Are you comparing your divorce to your girlfriends’ divorces? Don’t and here’s why: Because every divorce case is unique.
I want to start off by explaining that there are six people who will determine what happens in your divorce:
1. You.
2. Your Ex.
3. The mediator.
4. His lawyer.
5. Your lawyer.
6. The judge.
Let’s start with the judge. If you get a judge who is traditional, he or she might make decisions that will benefit the woman in the divorce. If the judge tends to have a soft spot for single dads, it could benefit the man. Then there’s your mediator. If you have a good one, your divorce has a better chance of really good outcome for both you and your ex, and of course, your kids.
And both of the attorneys: If yours or your ex’s attorney has a contentious style, the case will take a lot longer to settle. If you get two attorneys who work well together, the divorce could go a lot smoother.
Then there’s you and your ex. If one or both of you let anger and resentment influence your ability to communicate and/or make decisions, the divorce will take longer, the attorney’s fees will be higher, and your outcome might very well be affected.
For example, if one of the people getting divorced gets into a new romantic relationship, the other could slow down the divorce process on purpose because of anger or jealousy, back out of deals that are already agreed upon, or even act vindictively.
So, when you start comparing your divorce to your friends’ divorces, you really are doing yourself a disservice, because you have no idea about the six influential people! For example, let’s say your girlfriend tells you she is getting $5000 per month in child support from her ex. And let’s say that is triple of what you are getting. You might think that is really unfair, or that you have a bad lawyer.
What you don’t realize is, maybe her ex makes a lot more than your ex. Maybe she gave up the house or other assets to get that high of an amount. Maybe she has full custody of the children. Maybe her ex feels guilty for cheating, so he is willing to give her more than the law requires. There are a million other reasons every divorce settlement is unique.
Another example: a man getting divorced starts dating a woman who has an ex-husband who doesn’t pay child support. Now, all of a sudden, the guy is thinking, “Why doesn’t he have to pay and I do?” What the guy might not realize is that the ex-husband might be breaking the law. So, he might end up paying later. Or, maybe the woman got more assets in exchange for not getting child support. Or, maybe the woman settled for a bad deal in mediation because she was intimidated by her ex. There are too many possible scenarios to compare your divorce to others.
Comparing your divorce to others could be dangerous and here is why.
When you focus on others’ alimony or child support payments, you are only considering one piece of information. You have no idea what the other person’s entire divorce settlement looks like. Every divorce settlement is unique and there might be things your girlfriend isn’t telling you or that she doesn’t even realize about her deal.
The things is, divorces are complicated and there are countless reasons people settle on the things they settle for. There are so many circumstances: everything from how angry people are, how compassionate the couple is for each other’s circumstances, why they are getting divorced, how old the kids are, how effective the divorce attorneys are, how good or not good the mediator is, and how the judge rules. I could go on and on. So, if you are comparing your divorce to someone else’s, you’re making a mistake and you are wasting energy focusing on one piece of the pie when you can’t see the whole pie.
Instead of comparing your divorce to your girlfriends’ divorces, the better option is to trust your attorney (and if you don’t that’s a problem and you need to switch attorneys. It’s never too late to do this, in my opinion), trust the process and trust your gut. If something doesn’t seem right, talk to your attorney. Don’t be afraid to speak up and/or ask questions. Remember that you are the client who is paying your attorney. If you disagree with your attorney or you don’t feel good about what’s going on, no one says you can’t get another opinion or change attorneys.
I would also advise anyone getting divorced to educate themselves about their state’s divorce laws. Read! And, read every line of a document you are signing. Even if it takes you a whole day to look up every word and understand legalese. Don’t just trust your lawyer and sign it because he or she says “it’s fine.” If you read the documents yourself and you don’t understand what they mean, ask your attorney to spell in out for you in plain English. Don’t be too timid or embarrassed to do. Trust me on this one.
I compare getting divorced to buying a new car. When you walk out of the dealership (or mediation or the courtroom) you’re not really sure if you got a good deal or not. You’re pretty sure you did, you hope you did, and you should feel like the settlement you got is something you can live with-not something you are ecstatic about or really pissed about, but somewhere in between that feels fair to you. I think your gut will tell you.
Remember that no divorce is stress-free or even truly fair, for that matter. And that even the people who seem to be getting so much more than you probably feel like it’s not fair. Try to look at your divorce as an individual, unique case because that is what it is. The best part is that ultimately, you are paying for your freedom—for the opportunity to have a life that makes you happier and to rid yourself from toxicity. Those are things you can’t really put a price tag on.
