Relationships are at the heart of our lives, whether it’s the bond between siblings, the ties of family, the camaraderie of friends and colleagues, or the intricate connections with partners and loved ones. Even fleeting interactions with strangers on the street contribute to the fabric of our social existence.
There’s no shortage of advice on how to nurture and repair relationships, particularly romantic ones. Counsellors, self-help books and experts all offer valuable guidance.
However, I firmly believe that lived experience is the most profound teacher. No amount of theory, be it about business, career, or personal connections, can truly substitute for what we learn through living and loving.
After decades of navigating life’s twists and turns, and sharing more than fifty years with my partner and husband, I’ve formed and maintained countless relationships with people who’ve crossed my path.
Drawing on these rich experiences, I’d like to share my perspective on relationships, gleaned not just from the past, but from my ongoing journey today, and what I have learnt.
During my childhood, I lacked the security of a loving family environment and a stable home. Instead, I spent my formative years in a convent boarding school under the care of nuns. The 1950s in post-war India were a unique period, and for elite families, sending children to such institutions was considered the hallmark of a good upbringing. My parents, adhering to societal expectations, entrusted my education to the nuns in the belief that it was the best path for me.
This separation from my family left me feeling isolated and yearning for connection.
Over time, however, I developed special bonds at the convent. Sister Bernardine became a pillar of support for me, offering comfort and guidance, especially when I struggled with challenging subjects like Algebra and Geometry. Although she showed little leniency in excusing me from these classes, despite my preference for English Literature and a deep love for Shakespeare, her support was unwavering.
True friendships were hard to come by. Many of the other girls were more interested in the lollies, tuckshop treats, and generous amounts of rupees I received from my parents when I happened to be in their good graces.
Their affections often felt transactional rather than genuine. Amidst this, Rani stood out as a true friend. I leaned on her for guidance as I navigated the confusing process of growing up. When I reached puberty at thirteen, I was completely unprepared for the changes I was experiencing.
Embarrassed and intimidated by the thought of approaching my mother, whose life revolved around the social circles of high society as the wife of an Air Marshal closely tied to President Sukarno and founder of Garuda Airlines, I turned to Rani. Although the details she shared were muddled and not entirely accurate, it was the only source of information I had about womanhood and where babies come from.
In many ways, the absence of family closeness forced me to seek out meaningful connections elsewhere. The warmth I found in Sister Bernardine’s and Rani’s companionship provided me with solace, support, and a sense of belonging during an otherwise lonely chapter of my life.
Being eight and nine years older than my brother and sister, I only met them during short visits home from boarding school. I was ten years old the first time, and over the next decade, I saw them perhaps five more times before finishing school at seventeen. In truth, our relationship during those years felt more like distant cousins than siblings.
Adulthood brought a gradual change. We began to build a relationship, and I got to know them beyond those fleeting childhood encounters. They responded with warmth, but not with the deep sibling affection that they shared with each other, having grown up side by side.
Now, my sister faces the relentless progression of Alzheimer’s disease. Paradoxically, it’s through this cruel illness that I’ve found myself drawing closer to her, forming a bond in the face of adversity.
Life has a strange way of leading us to connections we never expected.
My brother, a reserved soul, continues to live in India. While the distance keeps us apart, his children, my niece and nephew, live near me in Sydney. Our relationship is close and deeply meaningful; they truly feel like my own. Ronan, in fact, is like a third son to me, and Lisha, my only “daughter”,holds a special place in my heart as the sole girl amidst my family of two sons, five grandsons, and ten nephews!
Ultimately, family bonds don’t always take the shape we expect or desire. Sometimes, relationships form not by our choosing, but as life ordains them, weaving connections in ways we could never foresee.
As I ventured out from my childhood into the bustling city of Bombay, shaping my own perspectives on life, people, and the intricacies of love, I now realise how much my past conditioning influenced me. Most relationship counsellors would agree, and I know from my own experience that this holds true even today.
When I became a mother, I discovered that nurturing didn’t come naturally to me, despite loving my sons deeply, I sometimes wondered if I gave them the care and warmth they deserved.
Not having experienced that kind of nurturing myself, I often questioned whether I did enough for them. Yet, my sons have grown into strong, successful men with loving families of their own. Still, I can’t help but wonder: did I do alright? Could I have done better?
Over time, friends have come and gone as our paths diverged or we moved across states and countries. Now, I have two close girlfriends, while the rest remain acquaintances.
My friendships mean much more to me than simply catching up over a coffee or lunch. With my two closest friends, our bond runs deeper, we’re there for each other at any hour, day or night, no questions asked and never any judgement. For over fifty years, these relationships have become even closer than family to me.
Having spent most of my career working for myself, I didn’t have traditional colleagues like bosses or workmates. Instead, I built lasting connections with my staff, students, and clients. Even though I was technically ‘the boss’, I always saw my staff and students as a little family of my own. That longing for connection shaped our workplace and created a win-win environment for all involved, enriching both my life and theirs.
When it comes to romance, I had what you might call suitors in those days.
Through the ups and downs, I learned the bittersweet lesson of first love, the heartbreak that shapes us early on. Suitors came and went, until, by some stroke of luck, I met the person who would become my true-life partner while I was still young.
Instantly, I knew it was right, perhaps the Universe was making up for things I’d missed out on earlier in life.
He became everything to me: a brother, sister, friend, lover, and husband, all wrapped into one. Even now, fifty-odd years later, we stand together, facing the challenges that come with age, including his struggles with memory loss. Yet, we cling tightly to the bonds we share, determined to walk together until the very last chapter of our story.
I count myself lucky that I’ve never had to endure the pain of a relationship breakup or divorce. Perhaps that’s because I so deeply value having someone who truly loves me, faults and all, without judgement. Like any couple, we’ve had our differences and arguments, but I know what it means to have someone steadfast in my corner, and I strive to be the same for him.
My outlook has been shaped by the experiences, upbringing, and conditioning that have defined my life. These factors influence how I see relationships, both old and new.
Today, I cherish the relationships I’ve formed over the years, seeing them as opportunities for learning and teaching, both for myself and for others. While I may form new connections in the future, it’s my existing relationships that give me strength and keep me grounded.
Join the conversation. In your view, what’s the most important quality needed to maintain a loving, long-lasting partnership through life’s inevitable ups and downs? And do you think that quality can be learned, or is it something that comes naturally to some people?”
Thanks for reading dear friends ღ.
© Stephanie Roberts
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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