Playing the victim is a manipulation tactic that never gets you anywhere. It makes you controlling, self-absorbed, and toxic when you do this to others.
No one wants to be the victim of cheating, of abuse, of the unwitting actions of other people. But surprisingly enough, playing victim without actually being a victim is something a lot of people tend to do.
They may do this for attention, for pity, or just for the heck of it simply because they can get away with it.
If that’s you, and you think your life is fine and dandy by playing the victim, we’re about to prove you very, very wrong. You see, people that play the victim only do this to gain an edge over someone. For instance, in a relationship, you play the victim to avoid admitting fault for your mistakes. See what we mean by manipulative?
But when you constantly do this, you may gain a brownie point in that instant, but your actions would hurt your relationships and those around you every single time. [Read: Signs of manipulation in a relationship you should never ignore]
The Psyche Behind Playing the Victim
We’re going to look at why some people tend to fall into this pattern and how it ties back to deeper psychological factors.
When we talk about playing the victim, we’re really talking about a mindset where someone consistently sees themselves as the injured party, regardless of the situation. It’s a way of looking at the world that can be deeply ingrained.
Playing the victim often ties back to a concept in psychology known as ‘external locus of control.’ This is where a person believes that external forces, rather than their own actions, control their life outcomes.
When someone consistently plays the victim, they’re essentially avoiding taking responsibility for their actions and placing the blame on others. It’s a way of thinking that can be quite ingrained, and it can lead to a cycle of manipulation and evasion of personal accountability. [Read: Psychological manipulation: How it works, 37 tactics, signs & ways to deal]
Another relevant theory is ‘cognitive dissonance.’ This is the discomfort one experiences when holding two conflicting beliefs or attitudes.
A person might internally recognize their fault in a situation but, to avoid the discomfort of this self-awareness, they twist the narrative to make themselves appear as the victim. It allows them to maintain their self-image and avoid the uneasy feeling of being in the wrong.
Furthermore, playing the victim can be linked to certain personality traits, as studied in personality psychology. Traits like low agreeableness and high neuroticism can make a person more prone to adopting a victim stance in conflicts.
The behavior is often seen in individuals with narcissistic tendencies, where there’s a constant need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. [Read: 29 subtle signs to spot a narcissist & read NPD traits in a relationship]
Why is Playing Victim Such a Bad Thing?
It’s a bad thing because it generally means you’re switching the blame. You know it’s your fault and instead of being a decent human being and apologizing, you make it seem like it was their fault. The worst part is that if the person you’re playing victim on is kind and selfless, they’ll do it anyway.
They’ll say sorry for something that was YOUR fault. How cruel is that? When you make a habit of doing this in all your relationships and friendships, we promise you, you’ll push everyone away. Nobody likes someone who manipulates things purely for their benefit.
When you do this, you’re making people feel sorry for you instead of just doing the moral thing and apologizing. Playing victim is one of the gaslighting tactics which is, yet again, another manipulation technique.
When someone is an expert in doing this, they will do everything in their power to make you feel sorry for them and have pity for them. If you’re in a fight, they’ll end up having the upper hand constantly because of this. [Read: Manipulative people: How to spot them and stop playing the victim]
What Playing the Victim Will Do to You
Here are just some of the ways that putting up the whole victim front can make your life so much worse.
1. You’re an Energy Vampire
If you are always putting out negative energy, you’re going to attract negative energy. No one wants to be around someone always complaining and talking about how life sucks.
For example, if you meet a guy at a bar and he asks you how you are, he doesn’t actually mean he wants you to tell him every little thing currently wrong with you.
You suck the life of everything and everyone around you. Don’t you get exhausted playing victim constantly? Aren’t you a little tired of the manipulative games?
You have to stop acting like you carry all the world’s problems on your shoulder. You’re not. It’s just an act to get people to feel sorry for you. [Read: How to master positive self talk to banish negativity]
2. You Worry Too Much
If you’re always paranoid and worried about things, you’re basically wasting all the time you could be using having more good times. You can carry an umbrella all you want, but it doesn’t mean the weatherman will predict the weather correctly.
If you’re always worrying trying to make sure you have control, you’ll never actually gain it. When you play the victim, you worry too much, simple as that. So you’ll never live life to the fullest when you’re constantly overwhelmed with worry and anxiety.
