Burning Old Bridges, Building New Ones

[ad_1]

A New Year is well underway… which, to be honest, doesn’t mean jack sh*t to me, lol. If I were disciplined enough, every day would feel like a day filled with resolutions. “Day One!” instead of “One Day…”

I’m just trying to write more and more these days — short stories, limericks, maybe even some fiction. Whatever I end up doing in the creative space, I don’t feel like publishing any of it. Mostly because it’s for my own selfish joy and pleasure. Why would I want to share that part of my joy with people who are ungrateful? It’s not going to make them feel even a fraction of what I feel. I’m just writing about the things I contemplate; usually, I put them down on paper. Writing about this stuff calms me. Like I said, this is my therapy.

I envy everyone who seems complacent these days. More than envy, there’s a certain kind of hatred there. I guess that hatred comes from their “I, Me, Mine” mindset — from their complacency. And the tendency to reach out only when they’re the ones in need… funny, right?

When I reach out, more often than not, it’s the complacent ones who act like giving a little assistance isn’t important. And it’s not a big ask — I’m not asking for huge sums of money or anything materialistic. Just time and attention.

And if time and attention are a big ask, then I guess I’m not cut out for this world.

Burning Em’

This is not a “f**k you” to all those who could’ve but didn’t. This is just me taking care of myself — not because I was reliant on them, but because I trusted them with my life. I would’ve given my all to be there for them, to check up on them.

It’s the reciprocation from this end —and the lack thereof from the other — that’s hard to deal with. In a way, it feels like if they reached out even now, I’d still try to be there for them. But I also know I’d be foolish to do so.

It looks as though my silence is mistaken for patience, but it’s closer to caution. Words, once given, are no longer mine — and not everyone deserves to carry them. Especially the complacent and the ungrateful.

You’re not dead to me. But maybe I am to you. So it’s better I stay that way: unreachable, untraceable — what once was.

There are also times when I let my feelings be disrespected — whether I allowed someone control over my emotions or not. And rare as it is, when I’ve finally had enough and confront them, I’m looked at like the asshole for simply saying how their actions made me feel.

But what does it matter to them? I gave them plenty of windows. I reached out when I needed them. I reached out when I wanted them. Hell, I even reached out when I was at my best — just to check on them, to see if they needed my help or support.

And still, in neither direction were they there for me. Not even a little space made for me in their lives.

Building Em’

I do have a few very close ones around, though. I’m appreciative of them — so much so that when I become a millionaire, every one of them gets a chunk… (and some won’t) … which is a crazy delusion to have, haha.

No, but seriously — I feel warm just knowing I have them in my life. It’s calming to have people who accept you, correct you, love you, and let you be completely honest.

I do feel a little hesitant about letting them into the crazy, shitty, traumatic experiences I’ve been through — and am still going through — knowing how it’s been for me so far. But I know who to reach out to and who not to bother with.

And by “building ’em,” I mean doing my best to keep up with them. Even if we lose touch at times, I know these people are always going to be there for me — and me for them.

And yeah, I probably only have this “fk you” attitude because I’m backed by these people in my life. Without them… well, I’d probably still have that “fk you” attitude — it’s just easier when you’ve got a few who will show up when shit hits the fan.

What else and what next?

I’m gonna keep writing — on paper, on the internet. To my tens of readers on Medium , I’ve got some beautiful stories coming up. Oooh, they’re gonna floor you — love stories and experiences about this one person. I just think everyone’s gonna enjoy them and feel it through words…

But okay, I’m getting way ahead of myself. I’ll make sure to write them properly.

For now, I’ll just keep scribbling, thinking, and letting the words flow. Who knows where they’ll take me — or you. Either way, it’s all part of the ride, and I’m here for it.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.