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There are a few different instances that happened during the time I was newly separated that caused me to classify myself as temporarily psychotic, one of those being when I figured out my ex was dating my friend. I have since come to realize that “My ex is dating my friend” is not so uncommon.
When I found out my ex was dating my friend, I seriously felt like I was going to go insane with anger. Here was a woman who I thought was a really good friend. We had gotten together a few times and I had told her things–personal things about my ex and our relationship, why I was getting divorced, etc. etc.
I shared things with her and trusted her. Weeks later, I saw my ex leaving her house at 6am! It was like a stab in the heart. Not just because of him, but because of her, too. I felt utter shock and disbelief. I felt like I’d been burned. I felt stupid. I felt like a naïve chump who was the subject of their laughter.
After those feelings came anger. Immense fury. I wanted to punch both of them! How could they do this to me?! I hated them and everyone else who I thought could possibly know about their relationship. I felt like a victim of deceit. I thought about them giggling and laughing and kissing and being blissfully happy.
The relationship lasted for about 6 months (I think) and years later, I’ve come to realize how I can take my reaction to that whole thing and help others.
I think, “My ex is dating my friend” is relatively common. If you find yourself in this situation, it can drive you nuts. I get it. Here are some tips on how to handle it and how NOT to go insane:
1. Your ex and “your friend” are the ones who should feel stupid, NOT YOU.
What they are doing is really unfair and unacceptable. YOU have done nothing to warrant their behavior. All the negative feelings you are feeling about yourself should be put on them.
2. Their relationship is most likely working because of the “scandalous and forbidden” element.
That’s half the fun for them. They don’t even realize that. When that wears off, and everyone in the community moves on to the next piece of gossip, and your ex and your friend really get to know each other, the appeal will fade.
3. He or she could be doing this to you to act out his or her anger towards you in a passive aggressive way.
It’s sad but very true. He/she might not even realize that they are with the person to get back at you. Don’t put yourself into that venom. Remove yourself from it and rise above.
4. Grit your teeth, accept it, act classy and show grace to the outside world. It will pass.
I remember people in my neighborhood would tell me they saw them out and I would seriously cringe, and then go home and cry. The people weren’t trying to be cruel, by the way. Make sure not to react too much in front of others because it could get back to your ex and your friend. Plus, when the relationship ends, people will remember how you reacted, and you want that memory to be good, like they remember you acted with class and grace.
5. DO NOT make a scene and get into a girl fight with the girl.
It’s unproductive. Obviously you aren’t going to be overly friendly to your ex and your friend. In fact, if you are a little icy that’s okay. Just don’t go crazy and make a scene if you see them out. No good can come from it and it will just bring them closer together and make others think you are the unstable one (which you aren’t!)
6. Call your REAL girlfriends.
The fact that this girl did this to you is probably making you feel insecure about girl friendships. So, call your girls up! Call the ones you know are your true friends. They will support you more than you could have possibly imagined. They will assure you that they are your best friends and that you are loved.
7. Recognize that the relationship probably won’t last.
What are the chances they are going to end up happily ever after? Especially if he is newly separated. If it does, you can handle it because of tip #8.
8. Focus on your own life.
It doesn’t matter what HE is doing or what SHE is doing. SHE obviously is a bad friend and you and he are getting a divorce, regardless of her, right? So, let them have their fun and concentrate on making your own life better. Focus on your kids, your career, and your love life, if you choose. Dating after 50 can be wonderful! A good friend used to say to me, “You’re on your own road. Travel it!”
Lastly, if you are on the other end of this, meaning if you are the one who starts dating your friend’s ex, PLEASE handle it this way: Confront your friend and apologize. Say something like, “This isn’t personal. We really like each other. I hope you understand that we don’t want to hurt you. I’m so so sorry.”
She will still be upset, but at least you’re thinking of your friend’s feelings. It’s an unselfish act. If she goes off on you, at least you can say you handled it the best way you could have.
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