Of course, bad things can happen in life, like car wrecks, robbery, even murder. But good things happen too! All the ups and downs in life are what make life exciting. Without the bad stuff, we wouldn’t appreciate the good. [Read: 20 glaring signs you have a control freak in you!]
3. You are Always Jealous
There will always be someone prettier, richer, smarter, uglier, dumber, and whatever else than you. You should be happy that not everyone is the same because if everyone were, life would be really boring.
If you find yourself always getting annoyed, or wishing bad things about people, then you are a very jealous person that is pretty miserable and miserable to be around.
If you find yourself getting jealous easily about the accomplishments of others, it’s important to ask yourself why, and to realize that only you are to blame for your unhappiness. You’ve turned yourself into your own jealous monster.
The truth is, jealousy is never an attractive trait on anyone, so you should stop playing victim if you can help yourself. if you’re constantly saying that you’re sorry you’re not as attractive as they are, just stop. Your insecurities are showing. [Read: How to stop being jealous of others’ success]
4. You Tend to Find and Create Drama, Drama, Drama
Unhappy people tend to always have drama surrounding them, never taking responsibility for their actions, because life is evil and out to get them, always. If you are always talking about people, it should come as no surprise that those people will talk about you to people as well.
You’re not someone who will be considered a good friend if you’re talking negatively about your friends to other friends. Being addicted to drama and involving others will lead to a negative life.
It’s a simple rule: treat others how you want to be treated. If you are treating your friends poorly, you will be treated poorly in return.
This goes back to the whole negative energy idea. You get what you give. If you’re always involved in some sort of drama, then you will continue to deal with very ridiculous problems and head-trips. When you decide to be the type of friend that you would want, only then will you start to live a drama-free life. [Read: 10 types of toxic friends to avoid]
5. You Never Want to Do or Even Try Anything
If you never want to go anywhere or try new things, then you’re never going to go anywhere in life, literally. Happy people are those who wake up in the morning with goals, plans, determination and who fall 7 times and stand up 8. When you’re a happy person, you appreciate a sunny day and everything it has to offer.
Playing the victim isn’t a good thing, even if it encourages you to gain an edge over someone. So if you want to stop this vicious cycle, create goals and go after them.
Create a routine and live a happy life. When you’re playing victim, you sleep all day when the sun is out shining, and complain about foot problems, or your back hurting, and go on and on about how you wanted to work out but you “couldn’t.”
You make excuses for everything and anything because you don’t want to stare at the sun, even if you have to squint. [Read: Why settle for less when you can have so much more?]
6. You’re Ungrateful
Ah yes, gratitude. This is such an important emotion that counters all negative and difficult emotions that exist. Victim-players are those who are never satisfied, and always find faults with things.
For example, if it is your birthday and your boyfriend buys you a sweater, the normal and polite thing to do would be to say “thank you, I love it!” but instead victim-players say something more along the lines of “I didn’t want the pink one.”
Not only is this passive-aggressive, but you’re playing the victim and making others feel sorry for you. If you aren’t appreciative of anything, then you definitely don’t have the ability to appreciate the life you’ve been given. [Read: 16 reasons why you’re always being taken for granted]
7. You are Consumed With what Once Was
If you are someone who is always talking about how awesome you were in high school, or how you used to be really skinny, or anything associated with your past and your “once was,” then you will never move forward and find true happiness. You have to stop living in the past.
Playing victim means you’re stuck on the events of the past, which is never a good thing. Who you’ve been in the past instead of the present, you’re not really living your life. Dwelling on the past keeps you stuck until you can no longer move forward.
What you should realize is that life changes, and just because you may not be where you want to be, doesn’t mean that you can’t and won’t. Only you have control over yourself and the life you want to live.
It’s okay if you reminisce from time to time with your friends about high school and college, but if you tend to find yourself being the only one ever talking about your glory days, you’re going to eventually find yourself sitting alone not talking to anyone. [Read: How to let go of the past and be excited by the future]
8. You Don’t Know How to Take Accountability
The result of playing victim in your life will cause you not to know how to take accountability. There is nothing positive or good that playing victim will provide in your life.
All it will do is encourage you to avoid taking the blame and not take responsibility for your mistakes. [Read: How to apologize and say sorry to a lover]
This is such a common manipulation tactic because it works, especially for people who don’t know what playing the victim means.
If you keep doing this whenever you’re at fault and think you can get away with it each time, there will come a day when your loved one will realize precisely what you’re doing. This is when it’s game over for you.
