If you’re wondering why men come back after no contact, it’s not because their ex waited 30, 60, 90, or any pre-set number of days. Waiting doesn’t do much for the dumper, apart from allowing him or her to cool off a little.
Reconciliations require much more than time. They require the dumper to improve his or her perception of the dumpee. And the dumper can do that through self-reflection.
The most straightforward reason dumpers come back is that they fail to find happiness without the dumpee and suffer the consequences of their actions. They basically realize that the life they chose is emotionally unfulfilling, draining, and challenging and that they were much more content when they relied on their ex for basic wants and needs.
Nothing makes dumpers more regretful than the realization that they took an amazing person for granted and that they messed up so bad things will never go back to normal. It’s the thought of never experiencing what they used to have that triggers their fear of missing out and being forgotten.
Fear and pain allow them to conclude that the breakup was their fault.
They force dumpees to start changing their thinking patterns and their opinion of their ex. When that happens, they no longer think poorly of their ex and despise their ex. Suddenly, they respect, admire, and crave their ex’s attention and affection.
They wish to go back to the way they felt when they felt secure and loved by their ex. Those days mean more to them than their current situation because they remember how nice it felt to feel secure, loved, and that they had a future.
They just didn’t appreciate these things because they hadn’t learned the importance of being grateful.
If you think about it, you’ll realize that dumpers leave and come back for the same selfish reasons. They leave when things get tough and come back when things get tough. The only difference is that they leave because they have other options and come back when they have no other option.
In simple terms, reconciliations are their safety cushions. They allow them to instantly rewind time and undo their mistakes. If only it were that simple for dumpees. Dumpees have to suffer for weeks, months, or even years before they get another chance with their ex.
Many dumpees never get a chance. They hope and wait in vain because their ex never learns the lessons he or she needs to learn. Consequently, their ex moves on with someone else and hurts the dumpee.
Sadly, this happens because dumpers have full control over the situation. They have power from the day of the breakup (or even before the breakup, depending on the relationship) until the second they discover that leaving their ex was a big mistake.
When they discover their ex’s importance, they also tend to realize their mistakes and develop the drive to work on their mistakes.
Of course, some dumpers don’t see their flaws and how those flaws brought about their relationship’s collapse. But that’s why dumpers need to be “interviewed” and accepted back on a trial period. Dumpers need to prove that their love and commitment to the relationship are strong.
And they can do that with effort, time, affection, and consistency.
When dumpers come back, they shouldn’t have power and doubts. They should put you in charge and be 100% certain they want to be with you. That’s how you can tell that they’ve come back for you and not just to take things from you.
Yes, men come back after no contact to take things from you. No human being is 100% selfless. There is no such thing as we all do what looks and feels right to us.
But if dumpers come back, communicate with you as if the breakup was all your fault, and make it look like they’re doing you a favor, you can be certain the relationship won’t last.
It will fall apart rather quickly because they’ll leave the moment they’ve gotten what they’d set out to get.
Some of the wrong things dumpers come back for are:
- guilt/forgiveness
- pity
- loneliness
- boredom
- emotional support
- sex
- finances
- doubt
Dumpers need to come back after no contact for the right reasons (love, respect, regret, anxiety, fear, nostalgia, and desire to be an equal partner).
They need to let their ex be in control of the relationship for a while and do as their ex says.
After they’ve proven their commitment, however, they need to start doing both – giving and taking. By investing and withdrawing from the relationship, they must even out the interest and power.
This allows them to be equal partners and prevents them from losing interest and respect.
In this article, we discuss why men come back after no contact and what after no contact even means.
Why do men come back after no contact?
Some dumpees think that no contact ends after a certain number of days and that they can contact their ex and reconcile the moment it ends. They think they can single-handedly make their ex feel nostalgic and that they can guide their ex back into the relationship.
Such dumpees, unfortunately, fell prey to fake breakup coaches who convinced them that getting back with an ex is all about the right timing, not the things their ex needs to experience to feel regret, fear, nostalgia, etc.
