10 Things Cheaters Say (And What They Actually Mean)

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Cheating is about more than crossing physical boundaries. It’s about the lies, excuses, and omissions of truth that cheaters tell along the way to cover their tracks or make you think you’re just imagining their weird behavior.

If you’ve ever found yourself questioning your significant other’s words because they didn’t fully align with their actions, you should always trust your gut. In my experience, if something feels off, it probably is.

I’ve been cheated on by multiple partners, and I’ve begun to pick up on patterns. Here are 10 things cheaters say and what they may actually mean.

1. “You’re just being insecure (or paranoid or crazy).”

What the cheater actually means: “You’re right (or I’m about to do whatever you’re saying and you will be right), so I need to make you think you’re crazy.”

This is one of the most obvious forms of gaslighting and practically a confession that they’re doing whatever you’re accusing them of. Someone innocent doesn’t have to make you question your own sanity. Rather than addressing your concerns, the cheater will make you seem ‘crazy’ and insecure.

Spoiler alert: It’s not insecurity if your intuition is screaming that something isn’t right.

2. “She (or he) and I are just friends.”

What the cheater actually means: “Your suspicions are correct. This person is more than just a friend, but I’m not about to own up to that.”

There are some cases where an opposite-sex friendship is just that, but a cheater will lie and say that the person they’re having an affair with is just a friend. If they become defensive when you ask about their so-called “friend,” it could mean that they’re sending inappropriate texts or DMs or doing other things that most would count as cheating.

3. “You’re overreacting.”

What the cheater actually means: “I’m just going to keep reminding you that you’re crazy, paranoid, and insecure. I don’t want to get caught and deal with the consequences, so I’m just going to make you seem dramatic.”

The cheater is forever looking to escape accountability. Remember that it’s not you and your reaction that’s eliciting this response. It’s their behavior, which they’re going to try to downplay to minimize it in case they actually get caught.

4. “It’s not what it looks like.”

What the cheater actually means: “It’s not what it looks like; it’s actually worse.”

The cheater will find ways to tell the truth without actually telling the truth. If they say it’s not what it looks like and it’s actually worse, they’re technically being honest.

5. “She (or he) likes me, but I’m not interested in (him) or her.”

What the cheater actually means: “I was the one who pursued her first, but I don’t want you to suspect anything, so I’ll pretend I’m not interested.”

The cheater will claim that the other person is pursuing them, even though they’re not interested. If they actually get caught, they’re likely to say things like, “She kissed me first” or “She DMed me.”

Newsflash: An honest and loyal partner would have told you about someone else’s feelings for them before you made any accusations.

6. “It didn’t mean anything.”

What they actually mean: “I’m hoping if I make it seem like it didn’t mean anything, you won’t be as angry about it.”

When cheaters get caught, they often try to downplay what they’ve done. They don’t realize that to the person who was betrayed, it doesn’t matter. It always means something when you find out your significant other wasn’t loyal.

7. “You’re the only one I want.”

What the cheater actually means: “You’re the only one I want to be in a relationship with, but I want to have my cake and eat it, too.”

A lot of cheaters do genuinely want to be in a committed relationship with their partner, but they still want to have their fun on the side, too.

8. “Why don’t you trust me?”

What the cheater actually means: “You have every reason not to trust me, but I’ll never tell you that.”

A cheater thinks that telling you that they’re trustworthy is enough. But if they were actually trustworthy, their actions would align with those words, and you wouldn’t already be doubting them.

This response is also trying to make you question yourself. They’re acting as if you’re the problem for not trusting them because of their shady behavior.

**9. “Maybe you’re the one who’s cheating.”**

What the cheater actually means: “I’m cheating, but if I make you seem like the guilty one, you’ll stop making accusations.”

This is one of the ways a cheater tries to dismiss you from questioning their behavior. If you continue asking questions, they’ll remind you that only cheaters suspect others.

10. “It’ll never happen again.”

What the cheater actually means: “It won’t happen with the same person” and/or “I won’t get caught next time.”

If the cheater gets caught and says they won’t do it again, they could be sincere. But there’s also a good chance that they plan to cover their tracks better next time. Only time will tell. Change requires more than just promises; it requires action.

In Time, A Cheater’s Actions Will Always Reveal Themselves

If you often find yourself trying to analyze your partner’s words or feel like something’s off, listen to your intuition. It’s generally way more accurate than what your significant other is telling you.

A loyal, committed partner will make you feel secure, stable, and valued in your relationship. They won’t make you wonder if something is amiss. If you constantly feel like their behavior is shady, it’s probably because it is.

The reality? When someone is loyal and committed to you, it shows. And if they have something going on with someone else, that will become apparent over time, too.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.