9. You Engage in Negative Self-talk
Playing victim also means you tend to engage in negative self-talk, and there’s nothing good you tell yourself. Especially when there’s conflict and your loved ones are frustrated with you, you’ll keep using negative self-talk to your advantage – to make people feel sorry for you.
This is the most self-sabotaging thing you can do to yourself so while you will get out of blame, the sacrifice is your own confidence and self-esteem. When you play victim, you talk so badly about yourself that it feels so draining and exhausting for you and others as well. [Read: How to master positive self talk and banish negativity]
10. You Manipulate Others
If there’s anything playing the victim is known for, it’s being a manipulation tactic. What this does is it lets you manipulate the people you love until nobody stays by your side because you tend to play victim.
There’s absolutely no room for manipulation when you love someone as it means you want to have control and the upper hand every time.
So if you’re wondering what playing the victim does in your life, it encourages you to manipulate and gaslight others to get precisely what you want. Because when they feel sorry for you, that gives you the upper hand. [Read: Psychological manipulation: 16 signs & tactics real manipulators use]
11. You Unintentionally Push People Away
Playing victim feels so harmful to the receiving end that you will push everyone away in your life, whether you like it or not. This is why you shouldn’t be attempting to play victim in the first place. So if you want people to stay in your life and not leave you because they can’t handle you, stop playing the victim.
Remember that whether you’re aware of playing the victim or not, it’s still a manipulation tactic to control things in your favor.
So the longer you keep doing this tendency in every conflict, nobody will want to stay in your life. If they do stay, it’s out of obligation or tolerance, not love. [Read: How to stop pushing people away: Why you do this & how to stop it]
12. You Lack Confidence and Self-esteem
We’ve mentioned earlier that when you tend to play victim, you’re encouraging low self-esteem and confidence. This should be your primary motivation to stop doing it altogether. When you keep playing victim, all it’s doing is reflecting how badly you truly see yourself.
When you convince others that you feel so worthless and don’t deserve them, all you’re doing is reflecting your lack of confidence in them. [Read: How to build self-confidence: 16 ways to realize you’re worth it]
13. You Have a Temper
There’s another thing playing a victim is known for, and it’s showing your temperamental side. Whether it’s anger, frustration, rage, or resentment, you’re bound to show your temper. When things don’t go your way and don’t get what you want, you use your temper against others.
You have no self-control and discipline to control your emotions, so your temper tends to show when you’re frustrated. Playing the victim will make you feel like your temper controls you rather than the other way around.
[Read: 10 ways to handle dating someone with anger issues]
14. You Struggle with Relationships
When you’re always playing the victim, relationships can become a battlefield. Friends, family, and partners might feel like they’re constantly walking on eggshells, unsure of what will set off your sense of victimhood.
Over time, this can lead to strained or broken relationships, as people may find it exhausting to constantly validate your grievances or tiptoe around your sensitivities. In a scenario, you might find yourself frequently arguing with friends who feel you’re unfairly blaming them for your problems.
15. You Miss Out on Personal Growth
Playing the victim often means you’re stuck in a loop of blame and excuses, which stalls personal development. When challenges arise, instead of learning from them and growing, you might find it easier to play the victim and not confront your weaknesses.
This can lead to missed opportunities for self-improvement, whether it’s in your career, personal skills, or emotional intelligence. [Read: 28 self-improvement secrets to improve yourself & transform into your best self]
16. Your Professional Life Suffers
In the workplace, playing the victim can be particularly damaging. If you’re always blaming colleagues or circumstances for missed deadlines or poor performance, you’re unlikely to advance or be trusted with more responsibility.
Your superiors and peers might view you as unreliable or difficult to work with, which can hamper your career progression and workplace relationships.
17. You Develop a Pessimistic Outlook
Continuously playing the victim can color your worldview negatively. You might start to see the worst in people and situations, expecting betrayal, disappointment, or failure.
This pessimistic outlook can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, where you unconsciously sabotage good opportunities or relationships because you’ve already decided they’ll turn sour.
18. You Become Resistant to Change
Embracing change is tough when you’re in a victim mentality. You might find yourself resisting even positive changes, as they require stepping out of your comfort zone and potentially facing the issues you’ve been avoiding.
