Most breakups are unpredictable and painful. We don’t want them, but we have to accept them and get through them. They’re some of the most difficult experiences that test our self-esteem, self-control, breakup knowledge and our ability to learn, grow, and adapt.
Because they’re so difficult, they urge us to do a thorough examination of ourselves and prepare ourselves for the future. For many dumpees, the future involves getting back with their ex. They invest in themselves to maximize their chances of reattracting an ex who lost feelings for them. Although there’s nothing wrong with improving themselves for their ex, the problem is that most dumpers don’t become receptive to dumpees’ changes.
They don’t care whether their exes have changed because they’re detached and have their own things going on. Many of them go out frequently, party, make new friends, or even date. They don’t stand still much because they feel relieved, free, and eager to start a new life that helps them disassociate themselves from the past. If dumpees reach out and try to tell them they’ve learned and grown, they usually get ignored or receive disinterested responses that make them feel unimportant.
They have no choice but to learn how to accept the breakup and avoid doing things that reject them and hinder their recovery process.
So if you’ve been dumped and want to know how to accept a breakup you didn’t want, remember that accepting a breakup is a part of moving on. Once you’ve accepted the breakup, you’ll still have to get over it. This means you’ll experience dozens of ups and downs and be forced to do something about them. Basically, you’ll have to learn how to cope with the breakup blues and regain control of your life.
Luckily, you’re already learning how to do that. Every day you’re not with your ex, you’re investing in your detachment and well-being. If you keep doing things that better your life, you’ll accept the breakup quicker than if you wait and do nothing productive with your life.
To accept a breakup you didn’t want, you must understand that unfortunate things also happen to good people. We can’t control other people’s feelings and actions. All we can do is give it our best and hope that our partner continues to invest back in us. When our partner stops investing and doesn’t see the importance of redeveloping the connection, there’s nothing we can do to change how he or she thinks and feels.
It’s his or her job to value the relationship, express problems, and look for a solution with us or alone.
Always remember that you didn’t deserve to get dumped and hurt. The breakup isn’t your karma for being you (imperfect). If the relationship was good and functional, it’s your ex’s karma for not taking it seriously and doing enough to overcome his or her negative thoughts and feelings. You’re responsible only if your ex tried to express discontent multiple times and you ignored it.
In that case, you took your ex for granted and left your ex no choice but to leave you.
Both parties have to maintain the relationship. Their job is to communicate efficiently and navigate through various personal and relationship challenges. If they fail to do that, they may become susceptible to external factors such as doubt, confusion, temptation, anxiety, depression, and other emotions that can break them up.
So don’t blame yourself for the breakup. Hold your ex accountable as well as doing so will alleviate your guilty conscience and allow you to accept the breakup quicker. It won’t happen immediately, but it will gradually make you stop seeing your ex as a perfect partner and make you less emotional.
One thing dumpees initially struggle with is denial. They refuse to accept the breakup because they’re still attached to their ex and want their ex to change his or her mind. They want their ex to tell them that he or she misses them and wants to get back together. Because they’re in denial and pain, they relive the breakup over and over again and wait for their ex to reach out and apologize for leaving.
They essentially put their ex in charge of their life and let the ghost of their ex decide how they feel and act.
Denial is a part of the healing process. It’s okay to think about the dumper obsessively and believe he or she will come back. Hope eases dumpees’ suffering and gives them time to look for rational explanations for the breakup and solutions to their problems.
It can give dumpees enough strength to see things rationally and accept the breakup. Hope is not so helpful, though when dumpees accept the breakup and need to heal. That’s when it starts working against them as it prevents them from letting go of their ex.
Therefore, bear in mind that you can cling to hope initially if doing so prevents you from losing your sanity. Once you’ve accepted the breakup, however, losing hope must become your top priority. The sooner you lose hope, the sooner you will free yourself and start living your life again.
In this article, we provide insights on how to accept a breakup you didn’t want.
How to accept a breakup you didn’t want?
If you want to accept a breakup you didn’t want, the most important thing you can do is start acting as if you have already accepted it. By acting detached and disinterested, you’ll prove to yourself that you can survive a breakup and live a fulfilling life on top of it. Your actions will slowly encourage you to stop thinking about the good times with your ex and begin to let go of the idea of the relationship you want to have with your ex.
To act as if you’ve accepted the breakup, you must cease behavior that connects you to your ex and gives you hope your ex will come back. And behavior that connects you to your ex the most is communication and bonding. You must basically stop interacting with your ex. Go no contact and demonstrate your resolve to put the breakup behind you.
It won’t be easy to cut your ex off, but you need to be brave. Remember that no contact is the quickest way to stop fantasizing about your ex coming back to you and making you feel important. The point of no contact is to wean off your ex and develop the belief that you’re valuable without your ex.
If you can convince yourself that you matter and don’t need your ex to be happy, you’ll accept the breakup very quickly. In fact, you won’t just accept it; you’ll also get over it as you won’t hold on to your ex and hope that he or she validates you.
External validation won’t be needed because you’ll have internal validation and confidence in yourself.
So start by taking the breakup seriously and stopping all communication. Once you’ve stopped interacting with your ex, convince yourself that you didn’t cause the breakup alone. It takes two to maintain a romantic relationship. It may help if you take a pen and paper and write down as many of your ex’s mistakes and flaws as you can think of. It will serve as a reminder that your ex is just a human and that he or she doesn’t deserve to be on the pedestal you’ve put him/her on.
Make sure to read the list of flaws whenever you have a hard time coping with the breakup. Read it when you’re anxious, nostalgic, scared, obsessed, or in the mood to blame yourself. The sooner you see your ex for the person he or she is, the better it is for you. Seeing things objectively rather than subjectively will ease your separation anxiety and allow you to accept unwanted breakup emotions.
