Defensiveness is both a feeling and a set of behaviors that happen when we feel like we’re being attacked, usually because of criticism or perceived criticism. Just as you would deflect the blows if someone started hitting your body, when you feel like someone is attacking you emotionally or psychologically, you will defend yourself, almost without thinking about it.
This is not necessarily a bad thing. It’s healthy and normal to defend yourself when you are genuinely being attacked by someone whose intentions are to harm you, or when you’re being unjustly accused of something you didn’t do. But sometimes we get defensive when the other person is trying to solve a problem, or trying to give us good information about how our actions are affecting them. This is when defensiveness becomes an issue in relationships. We need to be open to feedback in order to have healthy relationships. If you can’t do that, the problems in the relationship will only get worse. You’ll feel like you’re having the same fight over and over, and your loving feelings for each other will gradually be replaced by mistrust and resentment.
Examples of Defensive Behavior
There are a few “defensive maneuvers” that we all use when we feel criticized or attacked:
- Minimizing — Saying it’s not that big a deal, or that your partner shouldn’t be so upset about the problem.
- Making excuses — Giving reasons for how you acted rather than taking responsibility.
- Blame shifting — Saying that the other person is responsible for the problem. Or, bringing up a time in the past when they did something that you didn’t like.
- Placating — Going along with what the other person says to end the conflict, with no intention of following through on any changes. This can also be a passive aggressive maneuver.
These defensive reactions can temporarily protect us from the painful feelings, like sadness, guilt, or shame, that can come up when we feel criticized. Unfortunately, when we engage in these behaviors too often, our relationships suffer and we miss out on opportunities to grow.
When your partner gets defensive, it closes off the path to resolving problems in the relationship in a productive way. Over time, the you may lose hope that you can fix the relationship, and that’s when relationships fail.
Why Am I So Defensive?
There may be a solitary monk perched in a Himalayan monastery who has completely transcended his impulse to get defensive. For everybody else, defensiveness happens. But it’s also true that certain factors can make a person more defensive and less open to feedback.
If you grew up with parents who were critical or rejecting, you may feel insecure in your relationship any time your partner is disappointed or unhappy with you. You may have developed negative core beliefs that tell you you’re likely to be abandoned any time you’re less than perfect, which naturally makes you feel like it’s vital to defend yourself against any implications that you could have made a mistake.
If you struggle with low self-esteem or you need a lot of external validation in order to feel good about yourself, that can also make you very sensitive to criticism. Negative feedback from others will feel much more consequential than it really is if you don’t have a strong foundation of self-love to fall back on.
If you think low self-esteem, trouble validating yourself, or difficult childhood experiences are behind your tendency to get defensive, working with a good therapist can help you feel better about yourself and more relaxed when you’re receiving feedback.
How to Deal with a Defensive Partner
If your partner gets defensive during conflict, it can feel like there’s no way to have a constructive conversation without them shutting down. But there are a number of things you can do to improve your communication and reduce the likelihood that your partner will feel like they need to defend themselves. This allows them to hear you, so that you can work through issues productively.
First, always use a “soft startup,” which is just what it sounds like. Initiate difficult conversations gently and at moments when you’re both in a calm mood. If your partner walks through the door and you immediately fly into them with a list of complaints, odds are they will react defensively.
It’s also important to create an emotionally safe environment for important conversations. To do this, lead with your vulnerable feelings — like sadness, disappointment, or anxiety — rather than anger. Anger is a secondary emotion, which means there are always other feelings underneath it that you could express instead. When you lead with anger, your partner will feel a natural impulse to push away from you (through defensiveness), rather than moving toward you to address your hurt feelings.
If despite your best efforts your partner still gets a little defensive, the conversation is not a lost cause. Remain calm and listen to what they have to say, without responding with a defensive reaction of your own. Validate your partner by acknowledging that their perspective and emotions are real — which you can do without sharing the same feelings or perspective. A validating statement like “I hear you, and I can see that this is making you feel frustrated. I think you might be feeling criticized or blamed,” will help your partner calm down, allowing you space to voice your feelings and perspective.
It can be frustrating when you have to spend time helping your partner work through a thick layer of defensiveness when your goal was to talk about something that was bothering you, but think of dealing with a defensive partner effectively as a long-term investment in the quality of your relationship. As your partner begins to feel that your approach to conflict has shifted, conversations will gradually start to trend in a calmer, more positive direction. Your partner will feel more relaxed and better able to respond to you without getting defensive.
Finally, be aware that some of how you’re experienced by others is not within your control. If the root issue is low self-esteem or bad childhood experiences, your partner is likely to continue feeling at least somewhat defensive in conflict, no matter how perfect your approach is. A good individual therapist or couples counselor can help your partner uncover the underlying factors and address them.
How to Stop Being Defensive
The first step in being less defensive is getting familiar with how you feel during conflict. This sounds easy, but it actually takes a lot of self-awareness and emotional intelligence. When your partner says something that feels like an accusation, it’s natural to become emotionally flooded and reactive without really knowing what you’re reacting to. Take a few breaths and notice how you’re feeling before you respond to your partner.
Next, go into listening mode. Imagine that your role in this conversation is simply to understand your partner’s feelings and perspective as clearly as you can. Give them plenty of time to talk, and use active listening skills to reflect back what you hear. Ask clarifying questions (which is different from using questions to poke holes in their argument). Even if you disagree with what they’re saying, validate how they feel. Be as patient as you can — you will get your turn to share once your partner feels heard and validated.
When it’s your turn, don’t defend yourself against what they said, but start by taking responsibility for the part of the problem that is your responsibility. Let them know you care about this and that you want to find a solution. Then you can share your feelings about the situation. Your partner will be in a much better place to hear you without getting defensive now that they’ve been able to tell you how they feel.
Overcoming Defensiveness, Together
Finding ways to overcome a pattern of criticism and defensiveness together can strengthen your relationship in more ways than one. You’ll be better equipped to resolve problems in a way that is peaceful and productive, and you’ll also get the opportunity to understand each other more deeply and to support each other’s growth. That is what truly makes relationships successful.
If you’re interested in doing this valuable work with a couples counselor or relationship coach on our team, I invite you to schedule a free consultation.
With love,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
P.S. — For more advice on helping each other feel seen, heard, and understood, check out our “Communication that Connects” collection of articles and podcasts.
