Going through a divorce is a painful, stressful and scary time. But it’s not just parents who feel those difficult emotions. Kids are affected, too. When it comes to divorce and kids, people often say, “Kids are resilient,” and while there is truth to that statement, that doesn’t mean kids don’t need help and support during your divorce.
It’s hard to try to guess what your kids are thinking during your divorce, and many times kids don’t share their emotions for many reasons:
- They don’t want to burden their parents with additional stress.
- They are scared their parents won’t understand their feelings.
- It might be too painful to talk about what they are feeling.
One of the reasons I wrote my new children’s book, “My Parents are Getting Divorced” was to help children understand that their feelings are not uncommon, and that they are allowed—even entitled to these feelings about their parent’s divorce.
When it comes to divorce and kids, here are 10 things your kids might be thinking:
- Did I do something wrong? Is that why my parents are getting divorced?
It is not unusual for a child to blame themselves for their parent’s divorce. Kids are very self-centered (which is not a bad thing, it’s just a kid thing). Plus, they have a hard time understanding why this would happen, so they might just decide it has to be their fault.
2. I don’t want anything to change.
No one likes change. Adults don’t like it and neither do kids. It’s uncomfortable and scary and stressful. Divorce is a huge change.
3. Where’s all my stuff going to be?
That is how a kid thinks. It’s hard to fathom Mom and Dad having their own houses. Getting two of everything seems foreign to them. They might also be stressed about forgetting things at one of their parent’s houses.
4. Am I going to still live in my house? Go to the same school? Have the same friends?
Stress, stress and more stress! I always advise parents of having these things worked out before you even tell your kids about the divorce. This way, you can answer these questions quickly and put aside any stress your kids might have in this regard.
5. This isn’t fair.
For many kids, this is the first big, bad thing that has happened in their lives and it’s their first taste of “Life isn’t always fair.” I think it’s OK to tell your kids, “You’re right. This isn’t fair and you have every right to feel angry about it.” Unfortunately, it won’t change anything, but it will help validate your child’s feelings.
6. I don’t know any other kids whose parents are divorced. I don’t want us to be different.
No kid wants to be different than the other kids at school. My advice is: tell your kids that once people start finding out, a couple kids (or more) will most likely tell them that their parents are divorced, too. And, as they get older, they will start encountering more and more kids whose parents are divorced, and they won’t feel so different.
7. Maybe my parents will change their minds and not get divorced.
Hanging onto hope is so typical of every child, which is why when parents start dating, the kids can have a really hard time with it. Even when kids get older, some never lose hope that their parents will reconcile.
8. Maybe I can get my parents to change their minds and not get divorced.
This is the same concept as #7, but the kids think that maybe they can facilitate their parents working things out. Kids might think, ‘Maybe if I act better and do my homework, or be nicer to my parents, they won’t go through with the divorce.’
9. I’m mad at my parents. Why are they doing this to me?
So many kids carry a lot of anger and resentment towards their parents for getting divorced. When in reality they are just angry with the situation, they could take it out on the parents by being mean, misbehaving, doing poorly in school, and hanging out with bad kids.
10. I hope my parents still love me and want to be with me.
Insecurity is so common when it comes to what kids are thinking about your divorce. They might need to hear how much you love them more than they used to. Shower them with affection if you think it will help, but be careful not to overdo it.
In closing, is so important to keep the lines of communication open with your kids. Continue offering them the chance to talk and tell them you are here to listen and not judge. Try not to take things personally; their anger, resentment, wanting to spend more time with your ex. Remember that your kids are on their own journey and just like you, they are trying to cope with this sad and scary time in their lives.
