Having Difficult Conversations With Your Ex

Having difficult conversations with your ex before, during, and even after a divorce can feel overwhelming, especially if problems communicating were a part of your life together. While it may seem like conflict is inevitable, using a few practical communication techniques can help create opportunities for collaboration, even when emotions like anger, hurt, or frustration are still a reality in the relationship.

You can transform these challenging discussions into productive conversations by focusing on strategies like active listening, reframing, emotional regulation, and solution-focused conversations.

Here are 4 tips to having difficult conversations with your ex:

1. The Power of Active Listening

Getting caught up in what you want to say during a heated conversation is easy, but true progress only happens when both parties feel heard. Active listening is more than just hearing the words—it’s about understanding the emotions and intentions behind them.

Tips to practice active listening:

• Listen to understand, not to respond. When your ex is speaking, resist the urge to immediately think of your reply or everything they are saying that isn’t true from your perspective. Focus on their words and tone, and look at the big picture, not just the words they use.
• Summarize and validate. After they finish, summarize what you’ve heard to show you understand their perspective. For example, you might say, “It sounds like you’re really frustrated with how we handle the kids’ schedule. Is that right?”
• Ask open-ended questions. Ask questions that encourage your ex to share more if you need clarity. “Can you tell me more about what is bothering you about the current arrangement?”

You lower the emotional temperature by demonstrating that you’re truly listening, even if you disagree. Your ex may feel less defensive and more open to working together when their concerns are acknowledged.

2. Reframing Negative Comments

During a divorce and after, it is common for conversations to devolve into accusations and blame. Reframing is a powerful technique that helps you steer the conversation more constructively by changing how you interpret and respond to negative comments.

This is really effective if the other person has a habit of making statements to derail the conversation or trigger your emotions.

The keys to reframing:

• Recognize the emotion behind the comment. When your ex makes a hurtful remark, try to see the underlying emotion instead of reacting defensively. Are they feeling insecure, angry, hurt, or scared? Understanding this helps you address the root of the issue rather than the surface-level attack.
• Shift the focus to a neutral or positive perspective. Instead of feeding into the negativity, try to frame the comment in a way that opens up space for solutions. For instance, if your ex says, “You never care about how I feel,” you could respond by saying, “I can see you’re feeling hurt right now. Let’s discuss what would make this feel fairer for both of us.”

Another example of reframing might look like this if the other person accuses you of trying to take advantage of the financial settlement. Rather than responding with defensiveness or escalating the argument by throwing around more numbers and options, you might say, “I understand this process can feel unfair. How about we go over the numbers together to feel more comfortable with what’s being proposed?”

Reframing helps de-escalate the situation, allowing you both to approach the conversation from a shared understanding rather than conflict.

3. Regulating Your Own Emotions

One of the hardest parts of dealing with an emotional ex is keeping your emotions in check. Divorce is stressful for everyone involved, but staying calm and grounded can prevent a difficult conversation from spiraling into a full-blown argument.

Some practical ways to control your own emotions include:

• Pause before reacting. If your ex says something that triggers you, take a deep breath and pause. Give yourself a moment to process what’s been said and how you want to respond. This short break can prevent you from saying something in the heat of the moment that you might regret.
• Use “I” statements. If you need to express your feelings, frame them in a way that emphasizes your perspective rather than blaming the other person. For example, “I feel concerned about how our communication is affecting the kids,” is much less likely to trigger defensiveness than, “You’re always making things worse for the kids with your anger.”
• Stay focused on your goals. Remind yourself of the bigger picture—what do you hope to achieve from this conversation? Remembering your goals can help you maintain a level head, even when the conversation gets heated.

4. Focusing on Solutions, Not Problems

One of the easiest ways for conversations to go south is by getting stuck on the problem instead of looking for solutions. When both parties are mired in a blame cycle, it becomes difficult to move forward. Shifting the focus of your discussions to solutions can lead to more collaborative outcomes.

Techniques to create solution-focused conversations:

• Identify common goals. Start by acknowledging shared concerns or goals. For example, “We both want what’s best for the kids” or “We both want to make this process as smooth as possible.” Then, use active listening to hear what the other person has to say about that statement.
• Brainstorm options together. Instead of presenting your ex with a solution, work together to come up with possibilities. This can make them feel more involved and reduce resistance. Ask questions like, “What options do you think would work for both of us?”
• Stay flexible. Be open to compromise. This doesn’t mean giving up on your needs, but being willing to adjust in areas that aren’t dealbreakers can foster creative solutions customized to your needs and those of your kids.

While communication with your ex before, during, and after divorce can be challenging, techniques like active listening, reframing, emotional regulation, and focusing on solutions help to transform conflict into collaboration.

Be the person who chooses to use effective communication techniques to create a better place to have these essential conversations. It will take practice and work, but these strategies and techniques make all the difference in building a healthier relationship as coparents for the sake of the kids and for your emotional health.

Mardi Winder-Adams is a Certified Divorce Transition Coach and a Certified Divorce Specialist (CDS), as well as a Board Certified Executive and Leadership Coach working with entrepreneurs and executives. With over a decade of coaching experience and over 25 years as a credentialed mediator in the United States and Canada, Mardi knows how often women’s voices are not heard in mediation, negotiation, and discussions throughout the legal process.

Through experiencing her own divorce and working with women through the divorce process, Mardi can empathize with the stress, frustration, overwhelm, and challenge of this life-changing event. She is here to support you in getting the right professionals, resources, and processes in place for you to go through divorce confidently and on your own terms.

Divorce is difficult, messy, and sometimes even ugly, but you don’t have to go through it on your own.