If your ex is the dumper and you’re wondering why your ex avoids looking at you, the most common and feasible explanation is that your ex doesn’t want to look at you. Looking at you makes your ex remember the past and brings out unwanted emotions.
These unwanted emotions are extremely difficult for your ex to cope with as they consist of anger, resentment, guilt, pressure, and suffocation. The stronger these emotions are, the less eager your ex is to look at you and talk to you.
You have to understand that when the breakup happened, your ex associated a lot of problems and negative feelings with you. Your ex convinced himself or herself that you’re the cause of all his/her problems and that leaving you would make those problems go away.
That’s why the moment your ex sees you, your ex thinks you’re one big bundle of trouble and that engaging in communication with you would make him or her even more uncomfortable than he or she already is.
Therefore, to avoid talking to you and minimize the risk of getting hurt, your ex does what many dumpers do best.
Your ex looks away and hopes that you’ll see he or she is busy, disinterested, detached, and uncomfortable. If your ex can deter you from interacting, your ex can do what his or her unwanted emotions tell him/her to do.
Your ex can stay in control of his or her life, think positive thoughts, and feel positive emotions. That would make your ex happy or at least not pressured and miserable.
Always remember that an ex who avoids you would rather experience positive things than feel dragged back into the past. The dumper would rather be left alone and avoid looking at you, running into you, and communicating with you.
I know his or her lack of eye contact comes off as rude, but don’t forget that your ex spent weeks before the breakup and perhaps even weeks after the breakup thinking badly of you.
Your ex has completely detached and perhaps even realized that by leaving, he or she has turned your life upside down.
If that is indeed what happened, your ex may now be experiencing feelings of guilt and finding it challenging to face you. Because of the black picture he or she has painted of you, your ex lacks the desire to interact and bond.
Not only is the desire missing but so are the skills necessary for disassociating negativity from you.
Because of these lackings, you can expect your ex to avoid you like the plague for quite some time. You can expect your ex to avert his or her eyes, pretend he/she doesn’t see you, and avoid going to places where he or she could run into you.
Your ex could take completely different routes to class, leave late from work, ask friends to give you your belongings back rather than talk to you directly, and do anything just to avoid interacting with you.
It’s not the eye contact per se that’s the issue as eyes are just organs of vision that tell us what interests us and how we feel about it. The issue is that your ex has a fear of getting pulled into a conversation that would make your ex feel trapped and uncomfortable.
Your ex is basically scared of feeling the emotions he or she felt before, during, and/or after the breakup.
And what do people do when they’re scared? You’ve probably seen enough horror movies to know that they run away and hide. They avoid facing the situation and passively wait things out.
The sad thing about avoiding eye contact and interactions is that the longer your ex avoids you, the more he or she fears interacting with you.
That’s because every time your ex acts on his or her emotions (fears) and avoids looking at you, the easier it gets for your ex to avoid facing unwanted emotions the next time he or she is around you.
Running away essentially becomes a habit your ex relies on when he or she feels uncomfortable.
So if you want to know “Why does my ex avoid looking at me,” know that the reason your ex does that is that your ex doesn’t feel comfortable around you.
Your ex doesn’t feel the need to lock eyes and talk. Now that you’re exes, his or her first thoughts are “Oh no, my ex is here,” followed by negative emotions he or she associated with you toward the end of the relationship.
And as you know, your ex finds breakup emotions difficult to handle as they make your ex want to avoid you (run away from problems) so your ex can focus on more comfortable things.
In this guide, we answer the question “Why does my ex avoid looking at me?” We’ll also give you some essential advice on what you should do about it.
Why does my ex avoid looking at me?
Your ex avoids looking at you because doing so makes your ex much happier and more comfortable than looking at you. It helps your ex avoid feeling suffocated and threatened by the things you could say and do if you took it upon yourself to walk up to your ex and start a conversation.
That’s why your ex chooses to stay safe and avoid making it seem like he or she wants to talk. Eye contact (especially a prolonged one) is a sign of interest. It says what your ex wants and doesn’t want.
And your ex made it as clear as day that he or she doesn’t want to speak with you. Not now or in the near future.
Before your ex feels a desire or need to communicate, your ex must enjoy space for a while, stop thinking negatively, and find reasons to see you in a better light. Your ex must basically see that you’re not a threat to his or her freedom and happiness and that you have something valuable to offer.
This can be anything from forgiveness, information, and support to entertainment, distraction, and friendship. If your ex wants or needs something from you, your ex will show interest and ask for it.
Your ex may not ask for it directly, but your ex will nonetheless take the initiative and show he or she is ready to communicate again.
Your ex will do this by reaching out to you, holding eye contact, and showing he or she feels comfortable in your presence.
Mind you that willingness to communicate isn’t the same as a desire to reconcile. Your ex may not want you back the moment he or she is ready to talk. Your ex could just talk to you for a while and then move on to someone else.
It’s hard to say what your ex will do or won’t do. But if your ex is not looking at you right now, know that your ex may never be so comfortable that he or she looks at you and communicates with you.
If your ex can’t successfully deal with negative perceptions of you and doesn’t discover good reasons to bury the hatchet, your ex could keep running away from problems forever.
