Vulnerable narcissism flies under the radar and often dresses itself up as something else. But it’s equally as dangerous as other types of narcissism.
If you know a narcissist, you’ll no doubt have an in-depth knowledge of the specific tactics they use to get their own way. If you don’t know a narcissist, it’s possible that you’ve met one, but that you kept away from them, simply because of an intuitive feeling they were no good. But do you know about vulnerable narcissism?
Being in a relationship with any narcissist is exhausting, damaging, and no fun in the slightest. But a vulnerable narcissist often hides their narcissism behind a cloak, leading you to stick with them despite their underhand tactics and negative behaviors. [Read: Toxic relationship – What it is, 107 signs, causes, and types of love that hurt you]
What is a narcissist?
If you’re not sure what a narcissist is, it’s someone with a specific personality disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD. It is characterized by surprisingly low self-esteem but covered up by an ‘I’m better than everyone else’ attitude, and manipulative behavior which drags down those around them.
You’ve probably heard of gaslighting, a type of abusive manipulation that narcissists use commonly. [Read: 73 red flag narcissism signs and traits of a narcissist to read them like a book]
There are many different types of narcissists; classic narcissists are the most common type, ranging up toward malignant narcissists. The latter is a type of narcissist you do not want in your life because they’re extremely manipulative. In fact, there are studies that show them to share specific traits with sociopaths and psychopaths.
So yeah, no fun at all. [Read: The main types of narcissism and 18 steps to treat and help a narcissist change]
What is a vulnerable narcissist?
When you first meet this type of person, they’re quiet and don’t push themselves forward into the conversation. They certainly don’t talk about themselves or try and go one better than everyone else.
Then, just when you think you’ve discovered a nice, quiet, unassuming person, the sly, negative remarks begin.
Vulnerable narcissism isn’t characterized by “look how great I am.” It’s characterized by feelings that the world owes them a favor and everyone is out to get them. It’s draining, to say the least.
Vulnerable narcissists are sensitive to the extreme. If you make a remark that is in no way intended for them, they will assume it is and take great offense. They can switch from perfectly fine to extremely offended in an instant, making conversations a total minefield. [Read: Covert narcissist – what it is, 42 signs, and how to see the games they play]
What causes vulnerable narcissism?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder causes all types of narcissism, vulnerable narcissism included. Many studies have tried to work out why NPD actually occurs, yet there is still no concrete answer.
The other issue is that there is no known cure. There are therapies to try and unlearn behaviors, but no actual way to cure a person of this upsetting disorder.
Despite no actual cause of NPD having been detected, it’s thought to be a combination of factors, including childhood experiences, genes, psychological factors, trauma, abuse, or excessive praise/judgment in adolescence. [Read: 29 subtle signs to spot a narcissist and read NPD traits in a relationship]
Vulnerable narcissist vs grandiose narcissist
If a vulnerable narcissist is sensitive to the extreme and likes to use underhanded remarks to drag people down, what is a grandiose narcissist?
Grandiose narcissism is the regular type you think of when you try to picture a narcissist. This is a person who is very dominant and aggressive. They assume they’re better than everyone else and make sure everyone knows it.
They’re focused entirely on looks and material things and they don’t care who they hurt.
Of course, the common factor between all types of narcissists is that they don’t feel empathy. Vulnerable narcissists might seem like they do, but it’s all an illusion. Everything is about them; they just go about it in a different way. [Read: Narcissistic supply – How to control a narcissist and cut their power]
Signs of vulnerable narcissism
Regular narcissism is quite clear. This is someone who must have the best of everything, one-up everyone and is always right, while everyone else is wrong. On the other hand, vulnerable narcissism is quite different.