Resistance can keep you stuck in unsatisfactory situations, be it a job you dislike or a relationship that’s not fulfilling, simply because the familiarity of discontent feels safer. [Read: Small ways to deal with big changes in your life]
19. Your Health Can Deteriorate
The stress and negativity of constantly playing the victim can take a toll on your physical health. This isn’t just speculation, it’s backed by science.
A study published in Psychological Bulletin showed a clear link between stress and the immune system, indicating how chronic stress can lead to health issues. Turns out, stress can exacerbate or lead to a variety of health issues, from headaches and insomnia to more serious conditions like heart disease.
In a cycle of stress and physical ailments, each condition potentially worsens the other, demonstrating how mental and emotional states can have profound impacts on physical health. You might find yourself in a cycle of stress and physical ailments, each feeding into the other.
20. You Lose Sight of Your Goals and Aspirations
When playing the victim becomes a habit, it can consume your focus and energy, leaving little room for pursuing goals and dreams.
You might find yourself giving up on aspirations because you’re caught up in a narrative of helplessness and blame. This can lead to a life that feels unfulfilling and stagnant, as you’re not actively working towards anything meaningful.
What Causes Victim Mentality
But what makes someone play the victim role? It’s not just a random choice. Various factors can nudge a person down this path. Let’s unpack these factors, from the environment they grew up to the unseen psychological forces at play.
1. Environmental Factors
Family dynamics are a major player here. If someone grows up in a household where playing the victim is a common tactic to gain attention or avoid conflict, it’s like they’re enrolled in a master class on victimhood from a young age. This behavior becomes their go-to strategy in dealing with life’s challenges. [Read: Toxic family members: Signs and reasons to cut them off for good]
2. Psychological Triggers
Now, let’s delve into the mind. Low self-esteem is a big red flag for playing the victim. When you don’t feel great about yourself, casting yourself as the perpetual underdog can be a way to explain away failures or shortcomings.
It’s a defense mechanism: “It’s not me, it’s the world against me.” Then there’s the fear of responsibility. Some find the idea of being accountable so daunting that twisting a narrative to place the blame elsewhere becomes a more comforting option.
3. Societal and Cultural Influences
Our broader society and culture can also shape this tendency. In cultures where victimhood is often sensationalized or given a lot of media attention, playing the victim can seem like a viable way to gain sympathy or clout. [Read: The toxic dangers of social media & signs and ways it makes you insecure]
On the other hand, in societies with rigid hierarchies or systemic inequalities, playing the victim can sometimes be a response to real or perceived powerlessness. It’s like a coping strategy for dealing with an environment where you feel constantly marginalized or silenced.
4. Cognitive Biases and Thought Patterns
Our brains are wired with certain cognitive biases that can predispose us to playing the victim. For instance, the negativity bias makes us more likely to focus on negative events, which can reinforce a victim mentality.
Someone might start to perceive the world as more hostile or unfair than it actually is. There’s also the confirmation bias, where a person selectively seeks out or remembers information that confirms their victim status, ignoring evidence to the contrary.
5. Personal Trauma and Past Experiences
Personal traumas, especially those from early life, can have a profound impact. These might include experiences of abuse, neglect, or significant loss. [Read: Trauma bonding in relationships: 35 signs & secrets to unmask & escape]
Such traumas can shape one’s worldview, leading to feelings of vulnerability and a sense that the world is a threatening place. It can manifest in adulthood as a tendency to slip into the victim role during stressful situations, almost as a protective mechanism.
6. Relationship Patterns and Dynamics
Patterns established in relationships, especially those formed in early life, can play a role. For instance, if a child learns that playing the victim earns them attention or care from a parent, they might carry this behavior into adulthood. In romantic relationships, a similar dynamic can emerge, where one partner consistently plays the victim to gain sympathy, control, or attention.
7. Mental Health Conditions
Certain mental health conditions can also exacerbate or contribute to a victim mentality. Individuals with depression might interpret life events through a lens of hopelessness and helplessness, aligning with victim-like thinking.
Anxiety disorders can also play a role, as constant worry and fear can make the world seem more hostile, reinforcing a victim mindset. [Read: Signs of anxiety: How to read the signs ASAP & handle them better]
How to Stop Playing the Victim Card
Now the real question here: how do we stop playing the victim? It’s one thing to recognize the pattern, but breaking free from it is where the real work begins.
