Updated on October 31, 2025
I know how important closure is after a breakup. It helps you make sense of what happened, accept the reality of the situation, and begin to heal emotionally. Without it, you may find yourself replaying the breakup on a loop, remembering the good memories, thinking how nice it’d be to reconnect with the dumper, dreaming about the dumper, searching for answers, and struggling to move forward.
Closure is a crucial part of the moving-on process. The sooner you obtain it, the quicker you can accept your mistakes and the breakup and stop blaming yourself.
Dumpees need closure to let go of their ex and fall back in love with themselves. However, a common problem I see is that dumpees become too dependent on their ex. Instead of looking for answers within themselves, they pester their (cold and mean) ex and make their ex lose his or her patience and respect.
By reaching out to their ex and asking for answers, they indirectly tell their ex that they’re unhappy and need and expect him or her to make them happy. Because of this expectation, they often guilt-trip, stress, and annoy their ex, bringing a negative reaction out of their ex.
Many dumpers say or do something hurtful because they think their ex is ignoring their warnings, overstepping their boundaries, and stopping them from focusing on themselves and feeling relieved. They feel unheard and disrespected, so they take their anger and frustration out on their ex.
Their strong reaction then hurts their ex and makes them crave closure and validation even more.
You need to understand that you can get closure even without your ex. I know it sounds silly, but closure has nothing to do with what your ex says to you. Closure means coming to terms with the reasons the relationship ended. To come to terms with those reasons, you must consider your explanations logical and applicable to your specific situation.
In simple terms, you decide what to believe is the cause of the breakup. Your ex’s justification doesn’t have to be your closure. If your ex lied and said the relationship ended because you were too good to him or her, you obviously wouldn’t take that for an answer. You’d consider it a breakup excuse and look for the real reason the relationship ended.
I don’t know what that reason could be, but your ex might have emotionally burned out, fallen into depression, or connected with someone new.
In cases where the dumper lied, ghosted you, or refused to tell you why the relationship ended, you shouldn’t reach out and expect your ex to provide the answers you’re looking for. Instead, you should focus on finding closure within yourself and accept the justification that makes the most sense to you.
You can reach a positive conclusion based on the circumstances of the breakup, your ex’s behavior, and the knowledge you’ve gained from the relationship. Your ex doesn’t need to directly express why he or she abandoned the relationship.
Most dumpers don’t tell the truth anyway. They usually tell white lies to avoid causing more pain and dealing with a hurt and angry ex. They prefer to speak half-truths and use clichés like, “It’s not you, it’s me, I need to find myself, you’re perfect.” By not sharing the reasons for the breakup, they avoid taking responsibility for their actions and leave the dumpee confused and searching for answers.
Many dumpees become obsessed with searching for the truth (closure) and wonder if the breakup could have been prevented.
If you’re one of those dumpees and can’t stop thinking about whether you should contact your ex for closure, trust me when I say that you most likely shouldn’t. You shouldn’t break the contact rule, ask your ex the same questions you’ve probably asked before, and expect different answers. You especially shouldn’t reach out if the breakup was heated and ended with swearing, curses, resentment, or blocking.
Although your ex might have cooled off since then and become open to talking, there’s a chance your ex is still resentful and unwilling to talk about the relationship and breakup. If that’s the case, you could take your ex’s lack of care, interest, and affection personally and suffer an emotional setback.
Reaching out blindly and hoping for the best is risky. I urge you not to do it if your ex is the mean and bitter type. You have a better chance of getting closure by confiding in your friends and therapists. They’ll tell you the truth even if it hurts because it’s what you need.
So, no, you shouldn’t contact your ex for closure. Think twice about contacting an ex who left you, treated you badly, and didn’t encourage you to reach out to ask questions or express concerns. One of your main tasks as a dumpee is to heal and avoid bringing negative reactions out of your ex. You can do this simply by leaving your ex alone and looking for closure without your ex.
Your ex isn’t your go-to person anymore. He or she is an ex, someone who finds relationship and breakup talks difficult. Such conversations pressure, stress, or annoy him or her and trigger an urge to run for the hills.
It’s in your best interest to avoid complicating things for your ex and yourself. You can do that by determining if your ex is happy to talk to you about the past and help you find the answers you need to move on and be happy.
In today’s article, we’ll discuss whether or when you should contact your ex for closure. Thanks for reading.
Should I contact my ex for closure?
Generally speaking, you shouldn’t contact your ex for closure and risk getting hurt. You should remember that you and your ex already said what you needed to say and that digging up the past will likely affect both parties negatively.
It will make your ex feel pressured and disrespected, and make you feel lied to, dismissed, or invalidated.
