Protecting your peace during the holidays could be the difference between enjoyment and relaxation, and unnecessary stress, anger and resentment. Let me explain.
It’s 10:47pm on a Tuesday and your phone lights up. Another text from your ex about Christmas morning logistics. You know you should be asleep—you have an early meeting tomorrow—but now you’re wide awake, heart racing, trying to figure out how to respond without starting World War III. Sound familiar?
The holidays are complicated enough without adding divorce or separation to the mix. Between coordinating schedules, managing family expectations, and trying to make everything feel normal for the kids, it’s exhausting. And somehow, you’re supposed to do all of this while maintaining peaceful communication with someone you’re literally divorcing.
Here’s what nobody tells you: the reason it feels so hard isn’t because you’re doing it wrong. It’s because you probably haven’t set the boundaries you actually need.
Why setting boundaries is the key to protecting your peace
I get it. The word “boundaries” sounds great in theory, but in practice? It feels selfish. Mean, even. Especially during the holidays when you’re supposed to be flexible and accommodating and focused on the kids.
Plus, you might be worried that setting boundaries will make you look uncooperative in court. Or that your ex will retaliate by making things harder. Or that your kids will be upset if you can’t pull off the perfect blended-family holiday they’re hoping for.
So instead, you say yes when you mean no. You respond to texts at all hours. You accommodate last-minute schedule changes. You attend joint family events that leave you feeling hollowed out. And you tell yourself you’re doing it for the kids.
But here’s the thing: running yourself into the ground doesn’t help your kids. They need a parent who has something left in the tank, not someone who’s so depleted from managing everyone else’s needs that there’s nothing left for them.
What Boundaries Actually Look Like
Boundaries aren’t about being rigid or punishing your ex. They’re just clear expectations about how you’ll interact. For example:
You might decide that non-emergency communication happens only during business hours. That means when your ex texts at 11pm about what time to drop the kids off for Christmas, you don’t respond until morning. Not because you’re trying to be difficult, but because you’re protecting your sleep and your sanity.
Or maybe you’re clear that you’re following the parenting plan you both agreed to. When your ex suggests swapping weekends at the last minute or asks for “just one more family Christmas together,” you get to say, “That doesn’t work for me. Let’s stick to what we agreed on.”
You might tell your family that you won’t be at joint holiday gatherings this year. Yes, it will disappoint some people. Yes, your kids might push back. But attending events where you have to perform the role of “amicable exes” when you’re barely keeping it together isn’t sustainable.
The specifics will look different for everyone. What matters is that your boundaries actually protect something you need—whether that’s your time, your emotional energy, your financial security, or your ability to create new traditions.
How to Actually Enforce Them
Setting a boundary is the easy part. It’s the following through that trips people up.
Let’s say you’ve decided you’re only responding to co-parenting texts during the day. You’ve communicated this clearly. And then at 10pm, your ex sends a message about holiday gift coordination.
What do you do?
If you respond “just this once” because you don’t want to seem difficult, you’ve just taught your ex that the boundary is negotiable. They’ll keep testing it because it works.
But if you don’t respond until morning, they learn that you meant what you said. It might be uncomfortable at first. They might accuse you of being inflexible or uncaring. They might escalate to try to get the response they want.
This is where it gets hard. Because when someone pushes back on your boundary, it’s tempting to question whether you were being reasonable in the first place. Maybe you should just be more flexible. Maybe you’re making things harder than they need to be.
You’re not. Boundaries feel uncomfortable because they’re new, not because they’re wrong.
The Thing About Holiday Conflict
One of the biggest fears people have about setting boundaries is that it will create conflict. And sometimes, it does. Your ex might get angry. Extended family might take sides. Your kids might be confused about why things feel different this year.
But consider the alternative. What happens when you don’t set boundaries?
You end up resentful, exhausted, and increasingly unable to show up as the parent you want to be. The conflict doesn’t go away—it just moves inward, eroding your wellbeing from the inside out. And eventually, you’ll hit a breaking point anyway, except now you’re doing it from a place of depletion rather than intention.
Short-term discomfort from setting a boundary beats long-term resentment from not having one.
The Scripts You Actually Need
Knowing you should set boundaries is one thing. Knowing what to say in the moment is another entirely.
What do you say when your ex texts at midnight about Christmas Eve plans? When they try to guilt you into attending a family event? When they involve the kids in adult decisions? When they criticize how you’re handling the holidays?
Having a few prepared responses can make all the difference between holding your ground and caving under pressure. Something as simple as “I’ll respond to this tomorrow during business hours” or “That doesn’t work for me” or “Let’s keep the kids out of this conversation” can be exactly what you need.
The key is saying it calmly, clearly, and then actually following through. No justifying, no arguing, no explaining why you deserve to have this boundary. Just the boundary itself.
The Boundary You Probably Haven’t Considered
There’s one more boundary that matters just as much as the ones you set with your ex, and that’s the boundary you set with yourself.
Permission to let go of traditions that no longer work. To feel sad about how things have changed. To create a simpler, quieter holiday because that’s what you actually have capacity for right now. To not have all the answers or know exactly how to navigate this.
You’re going through a divorce during the holidays. That’s legitimately hard. You don’t have to pretend otherwise or push yourself to make everything perfect.
Getting the Support You Need
If you’re reading this and thinking “okay, but how do I actually do this with my specific situation?”—that’s where coaching comes in.
Because the truth is, every divorce is different. The communication style that works with one ex won’t work with another. The boundaries that feel essential to you might be different from what someone else needs. And sometimes you need help figuring out what you’re actually trying to protect and how to communicate it in a way that sticks.
That’s exactly what Liesel does in divorce coaching. She helps you work through the specifics of your situation, develop communication strategies that actually fit your reality, and practice the hard conversations before you have to have them for real.
It’s not therapy, and it’s not legal advice. It’s practical, tactical support for navigating the day-to-day communication challenges that make divorce so exhausting.
If you’re dreading the next few weeks, if you’re tired of feeling reactive and overwhelmed, if you want to walk into the holidays with an actual plan instead of just hoping for the best, schedule a session with our divorce coach.
You don’t have to have it all figured out. You just need someone in your corner who gets it and can help you develop the clarity and confidence to handle whatever comes up.
The holidays are coming whether you’re ready or not. But with the right boundaries and support, you might actually get through them with your peace intact.
Like this article? Check out “Life’s Not Fair. That Includes Your Divorce”
