A push and pull relationship is exhausting. If you find yourself in this situation regularly, understand why and break the cycle for a more peaceful life.
Every relationship has its own rhythm, a unique dance of emotions that binds two individuals together. However, some dance steps can leave you dizzy, puzzled, and yearning for more, all at the same time. Enter the captivating yet chaotic world of push and pull relationships, a dance that’s more of a high-stakes emotional tug-of-war.
What is a Push and Pull Relationship?
A push and pull relationship is a peculiar romantic dynamic where one person tends to withdraw (the “push”) while the other tries to draw them in (the “pull”). It’s an exhilarating and exhausting rollercoaster where, instead of moving in tandem, the partners move in opposite directions.
It’s like being stuck in a loop of hot and cold periods, a sequence of approach and avoidance, making it feel like a thrilling romantic suspense movie. One moment, the attraction is palpable, the intimacy enviable, and the next moment, there’s distance, coldness, and detachment. [Read: Blowing hot and cold – What it is, the stages and why people do this]
Think of it as a game of emotional cat and mouse. The mouse *puller* relentlessly chases the cat *pusher*, but every time the mouse gets close, the cat dashes off, creating a cycle of yearning and withdrawal, of love professed and love retracted.
However, just like a movie, this can’t be all there is, right? What lies beneath this seesaw of emotions, this game of ‘now you see me, now you don’t’?
The Psychology of Push and Pull Relationships
Ever found yourself repeatedly playing a highly challenging video game or mindlessly scrolling through a social media feed?
Well, that’s your brain getting a kick from something called ‘Intermittent Reinforcement.’ And surprise, surprise, this very concept is a key player in the rollercoaster ride that is the push-pull relationship.
What is Intermittent Reinforcement?
Intermittent reinforcement is a term from the world of behavioral psychology. It refers to a pattern in which rewards *positive outcomes, treats, praise, etc.* are given irregularly or unpredictably.
Imagine playing a slot machine, you never know when you’re going to hit the jackpot, but the sheer unpredictability of that sweet reward keeps you hooked. You keep pulling that lever, don’t you?
Now, transpose this concept onto the push-pull relationship. The inconsistent affection, the unpredictable warm gestures followed by cold withdrawal, essentially function as an intermittent reward system.
This uncertainty and anticipation can, rather counterintuitively, strengthen the attraction you feel towards the ‘pusher,’ making the relationship addictive despite its emotional turbulence.
But let’s not stop there. Intermittent reinforcement only accounts for part of the attraction. To truly understand the push-pull dynamic, we must understand the ‘Attachment Theory.’
Attachment Theory in Push and Pull Relationships
Attachment Theory, propounded by John Bowlby, explores how our early childhood experiences with caregivers shape our behavior in relationships. Among the various attachment styles that individuals can develop, two are often seen prancing around the push-pull dance floor – the Anxious and the Avoidant types.
Anxious Attachment Style
Anxiously attached individuals often fear abandonment and crave intimacy. They’re the ‘pullers’ in our push-pull dynamic, always seeking closeness and reassurance.
Avoidant Attachment Style
On the flip side, those with avoidant attachment style value their independence and often shun intimacy, fearing it’ll lead to a loss of self. They’re the ‘pushers,’ creating distance when things get too close for comfort.
When the anxious ‘puller’ and the avoidant ‘pusher’ enter into a romantic tango, it leads to the emotionally charged, ever-oscillating dynamic known as a push-pull relationship.
But don’t take this dance as a doomed performance. With self-awareness and effort, these steps can be transformed, leading to healthier, more synchronized moves. More on that later, though! [Read: Attachment styles theory – 4 types and 19 signs and ways you attach to others]
The Subtle Characteristics of Push and Pull Relationships
So, you’re on board this unpredictable relationship rollercoaster, and you’re probably wondering what the ride entails.
Similar to the tallest and most daring rollercoaster at an amusement park, this one comes with highs and lows, twists and turns, and plenty of adrenaline.
Let’s take a peek at the key characteristics of this wild ride.
1. Emotional Highs and Lows
Push-pull relationships are full of passionate love declarations one moment *the ‘pull’* and icy withdrawal the next *the ‘push’*. It’s like experiencing summer and winter in the span of a day—exciting, yes, but also exhausting.