As a result, they anxiously held on to hope and convictions that they’ll be able to reconnect with their ex when no contact ends. What hopeful dumpees don’t understand is that they have less power to influence their ex than the people on the internet made them think.
They lack control over their ex’s thoughts and emotions because their ex is his or her own person. Their ex has different experiences, mentality, coping mechanisms, and behaviors, which implies that dumpees can’t predict when or if their ex will go through all the breakup stages, have an epiphany, and improve his or her perception of the dumpee.
That’s why instead of holding on to hope and notions that they can reason with their ex when the time is right, dumpees must work on accepting the end of the relationship. They must come to terms with it so they can detach, self-prioritize, grow, and appear more confident and attractive to their ex.
If they don’t look self-sufficient, their ex won’t desire their personality. Their ex won’t yearn for it because their ex won’t have anything valuable to give.
So before you get excited and think that men come back after no contact because dumpees reach out to them and use some secret technique to draw them back in, remember that reconciliations seldom happen on dumpees’ terms.
When they do happen on dumpees’ terms, it’s because the dumper was playing the power game and was eventually going to come back on his or her own. That means the dumper was going to reach out first and give the dumpee his or her power back.
It was only a matter of time.
The dumper needs to humble himself and work on his shortcomings for the relationship to go down a different path.
Anyway, there are many reasons why dumpers come back after no contact (on their own). One of those reasons is reflection. Dumpers who try to make it on their own but fail, tend to experience pain, and as a result, obsess about their pain.
They also reflect on their reasons for failure and look for quick solutions. Oftentimes, these solutions involve getting back with their ex as the easiest way for them to deal with their problems and unwanted emotions is to feel loved.
A romantic reconciliation not only helps them distract themselves from their problems but also empowers them with validation and hope. It makes it easier for them to accept themselves and have something positive to look forward to.
So if you’d like to know why men come back after no contact, it’s because things don’t go well for them. They thought they could ignore their problems and be single or with someone else.
But when put theory into practice, they learned that imagination and expectations are far from reality and that they will have to face the consequences of their actions.
Believe it or not, romantic failures or the lack of romantic success is one of the most common reasons why men come back after no contact. Regretful men tend to overestimate their ability to have successful relationships with other people.
That’s why the second they get rejected or experience issues they didn’t foresee, they realize they’re a big part of the problem and that they won’t be as happy as they’d thought. Suddenly, they understand they’ll have to work on themselves and the relationships they commit to.
This alone isn’t enough for them to come running back. But if their new partner or the people they date keep hurting and disappointing them, they could engage in reflection and determine that what they had with their ex wasn’t perfect, but that it could have been fixed.
Three of the most common romantic letdowns that make men regret leaving their ex are:
- relationship problems
- breakups
- difficulties finding a compatible dating partner
If men have a hard time forming new relationships, bonding, or communicating, they may become doubtful, hit a low point, and become nostalgic. Consequently, they could start comparing their new partner/s to their ex and wondering if their ex could fill their void.
If their ex used to be supportive, loving, and caring, they desire these perks, develop feelings, and put their faith in their ex. That’s when they finally reach out, end no contact, and express the desire to see their ex.
The dumpee doesn’t need to do anything to make it easier for the dumper to return. The dumper doesn’t have much if any pride when regret and anxiety kick in, so the dumper can easily converse with the dumpee and apologize for his wrongdoings.
He is powerless. And powerless people can beg and plead if they want their ex back badly enough.
No contact helps dumpees look better. It doesn’t eliminate dumpers’ negative perceptions (at least not all of them), but it does demonstrate that dumpees respect themselves and that they won’t beg anyone for love.
When regret kicks in, this is enough for dumpers to redevelop romantic feelings and do what they need to do to get back together.
With that said, here’s why men come back after no contact.
It’s okay to trust no contact as no contact is the most successful reconciliation method. But try not to see no contact (especially the 30-day no contact rule) as a technique that will undoubtedly make your ex miss you and want to be with you.
Although absence could make your ex miss you, it probably won’t make your ex miss you romantically. It will probably just make your ex curious about you and slightly nostalgic.
To want you back, your ex needs to be very nostalgic. He needs to reminisce about the good times and feel a strong desire to experience those times again.
