My friends, I have hit a new record.
I officially went through a whole new love cycle in 2 dates. He came in and out of my life so quickly I didn’t even really have the time to tell you about him.
Dark hair, dark eyes, cute, not too tall but a little bit taller than I am, French, confident or (as I later discovered) cocky.
That’s new (lol).
How he described himself: very normal.
Normal is good, right?
I met him a year and a half ago, I ended up briefly dating his friend (he was in my blog right two summers ago right before I went back to my ex if you’ve been following). His friend was lovely to me, he put considerable amounts of efforts into asking me out on multiple dates, however, he was simply not my person.
My new Frenchie and I, on the other hand, met various times but he never seemed like he fancied me in the least bit.
I put my crush away until three weeks ago when I ended up sitting next to him at the pub.
I had actually gone to the pub excited to see another one of his friends whom, in hindsight, would have been a much better choice.
Without realizing he was hitting on me, I sat next to him and we talked about our dreams, about wine, about life. He suggested we all go to his house for a glass of wine. My friend and I ended up following him home — coincidentally one street away from my own.
She kept insisting she should leave as he had planned this to hit on me and I kept whispering to her that it just wasn’t true, that he had invited us as friends.
As soon as she left, he kissed me.
Right then, she was right.
Quite frankly, it was an amazing evening, he asked me to stay over, he was incredibly sweet and I felt a little bit smitten but also in a way connection wasn’t fully there.
I begun thinking that perhaps the fact that I wasn’t head over heels for him might actually be a good thing.
That said, it might have something to do with the fact that my brain was on a loop with this message:
One of your best friends told you that he sleeps around, that he picks up women in bars and that’s exactly what happened with the two of you, so anything that happens tonight means nothing.
Do not — I repeat, DO NOT — get attached.’
I tried my very best not to believe it meant anything, I tried not to hope it was the start of something, I tried so hard not to wonder off in my dream world, to keep my pink lenses off and to be fully grounded in reality, perhaps to a cynical extent.
He will never call you again — my brain kept shouting as his lips were on mine.
To be honest, J scarred me. I thought it was going to be special, I believed every word he said. I hoped he’d be the wonderful man I thought he’d be. He hurt me.
So did everyone else before him.
I always try not to inflict previous trauma on the latest man in my life but J hurt me so much and it took me by surprise, hence I was scared for my own heart. I was not prepared for it to end up, once again, under the bus.
Knowing this guy was good looking, smart enough and put together (also in the group of my good guy friends who sleep with any model they meet) I couldn’t help re-living my previous love traumas in my own head.
You look like a great couple. Take it slow.
My best guy friend wrote me before leaving the pub that evening. I assured him that we were just talking as friends which is when he knew this would go south quickly.
Here we were, my songs playing in the background, the two of us on the couch, under a blanket, his hands everywhere and me stopping him from making any move going much further than heavy petting.
I knew I shouldn’t have slept with him.
I knew but I was so tired my boundaries, after my second attempt at upholding my Catholic schoolgirl facade, my walls collapsed.
He pitched a pajama party promising nothing would happen, and the rest is history.
Throughout the whole night one part of his body was touching mine. After two and a half years with a man you literally could not go near before after touching the bed, this felt like sitting on a little cloud of happiness to me.
When I left his place he asked for my number in the sweetest way.
Okay.
I then took off for three weeks and I was in fact so exhausted from work that I ended up in the hospital and later on with a concussion. I didn’t tell him, not to sound like a grandma.
He texted enough to keep me hooked, asked me out a few times but I was away. Finally he pitched a Sunday lunch when I was back.
That’s nice, I thought, he wants to actually get to know me.
Trying to calm down my excited part that was screaming ‘yayyyyyyyy perhaps this time it will be good!!’
I didn’t even know if I liked this guy!
Chill, just chill.
After checking in to see if we were on for lunch on Sunday a few times, he changed the plan to a tennis match. I couldn’t say yes the week after a concussion. He moved our date from a lunch on Sunday to drinks, at his place, on Sunday evening.
I was so disappointed I almost cancelled.
I was so angry. How rude and inconsiderate.
However, trying do give him the benefit of the doubt, I went.
It turned out amazing.
Hours of wonderful conversation without so much as a kiss, two adults getting to know each other.
Then the terrible question I get from any man I date at some point in time came up:
I feel like you’re doing amazing, you’re smart and accomplished and you come from an amazing family — I’m a really normal guy, why do you even like me?
Shit.
Every time I get this question typically things start going really bad. I didn’t know what to reply, especially since I didn’t know yet — it was our first official date.
I begun telling him all about my very normal life and friends.
What are you looking for? He asked.
I went in super light trying not to scare him off — to have someone to share life with.
I want a family and kids. I don’t want to miss out on this opportunity in life — he replied.
