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The Problem with Overgiving: From Kindness to Self-Sacrifice
While overgiving may initially seem selfless, it’s not synonymous with generosity. In fact, it’s quite self-serving. People who overgive are going to great lengths to avoid being vulnerable. It feels vulnerable to show up as your authentic self and share your true feelings and needs with the people close to you. It can feel safer to overfunction, hide behind perfectionism, or people please everyone to avoid the threat of rejection or abandonment.
Overgivers often believe on a subconscious level that they can make themselves indispensable by being everything to everyone. But this is a transactional way of viewing relationships. Real intimacy is based on authenticity, not on earning credits. And when the over-giver doesn’t get whatever they’re expecting in return, they can feel quite resentful.
Meanwhile, the person on the other end of this dynamic often has no clue why the over-giver has suddenly gone sour. They weren’t aware that there was an agenda behind the generosity, or that they didn’t hold up their end of the bargain.
Cultivating Boundaries and Balance
So how can you break the cycle of overgiving? Here are a few tips to get you started:
- Explore your mindset
Do you believe that “good people” don’t say no? Or that they always prioritize the needs of others? Or that taking care of yourself is selfish?
Unconscious mindsets like these are often at the root of overgiving. Start recognizing them when you hear them rattling around in your head. This is your new narrative: Good people set boundaries, take care of themselves, and show up authentically in their relationships. In fact, you owe it to yourself and the people you care about to tell them the truth about how you feel and what you need.
- Set limits.
Healthy relationships require healthy boundaries. If you have a habit of over-giving, reflect on some areas where you need to start setting limits with yourself and others. Maybe you need to commit to no longer responding to emails outside of work, or no longer picking up the tab on dates. Decide what you would like your limits to be and then practice sticking to them.
- Learn what healthy giving feels like.
You don’t want to completely quash your generous nature, just reign it in. You can find a balance by learning what it feels like to give in a healthy way. When you give from the heart with no expectation of getting something in return, it feels satisfying. When you overgive, you often have a little voice in your head keeping score, whispering things like, “after all I’ve done for him,” or “she should be more appreciative of me.” Healthy giving feels good, not frustrating or draining.
- Prioritize the right relationships.
As you begin to break your habit of overgiving, some of your relationships may start to wither. Maybe that friend stops calling when you are no longer willing to make every conversation about her. Or, maybe you fall out of favor with your boss once you start setting boundaries with them. Changing this dynamic has a way of laying bare what the relationship was actually based on in the first place. Rather than falling back into overgiving, choose to invest more in relationships where your boundaries are met with acceptance and respect.
- Accept the disappointment of others.
Being able to tolerate the disappointment of others is an important part of building self-love. When you can allow people to have their feelings, without trying to control or change them, it’s easier to stop overgiving and start advocating for your own needs.
Support for Healthy Relationships
If you have a pattern of overgiving in relationships, I’m glad you’re here. The couples counselors and individual therapists at Growing Self are healthy relationship specialists, skilled at helping you examine your patterns, unearth their origins, heal old wounds, build your internal resources, and create positive change.
If you’re interested in doing this kind of transformative growth work with a therapist or a coach on my team, I invite you to schedule a free consultation.
With love,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
P.S. — I have a collection of articles and podcasts that you might be interested in on creating healthy relationships. I hope you’ll check it out — it’s all there for you!
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