2. Constant Breakups and Makeups
Picture your favorite will-they-won’t-they TV couple *Ross and Rachel, anyone?* Now, imagine their on-again, off-again dynamic happening in real life.
Fun for TV ratings, but less fun when it’s your own love life. [Read: On and off relationships – 16 signs and why it’s so bad for you]
3. One Partner Chasing While the Other Is Distancing
In this captivating chase scene, the ‘puller’ *often anxiously attached* pursues affection and closeness, while the ‘pusher’ *usually avoidantly attached* keeps evading intimacy. It’s like a game of tag where you’re not quite sure who’s ‘it.’
4. The ‘Phantom Ex’
Just like a pesky phantom, past relationships can haunt the present. The ‘pusher’ and ‘puller’ dynamics often stem from previous relational experiences and the emotional baggage they carry. The ghost of the ex looms large, casting a shadow over the present relationship.
5. Inconsistent Communication
Like a yo-yo, the communication in a push-pull relationship is up and down. Sometimes it’s constant, loving, almost obsessive, and other times it’s sparse, detached, and impersonal.
This inconsistency keeps the ‘puller’ in a state of constant anxiety and anticipation. [Read: Trauma bonding, 35 signs to unmask it and secrets to get over it]
6. Difficulty Making Commitments
The push-pull dynamic often translates into difficulty making commitments, particularly for the ‘pusher.’ They might be hesitant to define the relationship, make future plans, or take significant relationship steps like moving in together.
7. The Relationship Feels Like an Emotional Rollercoaster
It’s passionate, it’s intense, it’s exhilarating… but it’s also draining. The continual cycle of closeness and distance, of intimacy and detachment, can leave both partners feeling emotionally worn out.
8. The Dynamic Creates a Power Imbalance
The power play in a push and pull relationship often tips toward the ‘pusher’, creating a power imbalance. This uneven distribution of control can result in the ‘puller’ grappling with feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem.
They may feel like they’re on an emotional tightrope, teetering between hope and despair, which can be as exhausting as running a marathon with one shoelace undone.
This constant tension can also feed into a vicious cycle, where the ‘puller’ yearns for stability, but the more they reach for it, the more the ‘pusher’ might retreat, creating a never-ending loop of emotional tag. [Read: How to get your power back in a relationship and earn your respect]
9. Intense Jealousy and Possessiveness
The ‘puller,’ fearing abandonment, can often display intense jealousy and possessiveness. On the other hand, the ‘pusher’ may react to these feelings with further withdrawal, intensifying the dynamic.
10. The Relationship Impacts Other Areas of Life
Push-pull relationships can be so consuming that they start to affect other areas of your life.
You might find it hard to concentrate on work, maintain friendships, or engage in hobbies because the relationship takes up so much emotional space.
11. Difficulty in Resolving Conflicts
This type of relationship often follows a familiar pattern during conflicts: the ‘puller’ tries to address issues while the ‘pusher’ avoids them, leading to frustration and rarely a resolution.
12. Regular Reassurance is Needed
In push and pull relationships, the ‘puller’ is frequently navigating through a cloud of uncertainty due to the ‘pusher’s’ inconsistent behavior.
This unpredictability sparks a need in the ‘puller’ for continuous reassurances about the stability of the relationship.
It’s a bit like trying to build a house on a shaky foundation – no matter how many times you check the blueprints, you can’t quite shake off the feeling that it might all collapse. [Read: How to recognize emotionally unstable people for less drama in your life]
The Real Reasons People Are Drawn to Push and Pull Relationships
“Why oh why do I keep riding this emotional rollercoaster?” you may ask yourself. Believe it or not, there are quite a few psychological reasons why people are drawn to push-pull relationships.
1. The ‘Excitement Factor’
You know how action movies are always more thrilling than slow dramas? A similar thing happens in push-pull relationships. The highs are sky-high, the lows are deep-sea-low, and all that drama can be addictively thrilling.
People often misinterpret this constant emotional turbulence as passion, mistaking instability for a love that’s simply too strong to be steady. [Read: The emotional roller coaster relationship, and the signs, causes and ways to end it]
2. Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style: The Paradoxical Longing for Closeness and Fear of It
You thought we were done with Attachment Theory, didn’t you? Well, there’s another attachment style that often finds itself tangled in the push and pull relationship – the Fearful Avoidant.
