The “Deep Question” Secret
One of the most powerful tools in communication is asking deep questions. What’s a deep question, you ask? Instead of “What do you do?” try, “What made you decide to go into your field?”
These questions tap into values, beliefs, and emotions—the stuff that makes people light up. Research even backs this up. A study known as the Fast Friends Procedure found that asking emotionally rich questions creates powerful connections—even between total strangers.
If you’re ever stuck in a surface-level convo, sprinkle in a deep question. The results might surprise you. 🌟
Helped, Hugged, or Heard? Knowing What You Need
Here’s a genius takeaway that I’m now using daily (thanks, Charles!): When communication feels wonky, ask yourself—or the other person—this magic question: “Do you want to be helped, hugged, or heard?”
It’s so simple, but it’s everything. You’d be amazed at how quickly this clarifies things during emotional communication. Need a problem solved? Say it. Want a hug? Ask for it. Need someone to just listen? Be clear about that, too.
And guess what? Kids, partners, coworkers—everyone can benefit from this. Communication isn’t a one-way street; it’s about tuning into what both people need. That’s how to be a better communicator.
Your Next Step Toward Better Communication
I know how hard it can be when communication in your relationship just isn’t working. Those moments when you’re trying so hard to connect, but it feels like you’re speaking two different languages—they’re exhausting and heartbreaking. I’ve seen so many people struggling with this, and I want you to know you’re not alone.
The good news is that you don’t have to be born a “supercommunicator.” These are skills that you can learn and improve with practice. If you’re thinking “Heck yes! I want to know more!”, check out my free Communication That Connects 2-Part Training. It’s a gentle, step-by-step guide to help you understand what’s really going on beneath the arguments or disconnect, and how to rebuild the trust and emotional safety that can get lost along the way. Together, we’ll explore tools and strategies to stop the cycle of conflict, restore your connection, and start creating a better, more positive chapter for your relationship.
Want more personalized support? Book a free consultation call with me or one of the expert therapists and coaches over here at Growing Self. Whether you’re navigating relationship challenges or simply want to be a better communicator, we’re here to help.
Oh, and don’t forget to follow me on Instagram or YouTube. I’m live every Thursday, diving into topics like this one. Let’s connect—you bring the coffee and your questions; I’ll bring the wisdom. ☕💬
Here’s to connecting more deeply and loving more fully. You’ve got this!
xoxo,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
P.S. Know someone who could use this advice? Maybe a partner, a bestie, or even that coworker who keeps emailing in ALL CAPS? 🙃 Share this article with them! Because better communication makes the world (and your group chats) a much better place. 💖
Resources:
Sprecher, S. (2021). Closeness and other affiliative outcomes generated from the Fast Friends procedure: A comparison with a small-talk task and unstructured self-disclosure and the moderating role of mode of communication. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(5), 1452-1471. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0265407521996055
Gaelick, L., Bodenhausen, G. V., & Wyer, R. S. (1985). Emotional communication in close relationships. Journal of personality and social psychology, 49(5), 1246. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1986-11725-001
McComas, W. F., & Abraham, L. (2004). Asking more effective questions. Rossier School of Education, 1-16. https://www.academia.edu/download/36986080/Asking_Better_Questions.pdf
