You can expect to encounter the hardest day of no contact right after starting no contact. That’s the beginning of the detachment phase and the time when separation anxiety hits the hardest.
Upon going no contact, dumpees stop clinging to the dumper for emotional support and lose all control over the breakup.
They don’t know what their ex is doing and thinking and as a result, wonder if no contact is even working on their ex. Their intention is to give their ex enough time to think things through and come back to them.
But because they don’t know if no contact is even going to affect their ex in the right kind of way, they become worried, extremely curious about their ex, and feel an overwhelming urge to reach out and resume contact. They don’t want to stay away from an ex who validates them and gives purpose to their life.
They want to make sure their ex chooses them, not someone else. Hence why they break many rules of no contact and make the breakup harder for themselves.
Fortunately, not all dumpees reach out. Neither do all dumpees struggle the most right after starting no contact. Many dumpers don’t struggle much at all. They find no contact easier than constant communication with their ex.
Oftentimes, dumpees experience nostalgia, fear, anxiety, and other unpleasant emotions weeks into the breakup. It takes them that long to encounter so-called setback days. Setback days are days when something bad happens to them, disturbs their healing, and forces them to miss their ex and suffer.
Setbacks happen to a majority of dumpers. They’re extremely common, so the hardest day of no contact for them can be any day that crushes their self-esteem and makes them afraid for their safety and future.
The most painful day or days of no contact are when dumpees question their self-worth, lose hope, and experience suicidal thoughts. That’s when they regress emotionally and suffer more than anyone should ever suffer.
So if you went no contact or are thinking about starting it, know that no contact is usually the hardest when you stop interacting with your ex. It can feel like you’re forcing yourself to do something you don’t want and that you’re losing emotional support and a sense of direction.
Initially, you may even doubt no contact or feel tempted to do a limited or temporary no contact for 30 days. Temptations not to stick to no contact can keep your reconciliation hope high and prevent you from letting go of control and relying on yourself.
Therefore, you can have the hardest day of no contact right after going no contact or later when something bad happens and makes you doubt your value as a person. Self-doubt can cause all kinds of difficult thoughts and emotions.
You need to keep it under control.
Things that frequently make dumpees question their self-worth are:
- romantic failures and rebounds
- romantic rejections
- depression
- loneliness
- a lack of friends and hobbies
You may also have a hard time coping with the breakup if you lose too much hope at once. For example, if you see your ex falling in love with someone else and/or marrying that person, you could take things personally and struggle to accept reality.
An unwanted turn of events could send you into a spiral and introduce you to gut-wrenching anxiety and fear.
So expect your no contact journey to have ups and downs. On good days, you won’t get affected by your ex much or at all. You’ll still think about your ex, but it won’t get to you. You’ll keep yourself together.
On bad days, however, you’ll be more sensitive. Something as simple as seeing other couples happy and not knowing where your life is headed could make you blame yourself and trigger powerful cravings for your ex.
No contact is unpredictable. You never know how you’ll feel because your self-esteem fluctuates. It depends on your mood, the things happening around you, and the kind of (dark) thoughts you think.
If you lose your job, for example, you probably won’t be thrilled. You’ll worry about your ex and your financial situation both at once. That will likely put you in survival mode and force you to seek acceptance, love, support, and safety from your ex.
That’s why pain (the hardest day of no contact) is often situational. The biggest the hardship, the more the dumpee thinks about his or her ex and desires closeness.
The dumpee is prone to suffering for as long as the dumpee has feelings for the dumper and relies on the dumper for healing.
This article talks about the hardest day of no contact. We’ll talk about things that make no contact difficult and things you could do to avoid slipping into depression (or get out of it if you’re already in it).
The hardest day of no contact
If the breakup just happened and you went no contact right away, the hardest day of no contact for you will probably be the first day of no contact. You probably won’t have all the answers you need and will feel extremely rejected and confused.
A lack of understanding of where you went wrong and why your ex feels the way he or she does will make your life miserable. Shattered self-esteem will make you take all the blame and force you to experience pain like never before.
No contact will be extremely challenging. Especially if you got ghosted, ignored, belittled, mocked, or blocked without an explanation (closure). It will shock you because the person you thought had respect for you treated you like his or her worst enemy.
Your ex’s behavior is one of the biggest factors in how hard no contact is.
That’s why if you start no contact after your ex has abandoned you and mistreated you, you can expect the hardest day of no contact to be the day you start no contact. You can expect your mind to relive the breakup and your ex’s unhealthy behavior hundreds of times and look for closure.
It won’t rest because you’ll be appalled by your ex’s recklessness and/or his or her intention to harm you.
The good thing is that once you’ve accepted your ex’s ill-treatment, you won’t feel so insignificant and responsible for the breakup. You’ll understand that your ex is responsible for his or her words and behavior and that you can’t take the blame for it.
Your ex did hurtful things of his or her own volition. You were just the person your ex projected stress and problems onto.
Remember that the difficulty of no contact isn’t predetermined. It’s not the same for every dumpee.
How difficult no contact is depends on:
- your ability to cope with stressors
- how you perceive yourself
- the breakup mistakes you make
- the things you hear about your ex
- the things you do to keep busy
- the things your ex does during and after the breakup
- whether you get therapy and/or practice other self-soothing techniques
- how intense the relationship was and how attached you were
- and how long it’s been since the breakup and no contact
It’s no secret that the longer you stay away from your ex, the easier no contact gets. Each day feels a tiny bit better. But typically, the time after the breakup is the hardest because dumpees feel rejected, unworthy, and downright miserable.
