Has a third wheel pushed their way into your relationship? If so, then you are experiencing triangulation. Here’s how you can effectively cope with it.
From developing Sudden Repulsion Syndrome (SRS) to cheating, unrealistic expectations to family feuds, misunderstandings to fights, triangulation in a relationship and interfering friends to career disputes… relationships are hard.
Are they worth it though? Absolutely! But boy, even after the happily-ever-after, there sure is a lot of work.
There are so many outside influences that can affect a relationship that the statistics don’t make for very pleasant reading. Let’s face it, your union is more likely to fail than it is to move to the happy-seniors-sitting-on-a-porch phase.
One issue which is extremely damaging for a relationship on many levels is something called triangulation. [Read: 24 sad signs of an unhealthy relationship that ruin love forever]
What is triangulation exactly?
What is triangulation? It’s basically what the name would suggest, a triangle of three. This is when a third person or item is pulled into the relationship, usually to avoid interaction between the two partners.
For instance, a guy might spend more time with their friend, which pulls that person into the relationship, causing a triangle. From there, the partner feels ignored and unimportant.
Whether the guy realizes he’s doing this or not is a personal thing, but most of the time, it’s a conscious deal. [Read: Toxic relationship – what it is, 107 signs, causes, and types of love that hurt you]
Of course, there is already a real problem in a relationship affected by triangulation, or it can simply be that the person starting the triangle actually has narcissistic tendencies.
Talking about narcissists in more detail is a long story and something best saved for another chat, but the low-down on triangulation is that it’s not good. It’s a definite warning sign of a toxic or crumbling relationship.
The roles
When triangulation happens in a relationship, each person plays a role in it. Here are the three main ones:
1. The Victim
The one who feels victimized, helpless, weak, ashamed, and hopeless. It could be either person in the relationship. [Read: Narcissistic victim syndrome – what it is and how to escape the mess]
However, if it’s a narcissist that is in this role, then they will present themselves as helpless, being taken advantage of, and in need of someone to rescue them. By doing this, they are able to deflect responsibility for their own words and actions onto someone else.
2. The Rescuer
The one who feels responsible for the victim and guilty if they do not help the victim. This role typically goes to a support person in the narcissist’s life. However, sometimes the narcissist will engage in this role to gain more of a sense of superiority as well.
The rescuer fixes things, smoothes things over, and sometimes accepts responsibility for the narcissist’s feelings or behaviors. They do this in order to restore peace. [Read: 59 signs it’s time to break up and give up instead of trying to fix a relationship]
3. The Persecutor
The authoritative, superior, controlling, oppressive, and rigid one. The narcissistic person in this role is seen as the instigator of the problems.
They might use threats, blame, criticism, personal attacks, or aggressive language in order to establish who the wrong-doer is. But this is usually only in their eyes.
How does triangulation show up in relationships?
Now that you know what triangulation is, you are probably wondering how it shows up in relationships. Here are a few ways that it can manifest. [Read: Why givers feel unappreciated and under-valued in a relationship and how to fix it]
1. They always involve a third party to mediate
If two people are having problems with each other, instead of working it out together, one of them will bring in a third party to “be on their side.” This leaves the other person “alone” and fending for themselves. That person can feel left out or ganged up on.
The perpetrator will tell the third party their side of the story, but they won’t ally the victim to share theirs. So, the third-party gives a verdict based only on the perpetrator’s point of view.
This manipulative strategy prevents the victim from defending themselves because the third party already made up their mind. The perpetrator wants to avoid being wrong at all costs, so they have to avoid being on the “losing side.” [Read: How to resolve conflict – the 15 best ways to cut out the drama]
2. They indirectly compare you with others
If this third party is someone that one of the people is close to, then they could use that against their partner. If they don’t like something about their partner, they will always compare and imply that the third party is “better” than them.
The perpetrator wants the victim to bend to their will, and that’s why they compare. However, they won’t do it directly—they’ll try to be “diplomatic” about it.
