If you think about what a divorce really is, it’s two people splitting everything up and going their separate ways. That’s not an easy thing for most people for several reasons, one big one being fear of independence, and fear of living and being alone. But want the good news? Independence and living and being alone lead to something that is unavoidable and something that is perhaps the biggest gift you can receive: self-reliance. It comes much later, but it always comes. And let me tell you, it’s THE BEST, most satisfying feeling someone can have.
I got divorced a long time ago, but there’s something I can still remember vividly. I remember going to the bank and depositing my child support check every month. I wasn’t working and my kids were still really young. Although I was relieved to get a check each month, there was a nagging feeling that went along with it: I felt shame.
Before I explain, let me clarify that there is NO SHAME at all in receiving child support and/or alimony. But looking back, I felt the shame because I wanted so badly to be self-reliant. I didn’t want to rely on anyone for money, or stress that maybe it wouldn’t come that month, and that someone else was controlling my financial life. I wanted to support myself. I wanted self-reliance.
It would be several years before that happened, and honestly, I waited WAY too long to meet with a financial advisor, come up with a plan, and go back to work full time. I waited to go back to work for a few reasons. First, I was scared to leave my kids with a nanny or put them in daycare. Not a valid reason, looking back. Secondly, I was scared of technology, which was a smoke screen for me having no self-confidence or belief that I was capable of holding down a good job. And third, I wanted to be a writer and a journalist, which anyone who has ever been in that field knows it doesn’t pay and it’s really hard to break into. So, I stayed home and relied on child support for my income, until I took the actions that led to self-reliance. Had I known what an incredible feeling it is to be self-reliant, I’d have taken those actions so much sooner.
But let’s not dwell on self-reliance as it pertains to being financially independent because that’s only part of what self-reliance means and why it’s so amazing. To be self-reliant is to rely on yourself for everything, and not feeling dependent on anyone. That doesn’t mean you don’t get to lean on people you love, or ask for help when you need it. It doesn’t mean you can’t fall in love, and it doesn’t mean you have to actually do everything yourself.
Self-reliance means (to me) that you can handle anything that comes your way, and if you can’t, you have (or will find) support to help you. Examples include:
- When I was first separated and I saw a mouse run by in my kitchen. I called my friend crying and her husband came over with mouse traps.
- When my son fell and blood was non-stop gushing from his knee. Do I go to the emergency room? I made the call and went. I had to rely on my instincts.
- I spent one full year without having a single date. I was lonely and felt like no one wanted me. But I survived and it wasn’t all terrible. I ended up writing a novel that year.
- I am not handy. I found a handyman and paid him well. In turn, he was loyal and always there for me.
- I set up an appointment with a financial planner (who I still work with) and faced the fact that I was running out of money-even with the child support payments. Although disappointing and although I felt a sense of panic, that was the catalyst for me gaining a full-time job, which led to self-confidence, a social aspect I enjoyed, appreciating my kids more, and feeling great about the work I was doing.
- When I was physically sick I took care of myself. I survived.
- I spent many holidays alone and/or alone with my two young children. These included: Christmas, New Year’s Eve, Mother’s Day, and my birthday. It sounds depressing but it wasn’t. I learned to find gratitude for what we had, and I learned how to enjoy spending time alone.
- When I broke my wrist, I couldn’t use my right hand for almost 3 months. I hired a college student to come in every day and walk the dog, do our dishes, prep dinner and fold laundry.
- I built Divorced Girl Smiling from the ground up and was able to leave my full-time job to pursue this wonderful mission.
- I drove my kids to travel basketball games in snowstorms. I had a fear of driving in the snow that I had to get over, otherwise we would not have been able to go.
- I visited my kids in college by myself. I had a fear of highway driving that I had to get over, otherwise I would not have been able to go.
- I went to weddings and parties by myself. This is where I learned that people are so wonderful, and that they make an effort to make someone who came alone feel comfortable and included. It happened multiple times.
I bet these stories have made you think of your own stories that forced you into self-reliance!
The thing about all of these stories is, while they were happening, I didn’t realize at the time that simply by handling things and doing the best I could, I was practicing self-reliance. When each thing would get handled, I would feel relieved, but I also began to feel empowered, proud of myself, self-sufficient, and confident. I was truly capable of living this life that I was so afraid to live!
When I finally met the love of my life, I was so self-reliant that I didn’t need him. Why was that so great? Because I could be my authentic self and not have to worry, “What am I going to do if he leaves me?” I love him so so so very much, and if he ever did leave me, I’d be devastated. But that said, because I am self-reliant, I know I would be OK. Not only would I be OK, but I believe I would continue to thrive.
Self-reliance is a gift, and anyone can have it because it is a gift we give ourselves. It’s not easy to be self-reliant. You have to get tough and overcome fear, and not feel sorry for yourself during the times you want to. You have to believe in yourself, and that’s not always easy to do, especially if you’ve been married for a long time and you’re now going through a divorce. But just believing in yourself a little bit and then doing things yourself leads to believing in yourself even more, and then more and more and more.
Being self-reliant doesn’t mean that you aren’t allowed to be weak, at times, or that you can’t cry, or that you will never feel lonely. Those things are still going to happen. And there’s a lot of pride and grace and self-respect that come with becoming self-reliant.
“If you want something done, you have to do it yourself,” my dad used to say. Just one of his brilliant quotes, this statement is the epitome of self-reliance. Because when you do it yourself, it gets done the way you want it to get done, and you get the benefit of the empowerment and self-love that go with getting it done.
In your divorce and after, if I had to wish for something for you, it would be self-reliance. It’s a blessing to have it and the best part is that aside from all the things a person can’t control in divorce, obtaining self-reliance is one thing you absolutely can control. You can control: Your effort, your ability, the decisions you make, your successes, and the fact that you don’t need anyone else’s validation or approval. You’ve got this and no one can ever take that away from you. That’s why self-reliance might be the most underrated feeling out there.
Like this article? Check out “Want some great divorce advice? Sit Still.”