Don’t expect time alone to make your ex disassociate negative perceptions from you and be a better person. Your ex may forget the actual problems, but as far as negative perceptions go, your ex could hold on to them for a very long time. Maybe forever.
Your ex could think to himself/herself, “I don’t remember what my ex did to hurt me, but I remember how he/she made me feel, and I know I deserve better.”
So if your ex is not looking at you on purpose and you can’t tell why (especially if your relationship was great), remember that your ex sees things differently than you. Your ex doesn’t see the things you did for him or her but the things you didn’t do or did badly.
Your ex is laser-focused on the bad aspect of the relationship as it gives your ex power and helps him or her justify (unhealthy) actions.
Remembering the bad things tells your ex that he or she has made the right decision and that staying away from you and avoiding eye contact is needed for his or her safety and well-being.
Taking that into consideration, here are the reasons why your ex is avoiding eye contact with you.
Now that you know why your ex avoids looking at you, keep in mind that your ex is going through the early dumper stages of a breakup and that because of these stages, your ex has even less interest in conversing with you.
Your ex lost the will to interact and needs to first process the separation and find a good reason to speak with you.
And your ex could find that reason when he or she has had enough time to reflect on the breakup and realize that he or she overreacted and still wants you in his or her life.
Whatever you do, don’t expect your ex to stop avoiding you within a certain time frame. As a dumpee, you just don’t know when or if your ex will ever act “normal” again.
All you know is that your ex needs time to self-prioritize and that your ex’s receptiveness depends on his or her mentality, coping mechanism, experiences, and most importantly, discoveries.
If your ex learns that avoidant behaviors are unhealthy and unnecessary and that they turn people into runners, your ex could improve the way he or she deals with unwanted emotions, acknowledge your presence, and interact with you.
Your ex could also interact with you if something important out of his or her control goes wrong and hurts your ex. Pain in general could force your ex to reflect and stop thinking so poorly of you.
But for that to happen, your ex would likely need to get his or her self-esteem crushed as destroyed self-esteem gets rid of high ego/pride and unhealthy/extreme beliefs and perceptions.
Therefore, something needs to happen for your ex to break this pattern of avoiding eye contact. Probably something that hurts your ex severely and makes your ex want to check up on you or confide in you.
You need to keep that in mind so you don’t think it’s only a matter of time before your ex becomes receptive.
Although some dumpers do get comfortable about engaging in conversation with their ex after a while, most dumpers need some kind of incentive to do that. And that incentive is out of your control.
What should I do if my ex avoids looking at me?
If your ex avoids looking at you and you’re not happy about it, don’t think that a confrontation is what your ex needs. Your ex doesn’t want to talk to you anymore. Your ex especially doesn’t want to talk about his or her actions or the lack thereof.
He or she just wants you to understand that his or her lack of eye contact indicates a lack of interest, care, and love. If you don’t respect that and force your ex to talk to you, you’ll pressure your ex into doing what you want him/her to do and risk bringing a negative reaction out of your ex.
I can’t predict how your ex will respond when he or she feels pressured into responding, but if your ex is like most dumpers, you can expect your ex to look visibly troubled and show you or tell you that you shouldn’t have started the conversation.
Once you’ve greeted your ex and talked about whatever you wanted to talk about, your ex will probably make an excuse to leave the conversation and make you wonder if you said something wrong. That will give you more anxiety and make you hungrier for your ex’s love.
So instead of acting on your emotions and forcing your ex to converse, give your ex space and show your ex you understand what he/she needs and doesn’t need.
That will make your ex respect you much more than if you walk up to your ex and talk about things your ex no longer cares about.
Always remember that an ex who avoids looking at you avoids eye contact for a reason. He or she doesn’t want you to take the lead and fix things. The time for fixing things is over.
The dumper simply doesn’t want to interact and would rather not be in the same place with you. Any other place on Earth would probably be better than being in close proximity to you.
So unless your ex comes to you on purpose, stay away from your ex and focus on yourself and others. Remember that your ex would have spoken to you if your ex had anything to say to you.
Since your ex doesn’t have anything to discuss, it’s clear that your ex isn’t ready to communicate and that your ex wants you to respect his or her feelings and boundaries. Secretly, your ex also wants you to respect yourself because if you don’t respect yourself, your ex won’t either.
Respect is earned, not given. So earn it by falling back in love with yourself and not worrying about why your ex doesn’t want your attention.
Once you’ve recovered from the breakup and boosted your confidence, your ex’s behavior won’t bother you anymore. That’s because you’ll recognize that you don’t require your ex’s validation to be content and that you have more significant things to attend to than fret over your ex’s disinterest and lack of affection.
Until then, keep working on detachment, self-growth, and things you can control. A time will come when you get over your ex and understand that your ex no longer plays a significant role in your life.
Why do you think your ex avoids looking at you? Do you think it’s because you did something hurtful, because you or your ex are dating, or perhaps because your ex feels smothered and uncomfortable? We’d love to hear what you think, so share your thoughts and ideas in the comments below.
And if you want to talk to us about your ex’s reasons for avoiding you, get in touch via our coaching program.
