If your ex said he would always be there for you, your ex told you what he thought you wanted and needed to hear. His plan was to assure you that he’s not going anywhere and that you can count on him in times of stress, confusion, and uncertainty.
He did this to help you alleviate your pain and feel less alone. At the same time, his reassuring statement also helped him think of himself as a good person who doesn’t ghost exes and make them fend for themselves.
You have to understand that his always being there for you is both a good and a bad thing. If he truly means what he says, he’s willing to talk even about the problems created by the breakup. This includes closure conversations and talks about supporting you emotionally whenever you’re struggling to cope with the breakup.
The bad thing about always being there for you, though, is that you could get friend-zoned and become too dependent on your ex to get through the breakup. The guy could become your savior in your eyes and reach out whenever he wants to talk about random things.
That would confuse you, give you hope, and make your post-breakup life extremely difficult.
You need to avoid letting him always be there for you as you don’t always need him. 99.99% of the time, you’re better off on your own and should be dealing with post-breakup blues without him. Doing so will help you detach, become emotionally stronger, and encourage you to forget about your ex in the quickest possible time.
So even though your ex said he’d always be there for you, remember that you don’t need him to be too available and super eager to converse. You need the guy to understand your priorities and leave you alone unless you’re struggling and need answers.
Now that you’re single and in pain, your job is to learn to live without your ex. You need to rely on yourself and others for help and slowly prepare yourself for a new romantic connection. You won’t succeed at that if your ex is lingering in the background and telling you that you’re friends or best friends.
Friendship will keep your ex close but not as close as you’d like him to be. It will keep you obsessed with your ex and prevent you from letting go.
Yes, your ex can help by being there for you, but your ex can’t be there all the time (not now or in the future). The breakup requires you to disconnect from your ex and find your own strength and purpose outside of the relationship.
If you cling to your ex for dear life, you could over-rely on your ex, overwhelm your ex, and make your future relationships unnecessarily difficult.
That’s why you need to think and act smart now that things are still new and under your control. Look for ways to distance yourself from your ex emotionally rather than trying to cut the distance.
You should do this regardless of whether you want your ex back as talking to your ex won’t make your ex realize what he lost. It will make him see that he got rid of a codependent person and that he doesn’t regret leaving at all.
So if you want to know what it means when your ex says he will always be there for you, it means that your ex felt your pain and made an oath. He promised to be your friend and be there for you when you’re going through tough times.
He probably didn’t fully understand how the breakup affected you. But because he wanted to be on good terms with you, he did say he’d help you with other problems that have nothing to do with the breakup. Ironically, other problems probably won’t be as difficult to deal with as the breakup itself.
You’ll be able to handle them on your own or with the help of others just fine.
So the real question is, why would you need him to always be there for you when all you need him is to treat you with respect and explain why he initiated the breakup?
He’s the dumper, so if anyone can help you understand things and make you feel better now that he’s hurt you, it’s him.
He can give you closure and show you empathy and care. Those are the things you need. You don’t need him to talk to you about work, movies, and things that aren’t related to the breakup. That’s what your friends and family are for.
And your ex isn’t either of them. Your ex is someone who was supposed to stay with you and physically be there for you. Since he isn’t around anymore, you must get rid of the notion that he’ll always be there for you.
Whether he means what he says or just wants you to feel better to stop making him feel guilty, he probably won’t always be there for you.
Most exes don’t because life goes on without them. Dumpees and dumpers move forward with their lives and meet people they actually care about and commit to. Those are the people they’re willing to be there for, not their exes.
In this post, we discuss why your ex said he will always be there for you. We also explain how you should interpret his niceness and respond to it.
My ex said he will always be there for me after the breakup
First of all, did your ex mean what he said? Did he really plan on always being there for you?
This depends on his personality, feelings, morality, and your behavior (if you looked hurt and guilt-tripped him).
If he just wanted to make you feel better and feel less guilty himself (get you off his back), he probably just told you what you wanted to hear. He reassured you that everything would be okay and by doing so, eased your anxious mind and ensured his safety. The guy wanted you to feel okay in that particular moment because he felt bad for leaving you.
But if he kept reaching out, initiating conversations, and offering to help after the breakup, then he probably meant what he said. His actions proved that he wanted to stay in your life and support you while you were brokenhearted and be there for you even after you’ve healed.
If you’re ever in a dilemma about an ex-bofriend’s intentions, don’t look at his words. Look at his actions as they’ll tell you how he feels about you and what he expects from you. His actions over a few weeks will show you if he wants to keep you around permanently as a friend or temporarily just to clear his conscience.
