Global Dating Insights is delighted to share a guest post from Hunt Ethridge, award-winning dating expert & matchmaker.
What’s going on with men?
Every day, every one of us in the Love Industry hears the same lament.
“What is going on with guys these days?”
The short answer is a lot. And it’s not great.
Women have made amazing and needed strides with a lot of dedicated programs like Title IX, smashing glass ceilings being able to fully embrace independence. That should be celebrated and is. However, during this time, due to many factors, men not only stagnated, but started falling behind. This isn’t a zero-sum game. Focusing on one challenge doesn’t draw resources away from another. And it’s time to take a stark look at what is happening to the modern man. Especially if this is half of your demographic.
First off, there are, as always, a lot of factors are at play and no one things is responsible for the whole. To confront this issue first, we need to ask the question: What makes a man? This is a fluid notion, the same as “masculinity” and the ideal is always shifting. That could be a whole other article for another time. But for most the past centuries, there was one thing that men could do, would do, and took pride in and that was “providing.” This usually came in the form of making the money or having the job, putting a roof over everyone’s head, keeping bellies full and dangers at bay.
What have previously been the cultural markers of “being a man?” Having a stable career, owning your home, having a car, being able to physically manipulate your environment, being an active member of local society, and being able to have children. Many, if not most, of the markers feel completely out of reach for the current generation. This is the first generation in hundreds of years that is predicted to do less well than their fathers. Generational bettering, has been part of the fabric of society. We want to leave our children better off than we were. But it’s becoming less and less likely. And this starts to create a lot of internalized shame for men.
We all know the days of a high school educated man working, marrying, buying a house, having 4 kids and two cars and yearly trips to the Shore are over. In the 1950s, 9 out of 10 American men 20 years and older were working, with 19 out of 20 aged 25-64 in the labor forces. These days it’s fewer than 7 out of 10, 20 years and older and 16 out of 20 for ages 25-64, which is approximately 10 million more men not contributing. (Federal reserve bank of St. Louis, “Civilian labor force participation rate, men. February 2018)
For the ones that ARE working, real or adjusted wages for all men were lower than their peak in 1973. The wages for the bottom 60% fell drastically, with the largest declines among men in the lowest 40%. In adjusted 1970s dollars, a down payment on a home cost ~8,250 labor hours. In 2024, it has increased almost 40% to over 11,300 hours. The same has happened for cars, rentals, and everyday breadbasket items. Add to that an average school debt of $35k and the buying power is just not there.
“When men can’t assume their culturally prescribed role as providers, such apparent laziness and irresponsibility is often a function of depression and shame” – Cabrini University psychologist Mark Kiselica, former president of the Society for the psychological Study of Men and masculinity. “Shame affects self-esteem and identify as a male. It’s not a career issue. They tend to feel like complete failures. Non working husbands not only may experience shame, but they often feel unneeded” (interview with Mark Kiselica, August 18, 2017).
In the United States, the last year that more men graduated college than women was 1982. Every year since then, the gap has widened. It gets even more pronounced when looking at advanced degrees and POC. In 1970, colleges & universities had 35% more men than women. Today that number is more than 37% – flipped in the other direction! Men seem to be simply withdrawing from society at large.
In the 1960s fraternal and civic organizations like Rotary, Kiwana, Elks club, Masons and even unions had millions of men as members. Those numbers have fallen between ½ and 2/3 (“Service clubs push against fading influence to finding new members” Kansas City Star, 7/10/2016; “Fading traditions: service clubs have long tradition, uncertain future” Green valley news, 9/2/2015).
The notion of “the third place,” or a place to gather that isn’t home or work have fallen out favor. These third places would also include churches, barber shops, theatres, village green, libraries, community centers, etc. There are 8 guidelines for what makes a third place: neutral ground, leveler (leveling place), conversation is the main activity, accessibility and accommodation, the regulars, a low profile, the mood is playful and it’s a home away from home. The key to these 3rd places is it “offers stress relief from the everyday demands of both home and work. It provides the feeling of inclusiveness and belonging associated with participating in a group’s social activities, without the rigidity of policy or exclusiveness of club or organization membership”.
This is killing men at an alarming rate. There is new data that shows loneliness can be as or more harmful for your health than smoking! During the years, 1999 – 2013, the mortality rate of men with a BA fell 57%, those with some college fell 3.33%. But those with only a high school degree ROSE 34%. The fastest rising death rate in the US is so called “deaths of despair.” These include ODs, suicide and liver disease. Deaths from these causes have increased between 56% and 387%, depending on the age cohort, over the past two decades, averaging 70,000 per year.
With suicide now being the leading death of men under 50, there needs to be much more attention focused on this. While it can seem overwhelming to figure out where to start, perhaps the suicide notes of the men can tell us. The two most used words in suicide notes by men were “worthless” and “useless.” Men are telling us, they need to feel useful and worthy.
If companies or products were able to focus on and improve either of these two pain points, you could help unlock men’s confidence and make it much easier for everyone in the dating world!