These individuals paradoxically long for closeness while also fearing it. They might feel a deep need for intimacy but also an overwhelming urge to escape when they achieve it.
It’s like wanting to jump into the sea but being terrified of the water. This creates a push-pull effect within a single person, causing them to oscillate between seeking and avoiding closeness. [Read: The fearful-avoidant attachment style, the 39 biggest signs and how to avoid it]
3. The Illusion of Change: Believing that Love Can Conquer All, Even Ingrained Attachment Styles
A lot of people stay in push-pull relationships under the belief that love can conquer all. They think, “If I just love them enough, if I just try harder, they’ll stop pushing me away.“
This is often driven by the illusion of change, the hope that love can modify deeply ingrained attachment styles.
Unfortunately, love, while powerful, can’t always rewrite the psychological script we’ve been handed. It’s essential to remember that change, when it comes, has to come from within the individual.
4. The Intensity Creates a Strong Bond
The emotional intensity of a push and pull relationship can create a strong bond between partners.
The ‘puller’ often feels a sense of accomplishment when they successfully draw the ‘pusher’ back in, while the ‘pusher’ can feel a sense of validation when they’re pursued. [Read: Is someone pushing you away? 23 signs, why they push and how to get things to settle]
5. The Pursuit of the Unattainable
Human beings are funny creatures. We often desire what we can’t quite attain, and the ‘pusher’ in a push-pull relationship represents just that – an elusive love that’s always just out of reach, which can create a compelling, albeit painful, allure for the ‘puller.’
6. Familiar Patterns
Often, people repeat relational patterns they observed or experienced in their formative years.
If you grew up witnessing a push-pull dynamic in your parents’ relationship, or you experienced a similar dynamic in your early relationships, it can feel familiar and even ‘normal’ to you.
7. Low Self-Esteem and Fear of Rejection
For some, the push-pull dynamic stems from low self-esteem and a fear of rejection.
The ‘puller’ might believe they’re not worthy of consistent love and accept the crumbs they’re given, while the ‘pusher’ might fear the vulnerability that comes with genuine intimacy. [Read: The attention whore, 23 signs and steps to handle an attention seeker]
8. The Novelty and Unpredictability Keep Things Interesting
Let’s face it, predictability can sometimes feel boring. The constant uncertainty in a push and pull relationship keeps things ‘interesting.’
The dopamine rush of the ‘make-up’ phase can be quite intoxicating, making it hard to break the cycle.
Undeniable Impacts of Push and Pull Relationships
Just like indulging in too many thrilling rollercoaster rides can leave you dizzy and disoriented, being in a push and pull relationship can have significant effects on your emotional well-being.
Here’s what you’re likely signing up for when you strap in for this tumultuous ride:
1. Emotional Instability
The constant back-and-forth of emotions can create a state of perpetual anxiety and insecurity. One moment, you’re on cloud nine, and the next, you’re in the pits of despair.
Your emotional state becomes dependent on the unpredictable whims of your partner. In short, your emotions start behaving like a rebellious teenager — unpredictable, dramatic, and slightly terrifying!
2. Self-Esteem Issues
The cycle of being desired and then rejected can do a number on your self-esteem. You start to question your worth and wonder if you’re truly lovable.
Spoiler alert: You are! But this toxic dynamic can make you forget that. [Read: Toxic relationship – 107 signs, causes and types of love that hurt you]
3. Difficulty Forming Stable Relationships in the Future
Like a bad dance instructor, push-pull relationships can teach you some seriously wonky relationship steps.
This can make it difficult to navigate healthier relationships in the future because you’ve become accustomed to the erratic rhythm of the push-pull dynamic.
It’s like learning to waltz when you’ve only ever done the cha-cha-cha!
4. Mental Health Impacts
Beyond the immediate emotional turbulence, the sustained stress and uncertainty in a push-pull dynamic can potentially snowball into more severe mental health concerns.
Like the emotional strain opens a Pandora’s Box, with anxiety disorders and depression being the unwanted gifts.
