Oftentimes, dumpees assume that by looking good, they can mesmerize their ex and make their ex feel impressed, envious, or jealous. They think they can make their ex wonder why they look thinner, musclier, or more fashionable—and trigger their ex’s nostalgia or insecurities.
What dumpees tend to forget, though, is that the breakup didn’t happen because of physical unattractiveness. Every breakup is different, but breakups happen because of a lack of emotional fulfillment. Rarely is this lack of fulfillment caused by looks alone.
Yes, dumpers lose attraction, but that loss of attraction happens due to a lack of (emotional) bonding. This means dumpers underprioritize their partner, get stressed/smothered, associate negative beliefs with their partner, and think they’ll be happier on their own or with someone who makes them want to work for and on the relationship.
If dumpers didn’t find their ex attractive, they simply wouldn’t get into a relationship with their ex in the first place. They probably wouldn’t sleep with their ex either. Physical attraction is a must for most people as it’s the first thing that tells them how compatible they are.
Without physical attraction, an emotional attraction, followed by an emotional connection can’t develop. Most of the time, it stops people from wanting to get to know their dating prospects on a deeper level.
I wish I didn’t have to say this, but it’s true. People judge with their eyes before taking their time to see what’s hiding beneath the surface. If they like what they see, they then increase communication and get even more attracted to their crush.
Emotional connection, expectations, and cravings make them more eager to bond, which in turn makes their partner more attractive.
So if you’re counting on physical attractiveness to compensate for the lack of emotional attractiveness, know that you’re shooting yourself in the foot. You want your ex to see you looking good and feel something for you.
That’s probably not going to happen unless the reason your ex left you was that you’d let yourself go, and through self-negligence, made your ex lose physical attraction to you.
In that case, getting back in shape could impress your ex and make your ex find you attractive again. But the real question you should ask yourself is whether it’s already too late for changes and improvements.
Dumpers associate negative opinions with their ex (with the person their ex was, not the person he or she has become). That explains why their opinion of their ex remains the same when their ex proves time after time that he or she has grown significantly since the breakup.
Dumpers just don’t care anymore.
When their love runs dry, they don’t want to refill their love just because the dumpee has fixed his or her issues and is prepared to keep working on them. The thoughts and feelings they anchor to their ex’s persona are so powerful that they prevent them from seeing their ex differently.
We could say dumpers are stubborn and would rather focus on the way their ex used to be.
They do that to convince themselves their reasons for leaving are morally acceptable and that they’re not to blame for the end of the relationship. They basically want someone to blame because they’d hate to admit they’re the reason the relationship ended.
So if you’d let yourself go and you’ve managed to get back in shape, know that your ex will probably notice your changes and like them. But I can’t say with certainty that your ex will feel inspired and be emotionally ready and capable to disassociate negativity from you.
That is something that depends on your ex and his or her maturity and desire to see you in a positive light.
Not every dumper is capable of changing his or her perception of the dumpee. Viewing the dumpee in an old light feels empowering whereas admitting fault and changing perceptions of the dumpee requires a strong emotional incentive.
This incentive can’t be triggered by superficial matters such as a healthy/attractive physical appearance.
It usually needs something shocking that forcefully changes how the dumper thinks and feels.
When the dumper has experienced shock and lowered his or her ego and pride, your good looks can then finally express your ex and motivate your ex to be with you.
So remember, good looks alone are unlikely to be the incentive that inspires your ex to be with you. They’re something your ex can find attractive and benefit from when your ex begins to doubt his or her decision to leave you.
Despite that, it’s still in your best interest to look good for yourself and your ex.
In today’s post, we dissect what happens when your ex sees you looking good. We explain what dumpees and dumpers go through.
When your ex sees you looking good
If the breakup just happened and/or your ex is bitter, tired, or infatuated with some other person, you can be the most attractive person on the planet—and your ex still won’t notice you. Your ex will look right past you and continue to focus on people or things that make your ex happier.
You can’t blame your ex for that. He or she has emotionally disconnected from you and can’t fall back in love with you that easily. Love (which is a desire to reconnect as a couple) requires your ex first to get rid of old perceptions of you.
When your ex has done that, your ex must also develop a desire to give you love and receive it. This means your ex must find a good reason to be with you rather than with some other person.
Typically, the thing that triggers this craving is a desire for safety and reassurance. If your ex feels unsafe, unwanted, depressed, lonely, and uncertain about his or her future and happiness, your ex could contact you to fix that.
Your ex could rely on you for help with self-acceptance and direction in life.
Keep in mind that your ex’s ability to notice you and care about you emotionally depends greatly on your ex’s emotional state, the things happening to and around your ex, and your ex’s perceptions of you. If your ex thinks of you as a person who suffocates him or her, your ex will walk right past you.
He or she won’t care if you look great because your ex will still blame you for the breakup and feel uncomfortable with you. This could change only if your ex makes an effort to change it. Your ex would essentially need to acknowledge that he or she judged you poorly and that you deserve better.
Mind you that to get back with you, your ex would need to want a favor from you, not vice versa. Your ex would have to crave your forgiveness and acceptance.
As long as you want your ex to see you looking good and validate you, your ex probably won’t feel the desire to be validated. And if your ex feels no desire for validation, it’s unlikely that he or she will want you back.