It’s natural to grieve, so don’t suppress your feelings. Instead of suppressing them, acknowledge them and allow yourself to feel them. That way, you’ll process them and have less work to do later.
One way to let your feelings out is to surround yourself with people who listen and support you. Such people understand what you’re going through and wish to help. Rely on them whenever you feel hurt and need to express yourself. If friends are busy or you have no one to talk to, consider seeking professional help.
An experienced mental health expert will lend you an ear, give rational advice, or prescribe medication. He or she will also encourage you to keep your distance from your ex and improve yourself. Don’t spend too much time talking/listening to people who advise you to break no contact and reach out to your ex. Not everyone understands the dangers of reaching out to an ex you emotionally depend on.
If you listen to bad breakup advice, you’ll refuse to accept the breakup, do unreasonable things, and receive unwanted responses from your ex. You can prevent that by learning more about the dynamics of breakups and focusing on yourself rather than your ex. Your recovery has nothing to do with your ex. It has everything to do with how you handle the breakup.
If you work on accepting reality rather than resisting it, you’ll learn to rely on yourself for life necessities and replace your ex with more positive people and things. Speaking of replacing your ex, don’t look for a new romantic partner. You’re not ready to get to know someone on an intimate level. If you try to establish a new emotional bond, you’ll most likely rebound because you’ll expect the new person to be like your ex.
For now, focus on detachment and growth. Invest both in lackings and strengths. Do this daily, and you’ll come out wiser and stronger. You won’t struggle with the breakup because you’ll see that the breakup has helped you reach new heights.
It’s hard to see the positives in a breakup, but work on yourself diligently and you’ll eventually feel like a different person.
Some of the things you can work on today are:
- forgiving your ex and yourself
- pursuing your hobbies and interests
- spending more time with your family and friends
- increasing your self-esteem
- gaining financial and emotional independence
- practicing gratitude
- chanting positive affirmations
- becoming physically active and fit
- gaining new relationship skills
The acceptance of the breakup comes down to your determination to heal and move on. If you’re eager to feel better and be happy, you’ll do what’s needed to take your ex off the pedestal and see your worth. It will take time, but the results will be worth it. When you outgrow yourself and find inner peace, you’ll let go of the past and look forward to a new beginning.
So be patient and work on changing how you think about yourself and your ex. Try to hold your ex responsible for his or her mistakes and forgive yourself for yours. Things will get much easier when you improve your perception of yourself and finally accept the breakup.
Acceptance doesn’t mean getting over the breakup. It means stop trying to resist your ex’s decision and actively change his or her mind. Most dumpees accept the breakup within a couple of weeks.
To properly get over their ex, however, they need months or years. How long they need depends on their self-esteem, attachment/dependence on their ex, the help they get, the things they do in their free time, and the mistakes they make.
I know dumpees who needed years to get over their ex as well as dumpees who needed weeks. Those who needed weeks were partially detached by the time their ex broke up with them. As for those who needed years (which is longer than usual), they were codependent on their ex and/or continued to make mistakes that made them feel rejected.
On average, it takes 8 months to a year to get over a breakup. If you follow the rules of no contact, you’ll recover quicker than someone who keeps pestering the dumper and expecting him or her to have a change of heart.
With that said, here are my tips on how to accept a breakup you didn’t want.
Keep pushing forward
Try to stay positive. Remind yourself that you won’t always feel how you feel today and that you’ll one day look back on this moment and wonder why you worried about your ex and things that didn’t add any value to your life.
I know it’s hard to think about the future when the present is complicated, but do remember that you’re healing as you read this. Every minute spent away from your ex, you detox from your ex a little and become a bit more independent.
You’re probably tired of the breakup and wish to put it all behind you immediately. You don’t want to wait for weeks or months just to sleep and function better. That’s fair and understandable.
However, try to remember that you were deeply in love with your ex and that you must forget about the plans you’d created with your ex. You must get rid of expectations that include your ex and consider yourself the only protagonist in your life. Your ex is no longer a part of your journey. He or she stopped being one as soon as the breakup happened.
Rationally, you may be aware of it, but emotionally, you need more time to accept it. When you finally do, you’ll see that you can be just as happy without your ex. Consider the breakup a test of strength and willpower. The better you resist the temptation to reconnect with your ex, the stronger you’ll become.
When you go a few months without talking to your ex, you’ll start to appreciate your new life. You’ll like the things you’ve managed to accomplish on your own and give your ex way less credit. Slowly but surely, you’ll feel less anxious and dependent on your ex for your happiness and success.
If it makes you feel any better, most dumpees go through a similar experience. They struggle to accept the breakup and get over it because they were hit by a breakup they didn’t want. They had high expectations of their ex and hoped their ex would resolve his or her problems.
But as I’ve mentioned before, you can’t control other people. Their thoughts, beliefs, and feelings are their responsibility. If they choose to neglect themselves and the relationship, there’s nothing you can do to make them try harder.
All you can do is accept the breakup and prepare yourself for a life without your ex. It’s extremely hard to do that at first as every fiber in your body tells you to cling to your ex for validation and support, but it gets easier with time. Eventually, you’ll stop obsessing about your ex and blaming yourself for the demise of the relationship.
That’s when you’ll consider your ex responsible at (least partially) and focus on things you can control.
Rest assured that a day will come when you’re completely over your ex. You won’t think much of it because you’ll have plenty of better things to keep yourself busy with.
Did you learn how to accept a breakup you didn’t want? Would you like to add anything? Feel free to do so in the comments below.
However, if you’d like to work with a breakup coach, check out our coaching options. We provide flexible communication methods to meet your needs.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
