“Expectations are premeditated resentments.” ~Unknown
Yesterday, I found myself sitting across from my boss, fighting back tears as I voiced something that had been eating away at me for three years: “I don’t feel valued enough.”
The words felt heavy in my throat. As a law professor, I’d always prided myself on being composed and professional. But in that moment, all my carefully constructed walls came crumbling down.
“I put in extra hours. I mentor people. I’m always available when someone needs help,” I continued, my voice barely above a whisper. “But it feels like nobody really appreciates it. Like all this effort goes unnoticed.”
Anyone who’s ever poured their heart into their work might recognize this feeling.
Maybe you’re the colleague who always stays late to help others meet deadlines. Perhaps you’re the team member who takes on extra projects without being asked. Or the person who remembers everyone’s birthdays and organizes office celebrations.
You give and give, hoping that somehow, this dedication will translate into the recognition and respect you crave.
My boss listened quietly, his expression thoughtful. Then he shared two insights that shook my understanding of professional relationships.
“First,” he said, leaning forward, “mastery in any field takes time. But here’s what most people miss—it’s not just about mastering your technical skills. It’s about mastering your relationship with the work itself.”
I sat with that for a moment, letting it sink in. How much of my frustration came from actually doing my job versus my expectations of how others should respond to my efforts?
“Second,” he continued, “when we tie our confidence to others’ reactions, we’re building our professional house on shifting sand.”
That hit home hard. I realized I had created an elaborate scorecard in my head: Each extra hour should equal a certain amount of appreciation; each additional task should translate to a specific level of respect. When reality didn’t match these expectations, my confidence crumbled.
It’s a trap many of us fall into. We believe that if we just work hard enough, stay late enough, and help enough people, recognition will naturally follow. When it doesn’t, we feel betrayed and undervalued and begin to question our worth.
Ultimately, we need to learn to validate ourselves, but here’s where things get nuanced—and important. This doesn’t mean we should accept environments that consistently undervalue or exploit our dedication. There’s a delicate balance between developing intrinsic motivation and recognizing when a situation is genuinely unhealthy.
Let me share what this balance looks like in practice. A few months ago, I noticed I was staying three hours late every day, answering work messages at midnight, and constantly taking on others’ responsibilities. At first, I told myself I was just being dedicated. But then I asked myself three crucial questions:
1. Is this a pattern of working hard without any recognition, or am I overextending myself because I’m seeking validation?
2. Are my extra efforts occasionally acknowledged, even if not always?
3. Do I feel safe expressing concerns about workload and boundaries?
The answers helped me distinguish between my desire for constant validation and my legitimate need for basic professional respect. I realized that while I needed to work on my own relationship with external validation, I also needed to set clearer boundaries about my time and energy.
That evening, I opened my laptop and started a different kind of work journal. Instead of tracking others’ reactions, I wrote down what I felt proud of that day: explaining a complex concept clearly, helping someone understand a difficult topic, and making progress on a challenging project. But I also noted when my boundaries were crossed and when additional effort went beyond reasonable expectations.
This dual awareness—of both internal validation and external respect—changed everything.
I learned to appreciate my own efforts while also advocating for myself when necessary. I started leaving work at a reasonable hour most days, saving those extra hours for truly important projects. I began setting boundaries around my availability, and surprisingly, this earned me more respect, not less.
Here’s what I’ve learned about finding this balance:
1. Question your expectations. Distinguish between needing constant praise and deserving basic respect.
2. Look for impact, not appreciation. When I did this, I noticed small moments I’d previously overlooked: a quiet nod of understanding during a presentation and a subtle shift in someone’s confidence after our interaction.
3. Build internal metrics. Define success on your own terms, but don’t ignore red flags in your environment.
4. Set healthy boundaries. Your dedication shouldn’t come at the cost of your well-being.
5. Recognize the difference. Know when you’re seeking validation versus when you’re being undervalued.
Most importantly, I’ve learned that true professional satisfaction comes from a combination of internal confidence and external respect. It’s about knowing your worth while ensuring you’re in an environment that, at least fundamentally, recognizes it too.
Now, when I catch myself slipping into old patterns—checking for signs of appreciation or feeling resentful about unacknowledged efforts—I pause and ask two questions: “Am I doing this because it matters to me, or am I doing it for recognition?” And equally important: “Is this a reasonable expectation of my time and energy?”
Some days are still challenging. There are still moments when I wish for more recognition. But I’ve found peace in knowing that while I don’t need constant validation, it’s okay to expect basic respect and appreciation in my professional life. The key is building enough self-worth to know when you’re seeking excess validation and when you’re simply asking to be valued appropriately.
This morning, I walked into my workplace with a different energy. I felt confident in my worth, clear about my boundaries, and secure in knowing that while I don’t need endless praise, I deserve to be in an environment that recognizes my contributions. Because true professional growth isn’t about learning to accept less than you deserve—it’s about finding that sweet spot between internal validation and healthy external recognition.
About Kalyani Abhyankar
Kalyani Abhyankar is a professor of law and mindset coach, specializing in administrative law and consumer protection. She is passionate about helping others cultivate a limitless mindset and personal growth through her work on LinkedIn and beyond.
