People (especially exes) hate confrontations. They hate being told or reminded they did something wrong and that they need to fix it and be better people. Dumpers are done with the relationship and feel smothered by your presence, hence why they don’t want anything to do with you.
They just want to be left alone and not feel guilty for putting themselves before you.
If you confront your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend about lying, cheating, manipulating, monkey-branching, and treating you badly, you won’t encourage your ex to be a better person. You’ll just pressure your ex and see how your ex reacts when he or she feels stressed and accused of things (even if those accusations are true).
For your ex to take your criticism seriously, your ex would have to respect you and feel guilty for hurting you. He or she would also have to consider your approach respectful (not confrontational) and have the ability to acknowledge mistakes and the drive to self-invest.
Depending on how your ex perceives you and how developed your ex is, your ex could react strongly or not so strongly. A reaction from your ex would tell you that your ex is negatively affected by the breakup and/or that you have at least some control over the situation.
It would empower you and make it easier to deal with the rejection and pain that ensued.
So if you’re wondering if you should confront your ex about lying, cheating, using you, or anything negative he or she did directly to you or behind your back, think twice before confronting your ex.
A confrontation might indeed feel good at the moment as it will let you unleash your fury on your ex, but it will also create other problems in the process.
Some of those problems are:
- destroy your ex’s remaining respect for you
- annihilate the chances of getting back together
- stop you from doing the morally right thing
- prevent you from growing as a person
- make you think that confronting an ex and people who hurt you is the best way forward
An ex is an ex. There are very few if any benefits to confronting him or her about the relationship that no longer exists. I know you want answers but getting closure forcefully (by confronting your ex) isn’t the solution. It’s something that will hurt your ex and most likely bring a negative reaction out of your ex.
That reaction will strongly (but temporarily) empower you and make you feel that you can stop caring about your ex and move on. In reality, it will make you more emotionally dependent on your ex for power and hinder your healing process.
The confrontation will make you think that you messed up and that your ex won’t forgive you and like you ever again.
Although you want to think the relationship is over for good, you don’t want to think that before you’re capable of letting go of your ex.
Detachment happens in phases. You probably won’t be able to go from wanting to be with your ex to confronting your ex and not wanting anything to do with him or her. It will probably take some time to accept the breakup and give up on wanting to reconcile with your ex.
So if you’re not ready to give up on your ex or if you can’t handle a negative reaction from your ex, don’t confront your ex about his or her actions and behavior. Instead, remember that your ex did bad things to you because of cowardice and a lack of morals and care.
You can’t do anything to change those things. Your ex is the only one who can do something about them.
In this post, we talk about whether you should confront your ex about lying, cheating, and taking you for granted.
Things your ex might do when confronted
If you confront your ex about the things he or she did to you during or after the breakup, your ex will probably take it personally and react negatively to your confrontation. Your ex will feel offended and attacked (especially guys – they often do) and try to get back at you for making his or her life difficult.
Your ex will:
- blame you for ruining the relationship
- point out your flaws
- attack your weaknesses
- call you names
- delete/block you
- spread rumors about you
- and show you that love is completely gone
There’s no telling what your ex could do when he or she is confronted about cheating, lying, and underappreciating your efforts and commitment. But when you confront your ex, one thing is for certain. Your ex will perceive it as an attack and do something you don’t like.
Something that:
- hurts you
- angers you
- humiliates you
- confuses you
- reopens your emotional wounds
- makes you question your worth and direction in life
- makes you crave your ex’s validation
What your ex does also depends on how strong and direct you are. If you accuse your ex of cheating on you and you call your ex a liar or a player, your ex won’t like that one bit. Even if it’s true, your ex will feel insulted and say or do something to defend himself or herself and hurt you.
You must remember that exes absolutely detest being confronted. Confrontations make them feel trapped, which is why they prefer to distance themselves from their ex and focus on things that give them positive vibes. By distancing themselves, they can focus on themselves and forget about their immoral deeds.
Should I confront my ex about lying/cheating?
If you’re thinking of confronting your ex to teach your ex a lesson, you should forget about it right now. Your ex won’t learn any valuable lessons and do things differently now or in the future. Your ex will just feel attacked and humiliated—and might decide to defend himself or herself.
How your ex engages in self-defense is anyone’s guess, but if your ex hurt you once, chances are he or she is going to hurt you this time too. Your ex will think you’re trying to put him or her down and make yourself look better than him/her.