And your ex will want to re-experience those times if things go so badly for your ex that your ex can’t go forward in life without going backward first. By getting back with you, your ex would be able to fix the current issues and then focus on the future again.
Do men and women come back for the same reasons?
Men and women become regretful for the same reasons. Both genders see that the present they’ve created doesn’t measure up to the standards of life they had when they were with their ex.
That’s why they come running back faster than lightning and try to get back together very quickly. They don’t have much patience because they’re hurting and need their ex to ease their pain.
The thing that makes breakups so challenging is that it takes (male and female) dumpers a long time to realize they shouldn’t have dumped their ex. It takes them months, years, or even decades because dumpers don’t actively work on their problems.
They prefer to ignore problems, project their problems onto their ex, and focus on enjoying their post-breakup relief. This helps them stay away from drama and allows them to live in fantasy.
Some dumpers, unfortunately, never escape their fantasy world. They like to play the blame game and by doing so, avoid responsibility and the need to grow. Holding their ex accountable for their feelings and the breakup empowers them.
It helps them feel they’re right and in complete control of their life.
The reason they come back afterward is that something unwanted and painful happens. Something or someone forcefully brings them back to reality and cripples their confidence and self-esteem.
Because self-esteem and happiness take ages to rebuild, dumpers then finally acknowledge their mistakes, get tired of suffering alone, and ask their ex to help them resolve their problems. They ask their ex this indirectly so as not to appear too desperate.
Men may express love slightly differently than women, but that doesn’t mean they want different things than women. Just like women, they too want security, love, and emotional support. They’re human beings with wants and needs.
Don’t expect men to come back just because they hadn’t got it on in a while. That’s the biggest misconception about guys.
Also, don’t expect women to return just because their biological clock is ticking and they want kids.
Ask yourself what men and women want from a romantic relationship. Not what their life goals are but how they want to feel. When you answer that question, you’ll know that your ex needs to feel a certain way to want you back.
Regardless of gender, your ex must feel a desire to give and receive love. Without this feeling, your ex won’t come back or won’t stay long. Either way, it’s in your best interest to stay in no contact and wait for your ex to develop a different impression of you.
You don’t know if your ex will ever see you differently, but if he does, rest assured that he’ll reach out and try to get back with you. In the meantime, stay patient and let your ex do the necessary work.
What to do when he comes back after no contact?
When he comes back after no contact, you shouldn’t do too much. You shouldn’t roll out the red carpet and make your ex feel like you’ve been expecting him. The dumper mustn’t know how eager you’ve been to reconnect.
He mustn’t know you’ve done no contact just to reconnect as a couple. At least not right away. It’s better for his respect and attraction to you that you appear emotionally strong and independent.
When your ex comes back after no contact, the first thing you should do is figure out why your ex came back. What or who made your ex realize that the relationship was worth another chance?
If your ex doesn’t have a valid reason for coming back, your ex will likely leave again. He won’t develop the mentality needed for maintaining a romantic relationship and falling back in love.
He’ll only stay for as long as he feels good. And he’ll feel good for a week or two or until old problems reappear.
You need to make sure your ex’s shortcomings are gone or that your ex is actively working on them. If your ex is ignoring them, you shouldn’t get back with your ex. You should stop your ex right away and resume no contact.
If you conclude that your ex deserves another chance, tell your ex what you want him to change and work on. This is the perfect time for you to express your unmet needs and expectations. A regretful ex shouldn’t have any problems addressing your concerns and making you feel comfortable.
As a dumpee, you should keep an eye on your ex’s progress and slowly return your ex’s power so that your ex feels respected as an equal partner.
Do this after a couple of weeks or after your ex has regained your trust. Just don’t pretend like the breakup never happened. Especially if your ex left you for someone else and ignored your feelings.
I hope this article helped you understand why men come back after no contact. If it did, leave a comment below the post. And if it didn’t, share your views and ask questions. Expect a reply from us soon.
Lastly, if you’d like to talk to us about men during or after no contact, get in touch with us via our 1-on-1 coaching program.
See you next time!
