Losing Yourself in a Relationship: Why It Happens & How to Rebuild Your Identity
Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, BCC
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is a licensed psychologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified coach, AAMFT clinical supervisor, host of the Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast and founder of Growing Self.
Have you ever walked away from a relationship feeling like you don’t even know who you are anymore? Maybe you’ve looked in the mirror post-breakup and thought, Who even is this person? If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone, and no—you’re not being dramatic. There’s actual science behind why losing yourself in a relationship is a very real phenomenon.
In a recent episode of Love, Happiness, and Success, I sat down with the incredible Dr. Morgan Cope, a relationship scientist and assistant professor of psychology, to dive deep into the ways our identities literally shift when we’re in relationships. And the big takeaway? When we lose a relationship, we’re not just mourning our ex—we’re mourning a part of ourselves that was intertwined with them.
Losing Yourself in a Relationship
Dr. Cope shared some fascinating research on how relationships shape our self-concept. When we enter into a romantic partnership, our identities become increasingly intertwined with our partner’s. This process is known as the “inclusion of the other in the self.” Picture a Venn diagram—your sense of self expands to include parts of your partner’s identity, and theirs does the same for you.
But here’s where it gets tricky: If the overlap becomes too much, we risk losing our individuality and falling into codependent relationships instead of interdependent ones. Some people naturally lean toward this fusion more than others, especially those with anxious attachment styles, who may adapt themselves to fit their partner in an effort to maintain closeness. And when the relationship ends? It’s not just about losing the person—it’s about losing a big chunk of the self that was wrapped up in them.
Why Breakups Feel So Devastating
A breakup doesn’t just break your heart—it can feel like it shatters your identity. Dr. Cope’s research has shown that post-breakup, people often feel completely lost, unsure of their likes, dislikes, or even daily routines. It’s why you might find yourself wondering, What do I even do with my weekends now? or Do I even like jazz, or was that just my ex?
On a deeper level, this identity confusion can trigger feelings of depression, anxiety, and even physical symptoms like stomach aches and headaches. Yes, heartbreak actually hurts in a very real, physiological way. It’s your brain’s way of processing social rejection and a bruised self-esteem post-breakup, which, from an evolutionary standpoint, was a pretty big deal for survival.
