Discernment counseling is a powerful option for what is called the “mixed agenda” couple, where one person is seriously considering ending the marriage and the other is hoping for reconciliation. When one spouse learns about discernment counseling before the other, they may find themselves in the position of wanting to convince their partner to give it a try. Given that the environment is likely already one of high mistrust and vulnerability, this can be a tricky conversation.
If you are the “leaning in” spouse and your partner has one foot out the door, they are likely to hear the word “counseling” and become immediately skeptical. Therapy is the LAST thing many of these spouses want to consider. Likewise, if you are the “leaning out” spouse and your husband or wife is desperately hoping to save the marriage, they may fear that discernment counseling is just a way to help you end the marriage.
Here are some practical tips for discussing discernment counseling with your spouse:
Advice for the leaning in spouse
You want to save your marriage and hope to convince your spouse to try discernment counseling. Here are some thoughtful steps to approach the conversation:
1. Acknowledge your partner’s perspective.
Recognize that your partner almost certainly has different feelings and perceptions of the problems. Be empathetic and open to hearing their side of the story. Avoid interrupting or dismissing their emotions. Do not try to persuade your spouse by listing all the good things about your marriage. For now, your best bet is to demonstrate a willingness to better understand your spouse’s concerns.
2. Remember that you will be the “champion” for the marriage.
For the time being, as the person wanting to save the marriage, you will be the person working harder, listening more and asking less. If you end up choosing to pursue couples therapy, you will once again be a more “equal” participant in reconciliation. But, during this time of crisis, you are the champion for the marriage. Read more about being the champion here.
3. Introduce the idea of discernment counseling.
Explain what discernment counseling is and why you think it could be helpful. You might say, “I’ve heard about a type of counseling called discernment counseling. It’s designed for couples who are unsure about their future together. We only commit to a phone call and then one session at a time. I wonder if it could provide some clarity for us. I understand you don’t want to try marital therapy; perhaps this is a better option.”
4. Emphasize neutrality.
Assure your partner that discernment counseling is not about pushing for divorce or staying together. It’s a neutral space where both of you can explore your options without judgment.
5. Invite them directly to try discernment counseling.
Extend an invitation to attend a discernment counseling session together. Say something like, “Would you be willing to explore this option with me? I think it could help us understand where we stand and what steps to take next and I would like to try it.” A direct invitation is important.
Advice for the leaning out spouse
You are seriously considering ending your marriage, but you still have some ambivalence; this makes you a “leaning out” spouse. Your partner wants to try couples therapy, but you don’t. Here are some things to consider as the leaning out spouse:
1. Your spouse will worry that discernment counseling is designed to help you end the marriage.
Try to be empathic to their experience; when they read about discernment counseling, they will see the word “DIVORCE” everywhere they look. Your best bet is to explain that discernment counseling serves the purpose of slowing down the decision to divorce. Discernment counseling is not about pushing for divorce or staying together. It’s a neutral space where both of you can explore your options without judgment.
2. Introduce the idea of discernment counseling.
Explain what discernment counseling is and why you think it could be helpful. You might say, “I’ve heard about a type of counseling called discernment counseling. It is for couples who have different views of where to take their marriage. I’m not ready for marriage counseling, but I don’t want to jump to separation/divorce. This sounds like a good next step for us.”
3. If your spouse continues to push for marriage counseling…
Explain that marriage counseling works when both spouses are dedicated to making the marriage work. It is nearly impossible for couples to use therapy well if one person is focused on the divorce decision. Remind your spouse that couples who go through discernment counseling before marriage therapy often have a better chance at reconciliation!
4. Invite them directly to try discernment counseling.
Extend an invitation to attend a discernment counseling session together. Say something like, “Would you be willing to explore this option with me? I think it could help us understand where we stand and what steps to take next. Our only commitment to begin with is a phone call to determine if it is a good fit for us. I would like us to try it.”
Regardless of your own stance about the future of your marriage, handling these conversations well is hard, but critical. Be sure you choose the right time and place to bring up the idea of discernment counseling. Find a quiet and comfortable setting where both of you can talk openly without distractions and avoid bringing up the topic when tensions are high. Sometimes, it is best to give your spouse some time and space to learn more about discernment counseling on their own; you might refer them to this page where many of their questions and concerns may be addressed.
Dr. Wright graduated with distinction in psychology from Duke University in 1986. Before starting her graduate studies, she spent a year working at a runaway shelter outside of Washington, D.C. She then earned her doctoral degree from the Child & Family Clinical Psychology program at Michigan State University and completed her internship at Children’s Memorial (now Lurie Children’s) Hospital in Chicago. Prior work positions include staff psychologist at Children’s Hospital of Wisconsin and staff psychologist at the Child Protection Center in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Dr. Wright co-founded Drs. Lapporte, Wright & Assoc., PC in 1994. She sees clients of all ages and works with individuals, couples and families. Specializations include: Discernment Counseling, child and adolescent psychology, family systems therapy, couples therapy, medical psychology and performance psychology.
