Navigating Pregnancy as a Team

Having a baby is one of the most beautiful experiences any of us can have. It’s also a huge responsibility, and many pregnant couples need support keeping their relationships healthy and strong. 

Just as it’s wise for engaged couples to get some premarital support from a couples counselor, it is wise for pregnant couples to begin actively working on their relationships as they’re preparing to build a family. 

The physical and emotional changes that come with pregnancy can be difficult for both partners, and the arrival of a baby can completely change your relationship. Sleepless nights, endless diaper changes, and the nonstop demands of a helpless newborn make it challenging to prioritize relationship growth work, right when you need it the most.

Relationship problems after having a baby are common. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Pregnant couples can use the training ground of pregnancy and childbirth to prepare to become an unstoppable team, ready to raise some happy, healthy humans while keeping their relationships strong. 

This article will help you do that. If you’d prefer to listen, I’ve also recorded an episode of the Love, Happiness and Success podcast on this topic. You can listen here (player below) or on Apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Important Conversations for Pregnant Couples

If you are expecting, it’s time to begin exploring the mindsets, attitudes, and expectations that you and your partner are bringing into parenthood. If that sounds challenging, now is the time to work on the communication problems in your relationship. Pregnancy and parenting are tough, and without good communication, the experience is likely to pull you apart. 

Most people without kids aren’t aware of the expectations they’re carrying into parenting, until they’ve partnered with someone whose expectations differ from their own and it creates friction in the relationship. 

To start, talk about how you grew up, and what aspects of your parents’ approach you would like to carry forward into your own family, and which you would like to leave behind. You can also learn about frameworks like gentle parenting and attachment parenting, and talk about what tools you like. The goal is not to reach perfect agreement, but to understand each other better and build a foundation for resolving differences in the future. 

It’s also important to talk about how you’re working together as a team. Teamwork is an important part of every relationship, but it becomes crucial when you’re preparing for fatherhood or motherhood. Does your relationship feel egalitarian as it is now? Or does one of you feel unfairly overburdened? Starting that conversation now will help you prevent unnecessary resentment and conflict in the future.

Advice for Pregnant Couples: Know what to Expect

There’s a lot of advice available for new parents, but here’s what no one tells you: You can’t ever really prepare for parenthood. As a parent of two, I can tell you that having a baby will throw some unexpected challenges at you. The best you can do is navigate them as they come, and have compassion for yourself and for your partner in the process. 

But setting reasonable expectations for your relationship is important. When new parents have unrealistic expectations of themselves and their partners, having a baby becomes even more of a stress fest than it needs to be. 

If you are ready to have a baby, here are a few things that you should expect:

1. Expect to feel challenged 

Pregnancy comes with stress, hormonal changes, periods of illness and “downtime,” and in some cases fertility challenges and pregnancy loss. Once baby arrives, you can expect to feel challenged by the adjustment, while getting less sleep than you need to feel your best.

Emotions will be running high — do you have a good system in your relationship for resolving problems together? Or does every difficult conversation seem to turn into a nasty fight? If the latter sounds like your relationship, that is okay. But it is time to start addressing the issue. 

2. Expect to need support

I work with many independent, hardworking people who’ve accomplished a lot in their careers and personal lives. They often expect that having kids will be one more thing they can do on their own — but that is not the case. 

Every parent needs emotional and practical support, whether it’s from friends, family members, a couples counselor, a nanny, or each other. To parent without losing your mind, you should start identifying your support system now. 

3. Expect your relationship to change

Your relationship will change in ways that you can’t fully anticipate. It might be that dealing with your difficult in-laws goes from feeling like a mild irritation to an emergency. Or that your relationship starts to feel unequal and out of balance with a baby in the picture. 

The ways you connect with each other will change as well. If your love language is doing fun things together, that is about to become more difficult, and you may feel less satisfied and connected to your partner for a while as you adjust. 

Positive Relationship Changes after Having a Baby

But not all of the news is bad! Having a baby together can change your relationship in some positive ways, especially if you invest in your relationship proactively and continue to grow together. 

Here are some ways that having a baby can change your relationship for the better:

1. Increased commitment

If you’re having a baby, I hope that your commitment to each other is already strong. But it is likely to become even stronger through this experience. You will have newfound empathy, compassion, and appreciation for your partner as you work together toward the most important shared goal of your lives: raising happy, healthy kids in a loving, supportive home. 

2. Opportunities to grow together

The dirty secret of personal growth is that it doesn’t happen when we are comfy. We experience the most significant personal growth spurts when we are challenged, and nothing will challenge you like becoming a parent. 

When you face that challenge together, you will find opportunities to grow in your relationship and create a greater sense of shared meaning and purpose. 

3. Greater emotional intimacy

You will both need emotional support along the journey of parenthood. When you find ways to give that support to each other, you create a stronger, deeper connection and nurture your relationship after having kids.  

Support for Building Your Family

Becoming parents gives you an opportunity to work on your relationship in meaningful ways. 

When you strengthen your relationship with your partner, you are strengthening your family. That is a legacy that will outlive you both, and the greatest gift you could give your children. If you would like support on this journey from a marriage and family therapist on my team, I invite you to schedule a free consultation. 

With love, 

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

P.S. — For more help and support with relationships and parenthood, check out my “Happy Families” collection of articles and podcasts.

Music in this episode is by Jook with their song “Growing Together.” You can support them and their work by visiting their Bandcamp page here: https://shop.jookington.com/.  Under the circumstance of use of music, each portion of used music within this current episode fits under Section 107 of the Copyright Act, i.e., Fair Use. Please refer to copyright.gov if further questions are prompted.

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