Skills That Build a Stronger Marriage

How Premarital Counseling Builds Skills for a Stronger Marriage | Jesse Stanley

Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, BCC

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is a licensed psychologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified coach, AAMFT clinical supervisor, host of the Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast and founder of Growing Self.

Premarital counseling isn’t something couples should only consider “just in case.” In reality, premarital counseling is one of the most powerful ways to protect a healthy relationship before real life stress begins to test it.

Many couples assume love and compatibility are enough to carry them through marriage. However, couples who have been married for decades often share a different perspective. The happiest marriages are not sustained by love alone. Instead, they thrive because partners learn the relationship skills that help them communicate, repair conflict, and stay emotionally connected over time.

In this episode of Love, Happiness and Success, I sat down with my colleague Jesse Stanley to talk about what is premarital counseling, why it matters, and how learning relationship skills early can dramatically change the trajectory of a marriage.

Because the truth is simple: most couples don’t struggle because they stop loving each other. Instead, they struggle because no one ever taught them how to do the things that make love sustainable.

What Is Premarital Counseling?

A question I hear often is: what is premarital counseling, really?

Some people picture an awkward conversation with a clergy member before the wedding ceremony. Others imagine sitting in a therapist’s office only if something has already gone wrong.

However, premarital counseling is something very different.

At its best, premarital counseling is an intentional process where couples explore how their relationship works and develop the practical skills that support a healthy marriage over time. If you’re curious about the structure of the process, you can learn more about what is premarital counseling and how premarital counseling works.

Instead of waiting until problems appear, couples learn how to communicate clearly, navigate differences, and strengthen emotional intimacy while their relationship is already strong.

Premarital counseling works much like preventative care for your relationship.

Just as we visit doctors for checkups or maintain our physical health through exercise, premarital counseling helps couples strengthen the emotional foundation of their partnership before stress, life transitions, and real-world challenges arrive.

Research supports this preventative approach. Studies show that couples who participate in relationship education programs experience stronger relationship satisfaction and improved communication skills (Carroll & Doherty, 2003; Hawkins et al., 2008).

Why Premarital Counseling Helps Couples Build Relationship Skills

One of the most powerful ideas Jesse shared in our conversation is this:

Love gets people married, but relationship skills keep them married.

Many couples enter marriage during what we call the honeymoon phase. At this stage, differences feel small, disagreements are rare, and both partners assume things will always feel this easy.

However, every relationship eventually faces moments when partners feel out of alignment. Stress enters the relationship. Expectations collide. Careers, finances, family dynamics, or parenting demands introduce new pressures.

The real question isn’t: Are we perfectly compatible?

Instead, the real question becomes: What do we do when we’re not?

Premarital counseling helps couples answer that question together by learning communication strategies, emotional regulation, and collaborative problem-solving.

Compatibility Isn’t the Whole Story

There’s a popular belief that strong relationships depend primarily on compatibility. If two people are “right for each other,” the thinking goes, their relationship should feel relatively easy.

However, compatibility is only one small piece of a much larger puzzle.

Even couples who share similar values, goals, and personalities will encounter disagreements. Two thoughtful people can still have very different ideas about money, intimacy, family boundaries, or communication.

What determines whether a relationship thrives isn’t the absence of differences.

Instead, it’s the ability to work through those differences constructively.

Relationship research consistently shows that emotional responses during conflict strongly influence long-term relationship outcomes (Levenson & Gottman, 1983).

Premarital counseling helps couples develop those skills early, before destructive communication habits take root.

Important Premarital Counseling Questions Couples Should Ask

Another important benefit of premarital counseling is that it encourages couples to explore topics they may not have fully discussed yet.

Many couples glide past important questions because everything feels good in the moment. However, over time, unspoken expectations can turn into major sources of conflict.

Some of the most helpful premarital counseling questions include topics like:

• How do we handle disagreements when emotions run high?
• What are our expectations around money and financial decisions?
• How do we divide responsibilities in our home and relationship?
• What does emotional intimacy look like for each of us?
• How do we manage relationships with extended family?
• What beliefs about marriage did we learn from our parents?

If you want more ideas, explore these additional premarital questions to ask before marriage.

Premarital counseling creates space for couples to explore these topics thoughtfully, honestly, and proactively.

Why Couples Often Wait Too Long for Premarital and Marital Counseling

Many couples assume counseling is only necessary when a relationship feels broken. As a result, they delay seeking help until problems become overwhelming.

However, waiting too long often makes change much more difficult.

By the time couples enter therapy years later, resentment may already be present. Communication may feel tense or unsafe. Partners may stop raising concerns because past conversations turned into arguments.

Researchers describe this destructive communication dynamic as the demand–withdraw cycle, where one partner pushes for discussion while the other pulls away (Schrodt et al., 2014).

Premarital counseling works in the opposite direction. Instead of repairing damage, couples learn relationship skills while trust, goodwill, and cooperation remain strong.

For couples wondering is premarital counseling worth it, the answer is often yes precisely because it helps prevent these patterns before they begin.