The main traits of vulnerable narcissism are:
1. Feeling and acting helpless.
2. Acting emotionally despite the fact they don’t have much in the way of empathy for others. [Read: Reasons why empathy is important in a relationship]
3. Not opening up about their true feelings, e.g. acting in a reticent way.
4. Extremely sensitive and take offense easily.
5. Despite being sensitive, they don’t use this to help others or recognize their feelings, it’s entirely turned inward.
6. Everything is about them, and if it’s not, they will turn it around so that it is.
7. They are perfectionists, but they think that they’re perfect and nobody else sees it. [Read: Dating a perfectionist – the things you must know before you date one]
8. Regularly act like a victim.
9. Never take responsibility for their actions and instead blame it on someone else.
10. They believe everyone is out to prove them wrong or to get them, simply because they’re better than everyone else.
11. Regularly use passive-aggressive behavior. [Read: How to deal with passive-aggressive people and not lose your mind]
12. Have an introverted personality, or at least appear to have.
13. They have a neurotic side.
14. They thrive on attention and accolade.
15. They aren’t prone to feelings of shame. [Read: Fool me once, shame on you – don’t get fooled again]
15. They take but rarely give.
15. They are defensive and often have angry outbursts.
16. Controlling in relationships. [Read: What causes narcissism? The facts and theories to read a narcissist]
As you can see, there are some classic narcissistic traits in there, but their extreme sensitivity sets them apart. Having a conversation with a vulnerable narcissist is a total minefield. You must watch everything you say and even the slightest thing could be taken completely out of context.
Vulnerable narcissism also doesn’t come over as charming, unlike classic/grandiose narcissism. Instead, it comes across as judgmental, condescending, and a little smug. A vulnerable narcissist might seem likable at first, but after a while, the cracks show. [Read: Psychological manipulation – How it works, 37 tactics, signs, and ways to deal]
Why vulnerable narcissists are quite dangerous
Malignant narcissists are very dangerous. These are certainly the most worrying of all the different types. However, a vulnerable narcissist is able to suck you in and hit you on the counter-punch, so to speak.
You feel sorry for them at first, but then you’re dragged down into their pool of negativity. You’re also extremely likely to say something which they will take personally, whether you meant it about them or not.
Vulnerable narcissists are extremely talented at taking a seemingly innocent remark and turning it, twisting it, making it about them, and then being so sensitive to it that it’s as though you’ve done something terrible to their pet cat. [Read: Narcissist and an empath – why they’re a match made in dating hell]
The subtle approach of the vulnerable narcissist is what makes them dangerous. You might think they’re the exact opposite of a classic narcissist. Don’t be fooled. They have a lot more in common with the classics than you might think.
Gaslighting, when done by a vulnerable narcissist can be even more successful, simply because you can’t see what they’re doing. This person doesn’t act overly confident. Instead, they appear like the victim, someone you could easily hurt.
Why would they be trying to hurt you? That’s what they want you to think. [Read: Gaslighting – what it is, how it works, and 33 signs to spot it ASAP]
And the news doesn’t get any better…
Vulnerable narcissism also makes a person at a higher risk of developing conditions like depression. This sets them apart in some ways from their classic counterparts. They genuinely believe the world is out to get them, leading to paranoia and depression, perhaps even anxiety.
The difference? They never truly believe that they’re lacking. They always believe they’re better than everyone, it’s just that nobody else can see it.
Put simply, being around a vulnerable narcissist can be frustrating at best, and damaging at worst. You won’t believe their manipulative tactics, because they’re too busy making you feel sorry for them. If you’re someone who is full of empathy, someone who is sensitive to the emotions of others, you’re a prime target for this type of narcissist. [Read: How to be emotionless -16 ways to lose feelings and gain control]
Empaths in particular are prime targets. They want to “save” the narcissist and make them feel better by dragging them out of their “everyone hates me” attitude. But nobody can save a narcissist unless they want to be saved. Even then, they have to do it themselves for treatment to be even slightly successful.
The fact that most narcissists don’t believe they’re ever wrong, and certainly don’t believe there’s anything wrong with them, means only a very small amount will ever take up such treatment.
Signs you could be in a relationship with a vulnerable narcissist
Are you reading this and a few bells of recognition are ringing? If so, it could be that you’re actually in a relationship with a narcissist and you’re starting to see through their ‘woe is me’ act.
Here are a few signs that the person in your life might actually be a vulnerable narcissist.
1. They practice trauma dumping
Remember, a vulnerable narcissist has a terrible life in their eyes. So it’s no surprise that they might try trauma dumping. This means they will dump stories of their past traumas on you without any warning whatsoever.