They think they’re to blame for the breakup and that they should do something to get back together with their ex.
Dumpees think their journey with their ex isn’t over yet and that someday, they’ll get another chance with their ex. They listen to this feeling in their gut known as hope and refuse to let go of their ex for as long as they can.
They normally let go much later when they detach from their ex and realize their ex isn’t coming back and isn’t worth the trouble. I’m talking about many months later.
So if you’re in no contact and wonder when the hardest day of no contact might come, it could come right after the breakup or when you encounter challenges related or unrelated to the breakup.
Unrelated challenges are problems that occur outside of the breakup such as financial issues and health problems whereas issues related to the breakup are fears of your ex finding someone else, running into your ex, and seeing your ex happy.
You could encounter an emotional setback when something or someone gives you hope or takes too much hope away. That’s when you could obsess over your ex in unhealthy ways and have one of the hardest days of no contact.
Luckily, no contact typically isn’t as hard as the breakup itself. The first few days after the breakup are much harder than no contact itself because the dumpee often experiences difficulty eating, sleeping, and focusing. The dumpee feels tempted to go to the dumper’s house unannounced and beg for another chance.
Nothing feels worse than when the dumpee puts himself or herself in a situation in which his or her ex has total control over his/her happiness and misery. Dangerous, self-degrading behavior destroys the dumpee’s self-worth and hinders his or her recovery.
That’s why you need to make sure your self-esteem is as high as it can be. Your failure to keep it high will likely result in excruciating pain and anxiety. You can avoid that by going no contact with your ex and staying in it.
The purpose of no contact is to encourage detachment and allow you to regain control of your emotions. Although your healing won’t be linear, it’s the best method for dealing with separation anxiety and regaining purpose in life.
You need to trust no contact and understand that it’s only a matter of time before you recover and forget about your ex. It’s not a matter of if but when.
How quickly dumpees recover is different for every dumpee. Dumpees who have been through a breakup usually deal with rejection pain better than dumpees who are going through the first breakup. Experienced dumpees know that the breakup isn’t the end of the world and that they’ll be happy again.
So if your relationship was long-term, expect one week of agonizing pain, 3 months of obsessive thoughts, 2 months of regaining your rationality, and another 4 months of detaching and healing. That’s the simplified version of what to expect and how long it could take to get over your ex.
Read the article on breakup stages for the dumpee for a more detailed explanation of post-breakup grief.
The hardest day of no contact will likely come when you least expect it. It will come randomly when you feel sad, stressed, or overwhelmed or when something unpredictable and unfortunate happens to you.
No matter what happens, don’t worry about setback days. You’ll deal with them when they come. For now, keep in mind that most dumpees have them and that they typically don’t last longer than a few days.
Once you’ve dealt with them, they won’t come back for a while. And when they do come back, they’ll affect you less because you’ll build up resistance to them.
So if you’re wondering what the hardest day of no contact is, know that it depends mainly on why you broke up when you started no contact, and what issues you encounter. The bigger the issues, the more recent the breakup, and the worse your ex’s treatment, the more likely it is that you’ll go through multiple difficult withdrawal periods.
With that said, here are some things that could trigger the hardest day of no contact.
What to do when you’re having the hardest day of no contact?
As a dumpee, you must work extra hard to avoid getting hurt and becoming nostalgic and desperate to reconnect with your ex. You must make sure that your physical, emotional, and mental health is as good as it can be so you can deal with various problems when they arise.
You also don’t want to make breakup mistakes.
You don’t want to be caught off guard and forced to miss your ex just because you didn’t want to unfollow your ex on social media.
Although you can’t prepare for everything in life, you can at least control your actions and ensure that your ex stays out of your sight and mind. You can do that by unfollowing or deleting your ex, changing jobs if you work with your ex, asking your friends to leave your ex out of conversations, and telling your ex not to text you and call you.
Your ex needs to understand your post-breakup wishes and respect your boundaries.
When he or she does, it’s time to work on things that could trigger reminders of your ex and unwanted cravings. It’s time to improve aspects of your life that need work.
If you don’t have a job or you’re not happy with it, change it or go back to school. Don’t just sit and wait for your life to improve. If you remain idle, you’ll detach and heal super slowly and fail to make a relationship work if your ex comes back or if you move on to someone else.
The breakup is your perfect opportunity to grow. That’s because pain constantly reminds you that the relationship has failed and that you need to work on yourself if you want to avoid hurting this much now and in the future.
You need to outgrow yourself as well as your ex. Your ex will have to do the work later.
During the most challenging day of no contact, you’ll likely feel like your ex was the best person you ever dated and that you’ll never find someone as amazing as your ex. Your crushed self-esteem will try to convince you that your ex was the one and only person in this world for you and that you should regret saying or acting the way you did.
Due to a weakened ability to protect yourself, anxiety will try to gain access to your brain and mess up your rational thinking. It will act like a computer virus, which goal is to destroy things from within. Whatever you do, don’t let it do that.
Take control of your emotions and remember that the hardest day of no contact won’t stay hard forever. It will get easier as you stay in no contact and focus on things that make you happy. Just take it one day at a time and be patient.
Are you going through the hardest day of no contact? How do you feel right now? Share your thoughts and feelings below.
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