1. Practice Self-Reflection and Mindfulness
Taking time to self-reflect is crucial. It involves examining your thoughts and behaviors honestly and asking yourself why you might be playing the victim. [Read: 25 honest, self-reflection questions to recognize the real YOU inside]
Mindfulness can help in this process, as it teaches you to observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment. It can be as simple as sitting quietly for a few minutes each day, just noticing what goes through your mind, and gradually learning to shift your thought patterns towards more positive and empowering ones.
2. Develop Assertiveness
Learning to communicate your needs and boundaries assertively, rather than passively or aggressively, can help you step out of the victim role. Assertiveness is about expressing yourself confidently and calmly, without blaming others or playing the victim.
For instance, instead of saying, “You always make me feel bad,” try, “I feel upset when this happens, and I need us to find a solution together.” This shifts the focus from blaming to problem-solving.
3. Set Realistic Goals and Take Small Steps
Setting achievable goals can give you a sense of control over your life, countering feelings of helplessness. Start with small, manageable goals, and gradually work your way up.
Celebrate your achievements along the way. This could be as simple as setting a goal to go for a walk every morning, proving to yourself that you can commit to positive changes. [Read: What should I do with my life? 22 steps to find a way when you feel lost]
4. Seek Support from Friends and Family
Having a support system is essential. Talk to friends or family members you trust about your desire to change this mindset.
Sometimes, just voicing your challenges can help you see them more clearly. Plus, these people can offer valuable outside perspectives and keep you accountable for your progress.
5. Challenge Your Victim Narrative
Actively challenging and rewriting your victim narrative is a powerful step. When you catch yourself slipping into the victim mindset, pause and try to reframe the situation.
Instead of thinking, “This always happens to me,” try thinking, “This is an opportunity for me to handle things differently.” Doing this helps in gradually shifting your narrative from one of victimhood to one of resilience and agency.
6. Cultivate Gratitude
Practicing gratitude can be a game-changer. It shifts your focus from what you lack or what has gone wrong to what is positive in your life.
Keeping a gratitude journal where you write down things you are thankful for each day can be a simple but effective way to cultivate a more positive and proactive outlook. [Read: How to be grateful: 20 authentic ways to appreciate and express it]
7. Engage in Positive Activities
Involve yourself in activities that boost your mood and self-esteem. This could be anything from a hobby you enjoy, to volunteering, to learning a new skill.
Activities like these not only improve your mood and self-worth but also serve as reminders that you have the power to affect your own life positively.
8. Embrace Personal Responsibility
Embracing personal responsibility is key to overcoming a victim mentality. This means accepting that your actions, decisions, and responses are under your control. [Read: Be your own hero: What it means and how to take control of life]
For example, when something goes wrong, instead of immediately looking for external factors or people to blame, ask yourself, “What role did I play in this situation?” or “How can I handle this better next time?” A shift in perspective empowers you to take charge of your life, rather than feeling at the mercy of external circumstances.
9. Learn to Differentiate Between Victimhood and Being a Victim
Understanding the difference between actually being a victim and playing the victim is crucial. There are times when you are genuinely wronged, and acknowledging this is important.
However, constantly perceiving yourself as a victim, even in everyday challenges or minor conflicts, is a different story. By learning to differentiate between these situations, you can respond appropriately, seeking justice or support when truly victimized, and adopting a more proactive approach in other scenarios.
10. Regularly Evaluate Your Progress
Finally, regularly assessing your progress can be incredibly motivating. This could be as simple as reflecting at the end of each week on moments when you might have fallen into a victim mindset and how you handled them.
Did you apply any of the strategies you’re working on? What worked and what didn’t? A regular evaluation helps in recognizing patterns, celebrating progress, and identifying areas for further improvement.
We Choose to Identify as a Victim or Not
People with real problems don’t run around always talking about them. Instead, they recognize that life is worth living, regardless of the circumstances. They focus on finding ways to deal with their challenges, actively seeking solutions and paths forward.
Borrowing from the stoic Marcus Aurelius, it’s a poignant reminder that “we choose to identify as a victim or not. We choose how we’re going to respond.” It’s about recognizing that while we may not always have control over what happens to us, we certainly have control over how we interpret these events and how we react to them.
[Read: How to handle the pressure to live life to the fullest and thrive]
Playing the victim of circumstances only serves to stop you from living a life that you have control of. Breaking free from this mindset opens up a world of possibilities where you’re no longer a passive bystander in your own life. Instead, you become the active director, capable of writing a story that resonates with strength, resilience, and empowerment.
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