Your ex won’t understand you’re just trying to get answers and feel better. Dumpers tend not to understand how dumpees feel. That’s why they take things personally, get upset easily, and make the dumpee’s recovery phase a living hell on Earth.
If you don’t want your ex to damage your self-esteem and reset your healing, I urge you not to confront your ex. If your ex cared about you and wanted to help you, your ex would have shown you care and support by now. Your ex would have made sure not to hurt you or at the very least apologize for hurting you.
Since your ex didn’t do that, don’t try to make your ex apologize and take accountability. This isn’t the time to reach out and get answers from your ex. It’s time to pull away from your ex and deal with anger and hurt feelings on your own.
You must admit that your ex doesn’t want to help you and can’t help you. An apology would certainly help, but you won’t get it through coercion. On the contrary, you’ll hurt your ex, anger your ex, and force your ex to tell you how it was all your fault that you’re in this situation.
Yes, every dumper reacts differently to confrontation, but most of them react negatively. They feel overwhelmed, judged, and annoyed—and don’t think twice before showing their ex how they feel (and don’t feel).
So if your plan is to feel loved and cared for and/or if you want to get your ex back with the power of confrontation, know that you most likely won’t succeed. You may look tough for confronting your ex, but you definitely won’t make a positive impression on your ex.
Your ex will see it as a bad attitude and might decide to punish you by retaliating with a bad attitude.
Here are 6 reasons why you shouldn’t confront your ex about lying, cheating, manipulating, or wasting your time.
Confronting your ex about cheating or lying is something you want to do for yourself to boost your sense of control and feel better. It doesn’t help your ex at all. It just makes your ex see that you’re bitter and not ready to accept the breakup and move on.
Your ex probably feels victimized and tired of staying in a relationship with you. Your ex is unreceptive to your criticism and suggestions and will probably show you that when you try to make your problems his/hers.
You can avoid getting into a nasty fight with your ex by understanding that you can’t change the past and that you shouldn’t try to change the present. Your ex should be apologizing, explaining things, and helping you not blame yourself for the breakup.
If your ex isn’t doing that, you shouldn’t be confronting your ex. There’s no point in doing that because it will make things worse for your healing and personal development.
A confrontation is essentially a bad method for easing anger and hatred as you make sure your ex gets hurt and understands that he or she has hurt you first.
It’s for you to say and believe “It was my ex’s fault, not mine!”
That may be true, but do you really need to tell your ex that? Can you not think of any less vengeful and ex-involving methods to cool off and feel understood?
If you can’t, maybe I can give you some ideas.
What you should do instead of confronting your ex?
Instead of confronting your ex, you should channel your anger and frustration into productive action. Focus on your friends and family or engage in activities that give meaning to your life. They will help you process the breakup quicker and give you positive things to look forward to.
You need to realize you don’t need your ex to move on. Your brain might be telling you differently, but the reality is that you just want to heal and not feel used. You’re secretly looking for ways to get over the mistreatment and find inner peace.
Well, know that you can heal properly and quickly by staying as far away from your ex as possible. Distance will let you see just how good it feels to be free and emotionally independent.
A good way to give up on confronting your ex and getting your ex out of your system is to start the notorious no contact rule, called the indefinite no contact rule. This self-imposed rule will help you take the attention off your ex and put it where it’s needed.
And after the breakup, it’s needed on you. Don’t focus directly on your pain and how you wish you didn’t suffer so much, but do acknowledge that your ex has caused you suffering. Once you’ve done that, also make a promise to yourself that you won’t show your ex any emotional vulnerability.
This means you won’t get confrontational with your ex and try to make your ex own up to his or her mistreatment.
Instead, show that you haven’t put your life on hold for your ex and that you have what it takes to resist difficult emotions that tell you to confront your ex.
If you stay away from your ex, you won’t just impress your ex as much as you possibly can, but you’ll also be proud of yourself for remaining strong and in control of your emotions.
If you need to get things off your chest, vent to a therapist or a friend. Just don’t confront your ex because your emotions are no longer your ex’s problems. Your ex stopped caring about them a long time ago.
Are you wondering, “Should I confront my ex about lying/cheating?” Why do you think you and dumpees typically want to confront their ex? Share your experiences below and let me know if you have any questions. I know some of you have confronted your ex about cheating and monkey-branching, so let me know how that went.
And lastly, if you’d like to talk to me about confronting your ex, sign up for coaching here.