Bear in mind that most dumpers who say they’ll always be there for their ex don’t actually mean that. They say it only because they feel guilty/emotional. But the moment they stop being affected by the breakup (feeling bad), they quickly forget their promises and go back to enjoying their space and freedom.
Such dumpers are emotion-driven and don’t care about their ex as much as they make it seem. They care only because and when they hate seeing their ex hurt and feeling responsible for their ex’s pain.
So if your ex said he will always be there for you, take your ex’s assurance with a pinch of salt. “Always” is a big word and might not mean what you think it does.
Many dumpers use the word “always” but mean something completely different. They want to convey the message that they’ll always care about their ex and remember him or her.
They do this because they want their ex to know they have his or her back in case something bad happens. Something like falling off a bicycle and breaking an arm. Such dumpers wouldn’t mind if their ex reached out to them and sought emotional support.
But when it comes to talking about the breakup and the mistakes they’ve made (things dumpees actually need to talk about), they don’t want to be a part of the conversation at all. Such topics remind them of the past and force them to look for solutions they’d rather not spend their time and energy on.
Dumpers despise relationship and breakup conversations for several reasons.
- They remind them they were unhappy.
- They put expectations on them.
- They make them invest time and energy they don’t have.
Because such conversations overwhelm your ex, you should keep in mind that your ex probably doesn’t want to talk about things you want to talk about. Your ex probably just wants to help you now that he feels bad.
Or perhaps he only wants to make it seem like he has your best interests at heart so you don’t panic and hurt yourself and him.
In any case, you’ll find out whether your ex is trying to be there for you soon. You probably won’t need longer than a week to see how willing your ex is to give you closure and help you deal with your inner demons.
If he doesn’t respond, takes forever to respond, or never reaches out, you can be certain he told you a bunch of nice things just to appear nice and caring. By presenting himself as a supportive individual, he made you feel cared for and respected and coaxed you into accepting the breakup and not making his life any more difficult.
That being said, here’s why your ex said he will always be there for you.
People can’t guarantee that they’ll always be there for their friends, let alone their exes. Something or someone could (and often does) change their thoughts and feelings and make them go back on their promises.
Some of the things that could make dumpers forget their promise to always be there for their exes are:
- new partners, friends, and social life
- post-breakup relief or suffocation
- a busy lifestyle
- a change in mentality/morality
“Always” and “never” are two exaggerations people in relationships and breakups should avoid using. They must avoid saying “always” to not give their ex hope and “never” to avoid hurting their ex.
For example, “I’ll always love you” and “You never listen to me.”
Since dumpers can’t predict the future, they shouldn’t make promises they can’t and probably won’t keep. Instead, they should treat the breakup as the definite end. That’s how they can help their ex accept the breakup and lower his or her expectations.
As for you, you should keep in mind that not many exes stay in touch, let alone be there for each other. Most of them don’t talk, talk once in a blue moon, or eventually fall out of touch.
By understanding what to expect and how to act, you can keep your hopes low and find alternative ways to deal with the breakup and the problems you encounter months or years after the breakup.
What should you do when your ex says he’ll always be there for you?
The first thing you should do is remember that your ex is responding to the breakup and your emotions and that how he thinks, feels, and acts after the breakup may not match his promises. Instead of helping you feel better now and later, he may immediately start dating someone else and show no sympathy toward your suffering.
That would force you to open your eyes and see that your ex isn’t really there for you. He broke up with you for himself and will, therefore, look after his own needs and interests. Interests that could hurt you if you still have feelings for your ex.
So don’t be too naive—and keep in mind that many dumpers say positive things like that to soften the blow. They don’t want to hurt you, but they also don’t want you to hurt them by refusing to accept the separation and exuding pain.
They want to go their separate ways as quickly and peacefully as possible. And the quickest way for them to do that is to downplay the breakup and exaggerate your importance in their life.
If you understand that a breakup is a breakup and that your ex is looking for or has already found a new person to be there for and with, you can stop seeing your ex as someone who can help you and begin to rely on yourself for love and healing.
The sooner you do that, the quicker you’ll recover and the better you’ll feel.
When your ex says that he’ll always be there for you, say you appreciate his willingness to help but that you’re not ready for friendship and that you want to be on your own. That will tell him you’re emotionally independent and that you don’t want him to always be there for you.
You already have loyal friends and family and will eventually meet someone who will actually be there for you in ways you want him to be there (as a partner).
Why do you think your ex said he’ll always be there for you? What do you make of your ex’s behavior? Share your views in the comments section below. We’ll respond shortly.
And if you’re looking for advice on relationships and breakups, visit our coaching page to send us an email or book a time with us.
