3 Controversial Ways to Inspire Passion in Your Relationship

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You have to play the long game in marriage today.

Instead of thinking “how can we manage to have sex five times this week?”, you’ll have more success cultivating an overall erotic environment.

This environment is both a feeling of electricity between the two of you and a sense of psychological safety.

It’s like cultivating an attraction rather than applying pressure. And this is what keeps you feeling connected over the years and seasons of life.

“Erotic” here doesn’t mean sexual — it means alive. Vibrant. Pulsating. Connected on every level. And that’s the sort of environment that makes her responsive desire….respond.

Sometimes, cultivating the erotic is easier, like before kids. Other times — chronic illness, family tragedy — the erotic slumbers for a while. Like going dormant in winter.

These seasons are normal. And as they change, cultivating that sense of aliveness is a choice you make, a practice you engage, every day.

So what do those practices look like? How do you play the long game?

Not by following the default paradigm. You have to be willing to be brave, and think big picture.

Here are 3 controversial ways my partner and I cultivate the erotic:

1. We practice a partner dance together.

Dance doesn’t have to be your thing. As Esther Perel has noted, it’s doing something with your bodies, getting up, moving that brings aliveness. The erotic.

Having a shared pursuit together outside of raising children means you are putting a stake in the ground that says “the connection between the two of us matters.”

And let’s be real: being beginners together challenges the conditioning that learning equals weakness. It’s a brave and vulnerable choice.

Yet dance (or your pursuit of choice — tennis, improv, cooking?) delivers. The combination of mental and physical engagement releases beneficial neurotransmitters like nothing else.

2. We study sex and the erotic.

Studying sex was traditionally a big “no-no” — embarrassing, forbidden. In my culture of origin, sex was considered a “regrettable necessity,” strictly for procreation. Even today, right-wing influencers openly mock the idea of sex as anything but rote duty.

But exploring how different traditions across history have approached this most powerful energy is liberating, invigorating, and fun. Bringing intentional practice to sex creates space for endless possibility and creativity together. And it makes our connection more alive even outside the bedroom.

3. We have regular relationship check-ins.

This is the biggest needle-mover. Instead of brushing things under the carpet or having impulsive fights, we know there’s always a designated space to bring up what’s going well — and what isn’t.

Many of my clients get stuck in pleasing, saying “there’s never a good time” to bring up something on their mind with their partner. This way there’s always “a good time” to bring something up.

Is it daunting sometimes? Absolutely. If you were taught to “keep the peace” at all costs, or that you have to immediately fix anything she brings up, this practice might seem stressful.

But check-ins aren’t a space to complain, attack, or unload. Remember that you love the person in front of you, and speak in a way that will help you get what you want — understanding and connection. This practices does require emotional maturity from both speaker and listener. It’s something we weren’t taught, so most couples benefit from practicing this in coaching first.

This practice is key because it’s hard to want to have sex with someone who won’t listen to you, is always defensive, tries to fix everything, and can’t handle emotions.

Uncleared issues are the quiet death of passion in most marriages and men have no idea this was the culprit. Putting my chemist hat on for a moment: it’s like unreacted substrates in a chemical system: they accumulate and eventually destabilize the whole thing.

Bonus: We spend intentional time apart.

Here’s one of those pesky unexamined narratives that kills relationships: couples are supposed to “do everything together.” There’s a time for that, perhaps. But I’d argue that even from the beginning, an individual pursuit where you get a chance to miss each other is essential. Begin how you intend to carry on and create this habit early.

A men’s group, a yearly silent retreat, or even a simple poker night can be examples.

Here’s what we’ve seen happen when we don’t spend time apart: constant attachment can breed a certain laziness about the relationship. Having a chance to come home to yourself brings a new awareness that makes your connection healthier and stronger over the long term.

There’s no doubt that these ideas are unconventional and may be uncomfortable. But are they more uncomfortable than decades of sexless marriage?

Playing the long game takes courage — and a few key principles most men were never taught. Get my free 4 Keys for Passionate Relationships PDF guide and learn to show up as the grounded, powerful presence that keeps passion alive through every season.

Download your FREE guide here

Dr. Jessica

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This post was previously published on medium.com.