Over time, this constant state of heightened stress and emotional flux can wear down even the most resilient among us, potentially leading to significant psychological distress and an increased risk of mental health disorders.
5. Social Isolation
As you become more and more invested in the push-pull relationship, you might find yourself pulling away from friends and family, either due to the emotional exhaustion or because you’re too wrapped up in the relationship drama.
This can leave you feeling lonely and isolated, like a ship lost at sea. [Read: 28 lonely truths about feeling alone in a relationship and how to fix it ASAP]
6. Distorted View of Love
Being in a push-pull relationship can distort your view of what love is supposed to look like.
You might come to believe that love is supposed to be a struggle, filled with conflict and uncertainty, rather than stability, respect, and mutual growth, which can affect your expectations and tolerance in future relationships.
7. Physical Health Impacts
Yes, you read that right. All that emotional stress can take a toll on your physical health as well. It can lead to sleep problems, appetite changes, a weakened immune system, and even an increased risk of cardiovascular issues.
Who would have guessed that matters of the heart could exact such a heavy toll on one’s health?
8. Emotional Burnout
The constant cycle of highs and lows can leave you emotionally exhausted, or burnt out.
You might find yourself feeling numb or detached, no longer able to muster the emotional energy to respond to the relationship’s demands. [Read: The Hero Complex – What it is, 39 signs and the psychology of ‘save the day’ syndrome]
How to Address a Push and Pull Relationship
If you find yourself tangled in the web of a push-pull relationship, don’t worry. We have a guide to lead you toward more tranquil and fulfilling relationship experiences.
1. Recognizing the Signs and Patterns
The first step in navigating a push and pull relationship is being able to recognize that you’re in one. You’re halfway there if you’ve noticed the patterns we’ve discussed.
Self-awareness is the lighthouse guiding you toward change. Keep a lookout for the signs, and don’t be afraid to call a spade a spade, or in this case, a push and pull relationship, a push and pull relationship. [Read: 21 signs of a bad relationship that signal a bad future ahead]
2. Open and Honest Communication
Open and honest communication is essential in navigating a push-pull relationship. It’s crucial to share your observations and emotions with your partner and invite them to express theirs as well.
Keep in mind, this isn’t about pointing fingers or assigning blame; it’s about gaining a deeper understanding of each other’s behaviors and responses.
3. Professional Help
Navigating a push and pull relationship can feel like trying to decipher a cryptic sea chart. A trained professional, like a psychologist or a relationship counselor, can be like an experienced captain guiding you through.
Therapy can help both partners understand their attachment styles and provide strategies to foster healthier dynamics.
4. Personal Growth
Just like how a ship needs maintenance, so do we. Focus on personal growth, fostering independence, and self-love.
These acts of self-care will strengthen your emotional hull, helping you weather the push-pull storm. And remember, you’re not being selfish, you’re ensuring that you’re the best version of yourself, for you and for your relationships. [Read: 28 self-improvement secrets to improve yourself and transform into your best self]
Take Control of Your Love Life!
Remember that life’s journeys, including our romantic ones, are often filled with unexpected twists and turns. And just like a good novel, it’s the challenging chapters that truly shape our character and growth.
So, if you find yourself caught in the dramatic dance of a push and pull relationship, don’t see it as a sign of defeat.
Instead, consider it a transformative journey – a mirror reflecting your strengths, your vulnerabilities, and the boundaries you need to establish.
It’s through navigating these stormy seas that we learn to chart the course of our own love lives. [Read: How to be your own hero and take full control of your life]
And let’s get one thing straight: the grand theatre of life doesn’t require our romantic relationships to resemble a Shakespearean drama. Real love is not about constant struggle; it’s about comfort, understanding, growth, and mutual respect.
So, take control of your love life! Seek relationships that light up your life, not ones that feel like a never-ending rollercoaster ride.
In the game of love, make sure you’re not just a player, but also the referee. Be clear about your rules, call out the fouls, and know when it’s time to blow the whistle. Demand respect, understand your worth, and never settle for anything less than you deserve.
[Read: Narcissistic relationship – How it feels, 36 patterns, signs and ways to end it]
In the end, the key to navigating the tricky terrains of push and pull relationships lies in understanding and mastering your own emotional landscape.
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