If you begged and pleaded with your ex and are wondering if going no contact can still work on your ex, know that the majority of dumpees do a little bit of begging and pleading. Most dumpees get hit with the breakup out of the blue and react impulsively.
They think that their ex can still be reasoned with and that by begging for another chance, they can show how important the relationship is to them. Little do they know that begging doesn’t give the dumper what he or she needs to be happy. It doesn’t assuage the dumper’s guilt and make the dumper want to work on the relationship.
Sometimes a little bit of begging works, but because the dumpee throws away all of his or her dignity and promises to do all the work, the dumper hogs all the power and doesn’t do anything internally to change the outcome of the relationship. The dumper just passively carries on with the same mentality and as a result, waits until he or she stops feeling bad for the dumpee and starts feeling unfulfilled and suffocated.
That’s when another breakup occurs. No amount of begging and pleading can save a relationship from going down the path that it was destined to follow.
So do your best to avoid begging and pleading. Begging not only makes you look weak, but it also says that you’ll do all the work and attempt to solve your ex’s problems for him. You have to remember that the one who has to change his current thinking patterns is your ex. Your ex left you, so it’s only fair that your ex comes back unsolicitedly and communicates things properly.
It’s in your best interest to hear your ex’s concerns, work on yourself, and avoid making yourself look pitiable. If you make your ex feel sorry for you, your ex won’t come back or stay long. It won’t be enough because it won’t encourage your ex to self-invest and see you in a better light.
It will probably just pressure your ex, make your ex lose the remaining respect, and cause a breakup.
Typically, dumpers who decide to give the relationship another shot after begging leave after a week or two. That’s when they realize they stayed in the relationship for their ex (due to guilt) rather than out of love.
That’s why you want to start a new relationship rather than continue the old one. You want your ex to see you as a person of high value instead of as a dumpee who can’t accept the breakup and move on with pride.
So exude high self-esteem by going no contact and doing things that make you happy. Your ex must be left alone so that he or she can feel independent and see that you’re strong enough to handle a breakup.
What if you already begged and pleaded? Is no contact even worth the try?
No contact is a must whether you begged for two days, two weeks, or two months. It might not have the effects on your ex you want it to have, but it will certainly help you. It will help you detach and see that life goes on with or without your ex.
It’s hard to say how much begging is too much to reconcile because every dumper has a different tolerance for begging. Some dumpers lack an understanding of breakup emotions and get extremely annoyed whereas others sympathize with the dumpee and do their best to help.
All in all, post-breakup begging for another chance makes dumpers feel guilty, pressured, and overprioritized. It demonstrates denial and a lack of ability and willpower to overcome the breakup and be on the same page with dumpers. Hence why dumpers feel trapped and uncomfortable.
So much so that they consider their ex’s begging a personal attack on their happiness. Begging puts them in a tight spot because they’re forced to tend to their ex’s problems and needs when all they want is to take their mind off the breakup and focus on themselves.
You need to understand that begging is harmful both to you and your ex. It forces you to feel extremely anxious and makes you appear desperate to your ex. And your ex (or any other person for that matter) doesn’t find desperation attractive. He or she finds it repulsive, weak, and energy-draining.
Your ex would rather see that you’ve accepted the breakup and begun to move on. It would help your ex respect you and feel the kind of emotions he or she expects to feel (joy, contentment, elation…)
You should, therefore, avoid begging and pleading by starting no contact as quickly as possible. Of course, no contact won’t magically fix everything your ex needs to fix. Neither will it remove the annoyance from all the post-breakup begging. But it will give your ex the time to be free and allow your ex to experience life and life issues without you.
If your ex isn’t ready to deal with various problems, no contact could help your ex come back for comfort, safety, convenience, and love. It could make your ex do that even if you begged and pleaded for a while.
In this post, we discuss why it’s necessary to go no contact after begging and pleading and why no contact is so important.
No contact after begging and pleading
If you’re curious about whether it makes any sense to go no contact after begging and pleading, the truth is it’s never too late to start no contact. Whether you go no contact right after a breakup or after months of begging, it’s going to give your ex space to breathe and make you look stronger and more attractive.
No contact won’t instantly reattract your ex (it doesn’t have that capability), but it will put you in a neutral position where you can avoid bothering your ex and making your ex want to ignore you and block you. No contact will make your ex happy (in the right kind of way) because it will give your ex all the time in the world to focus on things that he or she wants to focus on.
If your ex wants to spend time with friends, your ex can do that. And if your ex wants to sign up for Tinder and date others, your ex can do that too. Your ex has to have the freedom to do anything and spend time with anyone. You must let your ex be in control of his or her life so your ex doesn’t think you’re going to make his or her post-breakup life problematic.
If you continuously intervene with your ex’s need for space by reaching out, apologizing, threatening to commit suicide, and begging and pleading, your ex won’t like it in the slightest. Your ex will probably think you’re being manipulative and that the breakup didn’t happen soon enough.
Such perceptions will significantly lower your ex’s curiosity and respect for you and make the reconciliation extremely difficult.
The point of no contact is to show you’ve accepted the breakup and let go of the urge to control your ex’s actions, thoughts, and feelings. No contact can prove that you respect your ex’s decision and that you won’t try to change his or her mind no matter how nostalgic and anxious you feel.