The more they do this, the more negative you start to feel and your empathy may start to exhaust you. [Read: How to leave a toxic relationship – 24 steps to end it and find happiness]
2. They display contemptuous social anxiety
A vulnerable narcissist may become quite anxious in social activities but to cover that up, they’ll show disdain to everyone around them. They’ll talk about other people and drag you down to the point where you wish you hadn’t gone out at all.
3. You feel a need to ‘rescue’ them
They seem so vulnerable and sincere that you really want to make them feel better. You want to try and save them so that they can start to become more positive and enjoy life. What you don’t realize is that you’re just falling into their trap.
4. They perceive others through a hostile lens
Anyone in your life is likely to be the target of passive-aggressive comments and hostility. The vulnerable narcissist doesn’t enjoy being around others because they see them as a threat.
When you’re in a relationship with this person, they see everyone as trying to take you away from them. [Read: Passive aggressive personality – 15 signs to recognize the sourpuss]
5. They have a false sense of outsized suffering
They assume that their suffering is ten times worse than anyone else’s and nobody could possibly understand them. The truth is, there are many people who are a lot worse off than them.
You try telling them that, though…
6. They are jealous of the success of others
If you do well, they won’t be pleased for you; they’ll be jealous. If anyone in their life does something well, don’t expect the vulnerable narcissist to pat them on the back or be genuinely happy. Instead, the green-eyed monster will appear. [Read: How to recognize the signs of jealousy in someone and guide them out]
How to deal with a vulnerable narcissist
Whether you identify a vulnerable narcissist as a partner, friend, colleague, or family member, how can you deal with them? What can you do to make the whole thing easier?
1. Recognize the signs
The first step is to understand that this person is a vulnerable narcissist in the first place. Recognize the signs and be sure in your mind.
2. Don’t take anything personally
Whatever they say to you, let it wash over you, and don’t take it personally. Remember, they’re only trying to drag you down to make themselves feel better. [Read: Negative Nancy – What makes one, 18 traits, and ways to deal with their attitude]
3. Set firm boundaries
If you have to spend time around them, make it clear what you will and won’t tolerate. If they overstep the mark, do exactly what you say you’re going to do, e.g. walk away.
4. Allow them to sit in discomfort
Don’t feel the need to run to their side to soothe their hurt or stroke their ego. This is what they want you to do and by continually doing so, you’re enabling their behavior.
5. Don’t fall for the charade
Remember, so much of what a narcissist says and does is an act. They have ulterior motives, even if you can’t quite see them. Don’t fall for the charade and do everything for them. Turn the tables and start focusing on yourself. [Read: Ways to instantly recognize fake people and stay away]
6. Emotionally disengage
Do your best to turn off your emotions when you’re around this person and hold them at arm’s length. However, this is not the easiest thing to do if you’re in a relationship with someone like this.
In that case, you really need to start questioning whether you want to be in this relationship at all. You deserve better.
7. Get help
For you, not them. If you find that being around this person makes you feel negative and drags you down, reach out for help to overcome your own emotions. Being around a narcissist can be exhausting but it can also really affect your mental health.
Don’t be afraid to seek help if you feel you need it. [Read: Relationship therapy – 25 clues to know if it’ll help your romance]
Will a relationship with a vulnerable narcissist ever work?
Not if you want it to be a happy one.
The truth is that a narcissist of any type doesn’t know how to love another person; they only love themselves. They might try and trick you into believing they truly love you and want the best for you, but it’s all a charade.
Remember, narcissists do not have empathy and you cannot love a person and have a healthy relationship if you can’t walk a mile in their shoes. [Read: 21 secret signs of a bad relationship that signal a bad future ahead]
So, while it is very difficult to walk away from someone you love, if you truly believe that your partner is a vulnerable narcissist, or indeed any type of narcissist, the best thing you can do is leave. Focus on yourself and rely upon your friends and family for support.
You deserve a relationship with someone who is true and not a world of confusion and pain.
[Read: Narcissistic relationship pattern – The 7 stages you have to face]
Vulnerable narcissism is an under-the-radar type of narcissism. But it doesn’t show itself until you’re in their grasp. You feel sorry for them at first, but then their negativity and manipulation tactics will drag you down.
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