I can’t say with absolute certainty how your ex will react, but there’s a strong chance it will be negative. Especially if you get emotional, scared, or desperate for love and reassurance. An unhappy or demanding approach from you could take your ex back to the time when he or she felt smothered and considered leaving the relationship.
Even if you appear unaffected and stoic, it could still irritate your ex and make you regret reaching out.
If you don’t know how your ex will respond, it’s best not to contact your ex for closure and gamble with your health. Contact your family, friends, or therapists instead. They’ll listen to what you have to say and give you rational but supportive information and advice.
Of course, not all relatives and therapists give good advice. Some give terrible advice by suggesting that the dumpee reach out and talk to their angry and space-deprived dumper. They don’t understand that the dumper needs time to enjoy the relief stage of the breakup and avoid reminders of his or her ex.
Because they don’t understand that dumpers need to feel relieved and in control, they urge dumpees to reach out and say what’s on their mind. That puts dumpees in a position of weakness, making them more vulnerable to rejection, manipulation, and pain.
If you want to contact your ex because you’re hurt, you need to ask yourself how likely it is that your ex will hurt you more. If things ended on a bad note, it’s quite likely that your ex will be hesitant to talk or share the information you seek. In that case, it’s best to forget about your ex and find different ways to get closure. Ways that don’t involve your ex.
Most dumpees get closure by analyzing their ex’s behavior before, during, and after the breakup. They learn why their ex lost interest and feelings and continue to self-prioritize and move on.
Speaking of moving on, closure doesn’t mean you feel happy, detached, and over your ex. It means you have the information you need to understand what went wrong, accept the breakup, and work on healing and growth. If you make your ex responsible for your detachment and happiness, you’ll pin your expectations on your ex and risk getting rejected and hurt.
When should I contact my ex for closure?
In my opinion, you can contact your ex under 2 conditions.
- Your ex handled the breakup maturely and empathetically
- Your ex invited you to reach out for questions, closure, or support
If you need to know what happened so you can detach and grow, and think that your ex will most likely give you what you need, feel free to contact your ex for closure. Reach out to your ex, apologize for the intrusion, say you’ll be brief, and ask if it’s okay to ask a few questions.
Your ex will share the things you want to know if he or she understands and cares about your feelings, and thinks that your approach is undemanding and respectful. How you reach out and express yourself matters a lot, so don’t think that your ex will give you everything you want or need just because it’s you. Quite frankly, your ex’s treatment doesn’t depend on the relationship itself. It depends on your ex’s personality, perception of you, and the way you ask or demand things. If you come across too strongly, your ex may feel pressured or defensive, get angry, and pull away.
Always remember that closure must be about closure, not about making your ex insecure, jealous, and regretful. If your ex senses that you’re using closure as an excuse to reconcile, it won’t end well because your ex will think that you’re lying and consider you manipulative.
If you decide to reach out for closure, make sure it’s strictly about closure. Your ex must see that you’re reaching out for moving-on purposes and that you’re not a threat to his or her newfound space and freedom.
When your ex sees that you have no ulterior motives, your ex will likely open up to you and answer your questions truthfully. Those answers might be somewhat downplayed, but you should still have a general understanding of why things ended the way they did.
For complete honesty, encourage your ex to tell you the truth and reassure him or her that you can handle it. A slight push should be enough to help your ex open up, as long as your ex feels safe and not judged.
What if your ex doesn’t want to give you closure?
If your ex doesn’t want to explain him/herself and ease your pain and suffering, you have to stop seeking closure from your ex and find it on your own. You must look within and talk to people with breakup experience or knowledge. They’ll share their rational point of view and help you understand things better.
When the dumper refuses to provide closure, you mustn’t guilt-trip, get angry, or try to obtain closure directly from the dumper. On the contrary, you must accept your ex’s decision to withhold it from you and find a different method to get the answers you need.
Dumpees often find closure by journaling their explanations, talking to a therapist, and learning more about breakups. They learn what went wrong and what they can do better next time by reflecting on their mistakes and committing to dealing with undesirable feelings and situations.
Dumpers don’t do that, which is why they seldom learn and grow. Most of the time, they stay as they are and encounter similar problems in the future. They get another chance to evolve when new problems arise.
Anyway, some dumpers feel victimized and resentful and don’t want to give closure. They intentionally refuse to answer their ex’s questions because the truth makes them feel accountable and causes them to become defensive.
Many dumpers would rather not feel responsible for ending the relationship and hurting their ex’s feelings. They don’t understand that closure eases their conscience and helps their ex move on as quickly as possible.
Are you thinking about contacting your ex for closure? How do you think your ex will respond? Share your intentions and expectations below.
However, if you need our help deciding whether to reach out for closure, feel free to get in touch. At Magnet of Success, we help dumpees understand their breakup, rebuild their self-esteem, and move on with confidence.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