Perfect alignment.
Perhaps he wasn’t a f*ck boy after all.
Oh shit. Now I was interested.
After a cute order-in sushi dinner I went by the window with him showing me all the little things he had done around the house since I was last there and with the most romantic playlist in the background, my favorite song, ‘At last’ by Etta James, blasting in the living room, he kissed me.
A sweet, passionate, romantic kiss.
Quite perfect actually.
With my hand in his he led me downstairs to his room. He sweetly removed my clothes as I undressed him.
His hands lifting me up onto the bed. Kissing me the whole time and with my favorite song still on I thought ‘it’s either a sign or I vouch to forget this moment, he will not be f*ing up my favorite song’.
We made love a number of times and fell asleep hand in hand.
We woke up Monday morning and made love again.
Everything felt perfect.
Grabbing each others clothes and getting ready for our Monday together.
Neighbors.
Yes.
I left with a kiss and went home feeling safe, feeling serene, feeling like perhaps something special had ignited the first spark into my life.
Knowing I’d have to fly off to Pisa I sent him a cute message asking him to dinner on Tuesday evening. He sent a cute message back saying he had team drinks.
The next day he texts to ask if I’m around on Sunday. Sweet.
I am, what are you thinking? I reply.
Hello from Saturday my friends.
Absolutely no reply ever since Wednesday.
What is wrong with people??
At this point I can’t help but wonder: what is wrong with single people these days?
Why would you write me to ask me out to then just ghost me? Why? Like what is the rationale behind it?
We cannot change others but we can look at reality for what it is and decide how we act.
It’s time I make some proper changes in my life.
I saw a Matthew Hussey interview where he says:
‘We were given a human at birth and we were told here we go, this is your human. You only get one. Take care of it.’
Here I am, with my human: myself.
What are we really looking for from a partner?
When I was alone in the Dominican Republic, right after I left the hospital, walking alone on a long white beach I asked myself: what is it that I feel I need so much from a relationship?
The first words that came to mind were safety, protection, true care.
It’s time I stop trying to outsource them.
I need to protect myself, to feel financially and physically safe on my own, and to truly love myself a little bit more with small and big words and actions.
And it has to start now.
I need to set boundaries:
- I will protect my peace of mind. Anything that feels destabilizing or that is clouding my judgment and positive mindset (or in any way making my life feel less wonderful) has got to go. I cannot give it space inside my world. It actually rationally makes no sense to do so.
- I will take some time off to recover physically and also to recover mentally. Only then can I analyze my business model and change life to become more financially viable and to feel safer and more rewarded for all the hard work that I do.
- I will stop giving second chances. It just never works. People show you who they are right up front.
- I will not date someone who does not prioritize getting to know me or who makes me feel like I cannot communicate openly or express how I feel in a healthy way.
- Uncertainty is a certainty that it isn’t right.
- I will not accept nor justify any type of disrespect.
I want to be with someone who is so excited to get to know me, someone who loves to take care of me, someone who never makes me feel like an option, rather like the person they have been looking for all along.
Don’t tell me about wanting to get married if you’re not capable of actually exploring getting to know each other.
Don’t give me more bs.
I’ve heard it all and I’ve had enough.
Don’t engage with me if you have FOMO and feel the need to go out there and look for someone else. I don’t want you.
Stop asking why I chose you and start showing me why I should.
I would never want someone I’m dating to feel sad or upset or ignored nor disrespected and I ask the same back.
My boundary will fall right there.
I will not take any disrespect. I will not welcome uncertainty. I will not fall for love bombing. I will not take any future talk without action into consideration. No more empty words, no more shitty people.
I deserve better, I deserve so much more than this.
Redesigning the next chapter in life
My therapist clearly told me it’s important to focus six months to change my whole life.
You need six months in which you decide to make the changes you need, to heal and to truly get exactly what you want.
Okay. Let’s do it. And it must start from me changing because what I’ve been doing this far only got me into complicated and finite relationships.
I will refocus my energy onto better things, better people, better projects.
Just as I though this was it and my head was swimming through scenarios of him having passed away, met someone else, heard something untrue about me, he resurrected from the land of the dead at 2pm on the Sunday.
Hello! So sorry I didnt reply it was a bit crazy this week, drinks were good thanks
I’m around this afternoon so let me know what works for you!
Hey — already made plans (text carefully redacted by my wonderful brother), I replied.
Ah ok — really sorry again I hope you have a good day
And just like that, for the first time in a long time, I protected myself.
Here’s the thing, my friends, I promise to truly hold myself a little bit tighter, treat myself a little bit better and prove to my whole being that I can be exactly who I am, a good person, kind, who helps others, who materializes the coolest business and projects, and who attracts the love she vehemently tries to give everyone else.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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The post No More BS, Buddy appeared first on The Good Men Project.