You need to respect and love yourself in order to gain your ex’s respect and love.
So remember; your ex needs to feel the desire to obtain recognition and love from you. That’s the only way your ex can change his or her mind about the breakup and give you your lost back power. Once you have your power back, your ex will depend on you emotionally, apologize, give you compliments/affection, ask for time, and try to reconcile.
You need to be patient and make sure that you’re as attractive as you can be.
Yes, your looks are a part of the attraction too. Just don’t forget that what sets you apart from other dating candidates isn’t what can be seen on the surface but rather what’s between your ears. If you neglect what’s inside your head by doing nothing except hitting the gym 7 days a week, your relationship won’t be any different even if your ex comes back.
It will probably fail because you won’t have learned the lessons you need to learn.
So don’t just pay attention to your looks. This is the perfect chance for you to engage in introspection and make some thinking and behavioral adjustments. The changes you make as a result of the breakup will determine the success of your next romantic relationship/s, and ultimately, how happy you are.
Relationships are a big part of our life.
Don’t waste this irreplaceable time by overfocusing on one particular thing such as the way you look. Although abs, big booty, a new hairstyle, and makeup are nice, they haven’t attracted any exes back so far. Exes need much more than good looks to be wooed back.
They need to want your personality.
That’s why how you maintain health and fitness and how you dress concerns you more than it does your ex. It shows how you view yourself, how you take care of yourself, and how you express yourself.
These three things are important (especially to people who don’t know you and have no negative perceptions of you). But, on the other hand, they don’t affect an ex who knows you and left you because of bigger issues.
You must remember that your ex left you because of other reasons and that as long as those reasons are still present, your ex will ignore your physical changes and improvements. Even though he or she will probably like them and wonder why you decided to work on your physical health, they won’t reignite the spark your ex needs to love you.
Your ex might just mention your physical changes to your friends and family or compliment you in person or online.
It’s hard to say if your ex will do anything when he or she sees you looking good because it strongly depends on your ex’s personality and how your ex sees you as a person. If your ex dislikes you or feels uncomfortable, your ex will probably not speak with you.
Your ex will probably avoid you like the plague.
But if your ex respects you and still talks to you, then your ex will probably point it out and might even encourage you to keep doing your best. If your ex does that, remember that your ex doesn’t want you back but that your ex wants you to feel good about the progress you’ve made.
Exes who stay in touch tend to support each other. They don’t have romantic feelings (at least not dumpers), so they give compliments and make dumpees feel that they still care about them romantically.
In reality, they just want to be supportive exes.
That being said, here’s what happens when your ex sees you looking good.
Don’t expect your ex to come crawling back the moment your ex sees you looking good. It’s unlikely that anything will happen at all. Your ex might become curious about the motivation behind your physical changes, but curiosity alone isn’t enough for your ex to become regretful.
As I stated earlier, it normally takes something shocking for a person who leaves you to reflect, realize his/her mistakes, and discern your worth.
Remember that your appearance will have the best effect on your ex when your ex struggles physically, emotionally, psychologically, or financially. It doesn’t matter how your ex struggles as long as your ex becomes nostalgic and questions his or her decisions in life.
When that happens, your ex will connect your radiance with happiness and success and might get curious or envious of your inner peace. Your ex will then do everything in his or her power to reconnect.
What does the dumpee feel and do when he/she sees you looking good?
Dumpees usually get insecure when they see their ex looking good. They take their ex’s attractive appearance personally as they think their ex became more attractive to attract or impress other people.
This severely impacts their self-esteem and makes them want to be with their ex even more.
Dumpees hate seeing their ex change or improve. Post-breakup changes scare them and make them obsess over the breakup. The more insecure and hurt they feel, the more they blame themselves and crave their ex’s recognition.
This is why dumpers must be mindful of their ex’s health and well-being. They can do that by remembering that their ex is watching their every move and that they mustn’t drink and party and appear overly excited that their ex is out of the picture.
Sadly, many dumpers don’t care about their ex’s feelings. They think their ex’s problems have nothing to do with them, and as a result, change their appearance and behavior.
Some dumpers try new things, dress provocatively, and behave irresponsibly, childishly, and out of character.
They try to look and act differently for many reasons—the biggest ones being post-breakup relief and a strong desire to disassociate from the dumpee.
If dumpees see them acting differently, they think the dumper has changed and completely forgotten about them. They despise the dumper for that even though the dumper is going through an empowering relief stage and feels elated by the breakup.
So if you’re the dumper and wonder what your ex feels when your ex sees you looking good, know that it depends on your ex’s coping mechanisms and how you behave. If you don’t show off and make your ex worried, your ex is probably “just” dealing with post-breakup blues.
But if you’re going out a lot, partying, meeting new people, and dressing up, then your ex is probably thinking you’ve forgotten about him or her and stopped caring completely.
If you don’t want to hurt your ex, you should stop posting hurtful things on social media and making it look like you’re a completely different person.
If the breakup is only a few months old, your ex will probably get offended and wonder if he or she even knew you.
What do you think your ex thinks, feels, and does when your ex sees you looking good? Do you want your ex to notice you and talk to you? Let us know what you hope in the comment below.
And if you’d like to talk to us about how to act when you run into your ex, visit our coaching page to get in touch.