So if you begged and pleaded with your ex for a while and noticed that your ex didn’t soften up over time, don’t keep begging for another chance. Remind yourself that your ex doesn’t respect begging and that desperation won’t make your ex want to be with you. It will make your ex want to be with you less because your ex will feel disrespected and pressured into doing something he or she doesn’t want to do.
The only thing left for you to do is to go no contact. No contact will produce way better results than staying in contact and trying to weasel your way back into your ex’s heart.
I know that the thought of not speaking with your ex for a while (or ever again) can be scary, but what’s even scarier is giving your ex all your power and putting your ex in charge of your health and well-being.
No one should have that much control over your life. Especially not an ex who no longer sees a future with you. Your ex should see that you love yourself and that friendship is out of the question.
So go no contact with your ex and take your ex’s ability to hurt you away. Do it right away so you don’t pressure your ex and make your ex resent you.
The longer you beg and plead, the more damage you cause. That’s because you constantly make your ex feel the kind of emotions he or she is trying to run away from. You remind your ex that you have certain expectations and needs you want him or her to meet and that you can’t let go of the relationship.
No contact is necessary for all dumpees. It’s necessary for those who begged and pleaded, took revenge, called their ex names, argued with their ex, and even those who have kids with their ex or those who live or work with their ex. Some dumpees have to do limited no contact, but they still have to leave their ex alone.
Doing so allows their ex to not feel responsible for helping them deal with anxiety and depression.
So if you’re thinking about going no contact after begging and pleading, I urge you to start no contact immediately. NC won’t just make you heal faster, but it will also help your ex respect you and think about you. That’s because your ex won’t know what you’re thinking, feeling, and doing—and will naturally get curious.
When your ex gets curious, chances are your ex will check up on you and try to figure out why you lost interest in conversing.
With that said, here’s why you need to start no contact after begging and pleading.
Once again, remember that most dumpees beg and plead with their ex after the breakup because they don’t know what to do and can’t control their emotions. They then go no contact, but only when they realize that their ex isn’t changing his or her mind and that they have no other option but to cut their ex off and see if the power of silence can make their ex redevelop feelings and desire for commitment.
Sometimes no contact helps dumpers regret leaving their ex. And sometimes, it doesn’t. It depends on dumpers’ ability to handle stressors and problems. The less developed and prepared the dumper is for a life without the dumpee and the higher the dumper’s expectations, the bigger the chances that the dumper will fail to find happiness and get hurt.
When the dumper gets hurt, he or she can then reflect and realize that the previous relationship was much better.
Of course, no contact alone doesn’t help dumpers realize they left someone great. No contact merely gives dumpers the time to be free and see what else is out there. If dumpers determine that nothing better is out there, they could go back to their ex and take their relationship more seriously.
Does no contact work after begging and pleading?
No contact always works after begging and pleading. It doesn’t always bring the dumper back, but it does make him or her feel free and less suffocated. No contact works from that standpoint as it gives the dumper what he or she has asked for (space).
If you begged and pleaded for a while, no contact prevents you from making additional breakup mistakes and allows your ex to take his or her mind off you. By focusing on other things and people, your ex slowly forgets about his or her biggest problems and stops thinking poorly of you.
That’s enough for your ex to feel respected. It’s enough for him or her to break his or her unhealthy thinking patterns and enjoy the breakup.
But is it enough for your ex to come back and forget that you begged and pleaded?
Well, your ex won’t forget-forget that you begged and pleaded. But your ex will stop caring about it when you consistently show that you’ve processed the separation and given up on trying to change his or her mind.
It will take some time to prove you’ve accepted the breakup, so don’t expect any quick results. Your ex will need to be left alone for a while and go through his or her own breakup phases. Once your ex has processed the things he or she needs to process, no contact will have the desired effect on him or her.
It will help your ex see that you’re no longer begging for time and attention and that you’ve found better things to obsess about. That’s when your ex might reach out and check up on you. Your ex could do that to assuage guilt, offer friendship, bury the hatchet, or try to get back together.
Until that happens, remember that the no contact rule gives the dumper time to distance himself or herself from problems and see things more clearly. It doesn’t, however, solve the dumper’s problems and force the dumper to come running back. For that to happen, something must go badly wrong for the dumper.
Something or someone must hurt the dumper so badly that the dumper sees no other way to be happy but to reconcile with the dumpee.
So does no contact work after begging and pleading?
No contact can work if you begged and pleaded for a while (for a week or two). But if you begged for months, got blocked, or pushed your ex to the point of getting a restraining order against you, no contact might not be enough. In such cases, your ex would need to get hurt a lot.
He or she would have to fail so miserably in life that your ex would completely change his or her perception of you and think that you’re the only person who could help him or her deal with problems and difficult emotions.
So if you’re hoping for no contact to undo your begging mistakes, know that it probably will after a while. It might not, however, be enough for your ex to fall back in love. That’s because no contact isn’t the main reason dumpers come back. The reason they come back is that they overestimate their capabilities and get in trouble.
Are you thinking about starting no contact after begging and pleading? Have you realized that no contact is the best option for you? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
And if you want a second opinion on going no contact after you begged and pleaded with your ex, sign up for breakup coaching with us.