For example, they might talk harmlessly about the third party’s good characteristics so that the victim will reflect and see if they are meeting the perpetrator’s standards. [Read: Silent treatment abuse – How it’s used and 40 signs and ways to respond to it]
Even though they don’t directly point out the victim’s flaw, they might just speak generally about negative traits they don’t like, and they know that the victim has those traits.
3. You feel pressured to do their bidding
When the victim notices that they have to do what their partner wants or they try to figure out how to please them, that is a huge sign of triangulation in the relationship.
The perpetrator lays the foundation for this by manipulating the victim and leaving them to try to figure out what they mean when they communicate. [Read: 18 signs of a manipulative woman that can leave you lost and confused]
The other thing that the victim will notice is that the perpetrator is never satisfied with them. They might keep correcting and manipulating the victim until they are out of ideas of how to please them.
How does triangulation affect you?
When someone is a victim of triangulation, it can cause them to experience the same effects as emotional abuse. For example, it can negatively affect your self-esteem and self-worth. It can also create doubts about your relationship and make it toxic.
Triangulation can also make the victim have anxiety, and depression, become codependent, or even have problems in other relationships. And the gaslighting that can usually come with triangulation can lead to feelings of instability or insecurity. [Read: Insecurity in a relationship – 34 signs and secrets to feel secure and love better]
A victim also might start having avoidant behaviors because they feel ganged up on. Because of this, they can also feel humiliated and defensive and want to confront the other two people involved.
As you can see, triangulation usually has a negative impact, not only on the victim but on the relationship as a whole. It creates a messy situation that often leads to hurt feelings and misunderstandings.
Why triangulation is a form of communication manipulation and avoidance
Triangulation isn’t just found in romantic relationships, it’s found in relationships of all types too. [Read: Toxic friends – 22 types, 54 signs, and ways to end toxic friendships that hurts you]
For instance, you complain to your daughter that she isn’t doing her homework, and she then goes to your partner and complains that you always nag her to do her homework.
They basically add your partner into the mix, complicating the communication between the two of you, and avoiding direct action, e.g. actually doing their homework. In this case, triangulation is an avoidance technique or tactic. [Read: Why narcissists ignore you, your texts, and do the selfish things they do]
Triangulation is extremely dysfunctional, and it avoids positive action being achieved. If you have triangulation in your relationship to any amount, you have communication issues, for sure.
That might sound harsh, but it’s the truth. The other side is that most relationships have a mild degree of triangulation within them! If we communicated more effectively, discussed issues when they came up, and were open and honest about our feelings, triangulation would never be an issue.
When these issues aren’t addressed, triangulation can complicate matters. Over time, it can drive a real wedge between partners. [Read: 45 big relationship red flags that most people completely ignore early on]
A few examples of triangulation in a relationship
In a relationship, triangulation can be serious or mild. To any degree, triangulation signals an unresolved issue. A few examples of how triangulation looks in a relationship include:
1. Having an affair because they feel they are being ignored by a partner who is always working. [Read: Common types of affairs and 20 signs & reasons people get into one]
2. Never having time for date nights, but spending time with friends in a local bar instead.
3. Heading to the office to work late whenever an argument occurs.
4. Goes to see friends after work or works late, hoping that their partner will be sleeping by the time they get home. [Read: Dating a workaholic – 20 signs and tips to maintain a happy relationship]
In all these situations, there is an underlying issue that is unresolved. If only the two would have communicated, then the triangulation issue wouldn’t have occurred. As you can see, triangulation can be a thing or it can be a person.
Is cheating a form of triangulation? In some ways, yes
Cheating is a subject all on its own, and the reasons why a person cheats can only really be explained by them. Sometimes the person can’t even explain it to themselves. [Read: Once a cheater always a cheater? 35 truths and must-knows to help you decide]
If the cheating occurred because the cheating partner tried to avoid an issue in the relationship, then it could be classed as triangulation. Rather than discussing the issue and resolving it healthily, they involved a third person as a distraction, or even to hurt the other person, thus putting the relationship at risk.
Not every case of triangulation counts as cheating, but some instances of cheating are a form of triangulation.
