it. Something they usually don’t tell their ex about. They prefer to get what they need without telling their ex.
Seldom do they say things like:
- I feel bad for hurting you
- I need your help with something
- The reason I’m reaching out is…
Dumpers instead put their requests in sneakily by using words like “Anyway, by the way, do you happen to know…” Occasionally, they also say “I just wanted to see how you were doing, I was thinking about you, I miss you, let me know if you need anything.”
Instead of directly admitting they feel bad and nostalgic, they show concern and make their ex feel respected and cared for. This, sadly, messes with their ex’s brain and delays their suffering.
You need to keep in mind that when the dumper ex texts you and the conversation doesn’t immediately lead to your ex apologizing and asking to meet up/being exclusive, the dumper doesn’t want you back. He or she just wants to get something that only you can give.
Until your ex knows you’re not ready for friendship and that you need space, your ex is, unfortunately, going to keep texting you and making you wonder what the deal is.
With that said, here’s a comparison infographic, illustrating why dumpees and dumpers text each other.
Your ex texts you after the breakup because it helps your ex. You need to figure out how your responses help your ex so you can then do something about them. You don’t want to keep tolerating them for no reason. Especially not if your ex is the dumper because breadcrumbs hinder your well-being and delay healing.
I encourage you to look at your ex’s attitude toward you and see if your ex wants to get back with you or just talk to you.
Now that you know why your ex is texting you over and over again, let’s discuss your options for handling the reach-outs.
What to do when your ex keeps texting you
The first time your ex reached out, you were anxious, happy, and reassured all at once. You were glad your ex spoke to you and showed you that he or she cared about you enough to reach out.
You took it as a good sign as you thought your ex finally processed the breakup and mustered the courage to reach out. It didn’t take you long to realize that nothing had changed for your ex emotionally and growth-wise and that the reason your ex reached out was to check up on you, rather than to get back with you.
That was disappointing, but also the perfect time for you to tell your ex you weren’t ready to talk and that you’d appreciate it if he or she didn’t message you anymore. Since you probably didn’t tell your ex to give you space, your ex didn’t know how you felt and what you wanted.
Your ex thought you were happy to stay in touch and as a result, reached out again.
This is how your ex continued to give you hope whenever he/she thought it was a good idea to reach out and engage in pointless conversation.
Although some dumpers reach out despite their ex telling them not to, the majority of dumpers don’t. Most dumpers respect their ex and themselves and stay away from their ex when their ex asks to be left alone.
Only immature and selfish dumpers keep contacting their ex and resetting their ex’s healing. Such dumpers need to be warned that the next time they reach out, they’ll get blocked and remain blocked.
On the other hand, if your dumpee ex keeps reaching out, the situation is a bit different. If the breakup just happened, you should try understanding your ex’s feelings and pain.
You should remember that your ex is experiencing gut-wrenching separation anxiety and that cutting your ex off and treating your ex like a nobody could be devastating for your ex. It could cause your ex to slip into depression and experience suicidal thoughts.
You should do your best to help the dumpee get through the early breakup stages by:
- Helping your ex when your ex has difficulty coping with the breakup.
- Leaving your ex alone when he or she is doing fine.
The sooner you understand what your ex needs from you to feel better and what you need to be happy, the sooner you’ll allow yourself and your ex to get through the breakup.
Is your ex texting you and you don’t know why? What was your response? Share your breakup experiences, thoughts, and questions in the comments below.
And if you’d like to discuss your ex’s texting habits with us, subscribe to coaching for personalized assistance.
