What Does it Feel Like to Experience Peace in Your Relationships?

Hi, Phil and Maude here. We sit down each week and talk about how we are, or how our week has been and how we navigated it, and out of that comes a post. We look for a particular angle or a new way to express how we are, but in the end, it’s just us talking about what it is to experience peace.

PHIL: We’re trying to grasp what it is that contributes to our having a peaceful relationship. One thing is that we always go with the flow. Yes, a jargony phrase, but I mean that we don’t resist what is happening, whether that is one of us feeling unbalanced or needing something, or something external — a house problem, a car problem, a neighbor problem. Actually, they’re not the same. External issues can be deferred until they become pressing, but our internal balance is something we are scrupulous about maintaining. We can do this because we are in touch with the very deep connection between us. This has existed unchanged since early days, and writing these posts has helped in maintaining that awareness. By talking about how we are, we have kept this as a major part of our world.

So what is this sense of this deep connection? My sense of Maude is that she brings all of herself. There is nothing hidden; she is not putting on a front, not hiding her opinions to please me. Wow. The security I get from knowing that this is it, there are no hidden variables (obscure reference for physicists), is wonderful; it is like a cool breeze on a sunny day.

And I try to offer the same myself, in my own flawed way.

I think that by doing this, we reach something universal about the human need for connection, and it is from this deep root that we can roll with whatever is going on.

There is grace, luck, chance, fortune, fate in our finding each other, but I also want to credit intention: this is how we want it to be, and hence we make it so. We do that by being open and accepting, and by making time whenever the other person has a need for connection. (You may recognize this from Gottman.)

But I’d like to phrase it the opposite way: we carry out that intention not by doing, but by just being. This is another way to describe being accepting: be present with whatever is happening.

MAUDE: Peaceful relationships. They arise out of so many big and small factors. There are aspects that are primary, like being present, open, honest and trusting, feeling seen and heard, sharing yourself with the other person, and honoring and respecting each other’s uniqueness. There are actions that grow out of those basic ones and are exhibited in the way you treat each other. Examples of such behavior are: gentleness in tone of voice, listening with attention, kindness, and being supportive.

Phil and I have always believed that there was grace involved in where each of us was in our lives when we connected. And I still believe that firmly. Yet, we also know that there was a deep intention that we both brought to bear that made the building of a peaceful relationship possible. And I can say that about all of my deep relationships. Some may have taken longer to grow into that place, but it was a direct path to the kind of constant connection and loving regard that creates the ease and sense of safety and reassurance that characterizes peace between people.

We both know that whatever happens, we will deal with it. Our connection rides outside the occurrences of life that befall each of us, as we grow and learn to live and share our lives on this planet.

There is a firm sense of commitment to each other that runs deep and strong within both of us. And again, I would have to say this is so in all my intimate relationships. This sense is there not because of a contract. Although I must say, in the case of Phil and me, our wedding vows truly embodied the intentions to live as we do together. Rather, it is because of the assurance of how we both feel, and the deep sense of the reality behind that feeling.

There is also a commitment within each of us to grow and to expand our knowledge of our inner self, and to find the paths that lead to inner peace. This experience keeps moving forward toward choosing love over fear, truth over dishonesty, and seeking the best possible outcome for all.

Phil is more introverted than I am. I, perhaps, fit the category of extrovert more closely. Either way, we both value connection with others and the knowledge that we are all related. We are all similar as well as different, and those differences bring enrichment not threat to the lives of those who seek peace and love.

We hope to inspire those who want to walk this path to come along with us, spreading peace one relationship at a time.

Reading Corner

Why Peaceful Relationships Start With This One Radical Choice “This describes a state of us being together without the need for defenses. The more Phil and I discussed this way of being together, the clearer we became that this is a core behavior of a peaceful relationship. Peaceful relationships are by their nature non-combative and are safe spaces where you know that you will not be attacked, sniped at, or any variant thereof. At first, I was going to say this is because we know for certain that we are always on the same side. This is most certainly true, and yet that does not fully describe this way of being. This is a state where a choice has been made both individually and for the relationship. It is a choice that goes to the very center of each of the individuals: a choice for living in peace. It is not a compromise of swallowing feelings and thoughts. It is not a mental activity alone. It is an alignment with a quiet inner connection to who you are, coupled with the ability to share that with another. This is a way of being in peace that you have found within yourself, and from that place, you are able to recognize the same place in the other person. Once you have found it within yourself, bring it into how you are in that relationship. When you do this consistently, it allows it to come forth in the other person as well.”

How to Recognize and Bring Peace Into Your Relationships “Phil and I recently attended a celebration of life that left a deep impression on me. The woman being celebrated had the ability to be of good cheer consistently, and taught and uplifted many from this place of profound joy. As I listened to the stories of how she impacted so many on her life’s path, I heard over and over how passionate she was in her life. She pursued her loves with great intensity, with the tenacity and discipline that arose from it. And I thought of peace and how peace is a state of being that is filled with passion. Often, people do not recognize the actuality of peace, even when they have it. And far too many do not have it at all in their lives. In their mind, peace exists as a conception of something. People imagine that peace is devoid of feeling; that it is a place of emptiness. They think of peace as an absence of a variety of things, not a state unto itself. Yet, peace is very real and becomes known through direct experience, combined with awareness.”

Connection is the Heart of Peace-filled Relationships “Phil and I recently visited with a dear friend at her home for a scrumptious dinner. The dinner wasn’t the only thing that was delectable that evening. We had a powerful experience of our connection. Through the many hours of the evening, we talked, ate together, and communed both verbally and in silence with each other.” We felt relaxed, heard, seen and appreciated. We were interested and enlightened by the conversations, thoughts and ideas as they poured forth. We sat together in silence, communicating and sharing the essence of peace that grew in the room around us. And that is one of the profound impressions that I had afterward. We, as in all three of us, were deeply connected, in one unit. It wasn’t only that she and Phil, or Phil and me, or she and I were each connected. No, this was quite different. The three of us were in one relationship with each other. It felt very special and rich because of this difference. There was a circle of warmth that engulfed us all. As we moved many leagues deeper in our connectedness, a joy and a lightness of being permeated that room. It didn’t matter really what the topic was, whether the state of the world or the dressing on the salad, it was the quality of relating that held so much value.”

Originally published at https://philandmaude.substack.com.