How to cope with triangulation
If you think that you’re a victim of triangulation in your relationship, then you need to learn how to cope and respond effectively. [Read: 46 secrets to deal with a narcissist, break them, and handle their petty games]
The perpetrator will always be on the lookout for your response, so you can’t do it the wrong way or else they will use it to their advantage.
Remember, the victim is the only one who can stop the triangulation. How they react to the manipulative behavior determines whether the perpetrator will keep doing it or stop.
Here are some strategies that you can use to cope with triangulation. [Read: Self-centered people – 40 signs & ways to change yourself or deal with one]
1. Communicate honestly and openly with them
Letting the perpetrator know that you are on to them can be difficult, so you have to be honest and open. Tell them how their behavior affects you and how you feel about the relationship overall.
You have to tell them that you know what they are up to. Then you have to directly state that they need to stop doing it before it ruins the relationship.
However, before you talk with them, you need to make sure you are in a safe setting. [Read: 42 secrets to communicate better in a relationship and ways to fix a lack of it]
You also need to catch them off guard so they don’t know what you are going to talk about. That way, they won’t be able to prepare a manipulative strategy ahead of time.
2. Seek a healthy support system
If you are experiencing triangulation in your relationship, it is difficult to deal with it by yourself. So, in order to maintain a position of strength, you should seek out resources and people to help you through it.
Try to find someone who has been through triangulation in their relationship, if you can. This will help you cope with your relationship and be prepared if the perpetrator spreads rumors or lies about you. [Read: True friends – 37 real friend traits and what it takes to be a good one]
They have a third party in their corner to help them, so that’s why you need the right people on your side to defend you as well. Don’t leave out your side of the story when talking to your supporters.
Just remain calm and avoid playing the same manipulative game as the perpetrator. Don’t sink to their level—take the high road instead.
3. Create the right boundaries
While you might not be able to completely stop or prevent triangulation in your relationship, you can set some firm boundaries to protect yourself. [Read: 23 secrets to set personal boundaries and guide others to respect them]
You need to realize that even if you’re not communicating with the perpetrator, they can still spread lies about you. Even if you want to ignore them, you have to set boundaries so it doesn’t happen again.
The first thing you can do is refuse the attempts to manipulate you. If they’re trying to start a fight, respectfully refuse to participate in their game. Also, don’t share personal information with them so they can’t add it to their strategies against you.
What to do if someone triangulates you
If you think that you might be the victim of triangulation, what else can you do? Here are some practical steps you can take. [Read: 38 signs and traits of a happy, healthy relationship and what it should look like]
1. Learn to see the signs of triangulation
In order to stop the triangulation, you have to first know the signs of it. And luckily, after reading this feature, you know what to look out for and you can deal with it as proactively as possible. As the saying goes, “you can’t change what you don’t recognize.”
2. Journal about it
Start a journal for two reasons. First, you can keep a record of the perpetrator’s words and actions. That way, they can’t deny what they do and say.
Second, you can write about the effect that their behavior is having on you. [Read: How to express your feelings – 16 must-know ideas to speak your mind]
Writing down your feelings can help you work through them. Once you can see it a little more objectively, it will make you less stressed and more able to cope.
3. Work on healing
Triangulation can be emotionally exhausting. So, take a break to take care of your body and mind. If you feel drained or on edge, avoid contact with your perpetrator and do what fills you with joy. It’s important for you to prioritize yourself and your healing.
4. Cut off contact if you need to
If the relationship becomes too toxic, then you have the option to just remove yourself from the relationship. [Read: No contact rule – what it is, how to use it, and why it works so well]
It could be that every conversation revolves around comparisons and competitiveness, so ask yourself if you really need to keep this person in your life.
5. Talk to a therapist
If you are struggling to deal with the triangulation in your relationship on your own, then talk to a professional if you can. They will help you create strong boundaries and coach you on how to go no-contact so you can fully avoid this person tearing down your self-worth.
[Read: How to have a difficult conversation without losing your nerve]
Avoiding triangulation in a relationship really is as easy as being brave enough to face situations head-on and talk it out. Speaking about things we don’t want to speak about is hard, but we’re not children!
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