How to Avoid Getting Pulled Into an Avoidant Relationship Before It Starts

I want to change your mindset about something before we dig into the article. I’ve been in the writing and coaching business for over six years now, and there is something that has become a recurring theme, no matter who I am talking to.

“I wish I had never met them in the first place.”

I want to dispel this notion because meeting someone who isn’t the right fit for you is the best thing that could ever happen to you.

When you were a kid, you learned how to ride a bike by falling. You learned the stove was hot after your first burn. You learned how to cook by putting salt in your cornflakes instead of sugar.

Okay, that last one was just me. The point is, you had to go through a process of trial and error before you knew how to complete a new skill.

You don’t wish you had never met the person. You wish that you could have identified their flaws early and been able to execute a vetting system that would have weeded them out before things got serious.

Well, hop back on the bike, get your hand away from the stove, and grab the sugar because I am here to teach you how to identify avoidant before you’re in too deep.

I’m not here to try and erase any pain you may have come across on your journey to this article. Dealing with anyone with a lack of awareness or care toward their attachment style can sting when the outcome is your well-being.

I’m going to give you the awareness you’ve been searching for, so this scenario never happens to you again.

Reverse Uno

Most people I meet have made one of two mistakes before they realize the snowball of turmoil has already begun collecting snow.

We show up to the dating atmosphere, hesitant to show our full selves. We want to show all the highlights and sparkling qualities, but one of the not so sexy topics has to come up.

The first is that many of us don’t predefine what our non-negotiables are in developing relationships or ones where we’re taking that next step toward commitment.

Does this need to happen on the first date? It can.

It needs to happen before you move toward things such as intimacy, extensive time together, and commitments, etc.

We get nervous about bringing this conversation to the table early on because we don’t want to feel needy or overbearing, but where that leaves you is in a position to play catch-up when the issues arise.

When you wait and play nice, now you look mean, needy, and overbearing.

The second mistake people make is that they don’t set expectations early. For example, I am not the type of person who wants to text all day and send cute memes. In a nice form, “I value in-person communication and connection.”

Well, if you don’t want to disappoint someone because you’re like me, then set the expectation early, and if you are working with someone who is the opposite, then you can come up with a game plan to meet in the middle.

The key to this first pillar is that you will always lose if you don’t get ahead of this. You will be on defense instead of attacking this from an offensive position.

You can not play defense with an avoidant because they will not respond well to “things they haven’t heard before,” or things “that aren’t that serious.” I bet you’ve heard those before.

Follow the trail

Let’s be honest, because I cannot completely let you off the hook on this one. More often than not, your avoidant partner showed you signs and inconsistencies early in the relationship.

Let’s start with the last pillar we just spoke about. If you are one of those people who tell your partner your boundaries and set your non-negotiables, do you remember their response?

Did they nod their head, or did they dig in deeper by asking questions, did they try their hardest to change the topic, or did they ask where your needs developed from?

Next, did they follow through? It’s one thing for me to be empathetic and hear about your needs and desires, but it’s another thing for me to go a step further because “I know how important it is to you.”

Take note of their emotional response before you turn the finger on yourself and wonder if you had the conversation.

Another piece of dealing with an avoidant is setting the “consistency pattern” early on. Avoidants are not necessarily inconsistent, but they struggle to be consistent. Okay, that might have sounded dumb, but let me explain.

Avoidants live in harmony and dodge turbulence at all costs. They don’t notice that you haven’t talked today or seen each other in three. All they know is that harmony is intact.

That same effect leads to them being slow to commit to the relationship. In their mind, they are present, making everything happy and jolly, so what are you pressing for?

Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? It goes back to placing a boundary in front of intimacy and time commitments until we have laid out a path for you to feel fulfilled in these areas.

“I move slowly,” “I don’t see a need for labels,” are all ways to duck and dodge while keeping you present because after all, everything is going great, right?

Rinse, wash, repeat

When dealing with an avoidant, it’s essential to maintain consistency in your needs.

That comes in two parts.

You cannot keep switching up and adding and subtracting from your needs. I am not saying you’re not allowed to do this, but the constant switch gives your partner an out, and you cannot allow your avoidant partner that opportunity.

Next, “because I’ve said it before,” does not explain a negative reaction to your partner. Your needs can not only be a discussion point when they’re violated. When your partner shows up, it is an opportunity for you to reward them, too.

You also have to talk about your behavior from a standpoint of reiteration, not accusation. Remember, when harmony is alive, you can get the proper response from your partner.

Pointing the finger is the quickest way to tear harmony in half.

Lastly, no one likes to put it into action, but your partner needs to feel the power of you being able to walk away.

You get stuck because you have hope that they can change a.k.a. the infatuation and fun is at an all-time high, so you don’t want to let it go, or you think you can change them over time.

Both of these will lead to immediate failure.

Remember, avoidants are generally caught in a push-pull dynamic. You pull in closer, and they push away. Well, what do you think happens when you show the strength to pull away?

You are diving all the way in when they don’t have swim trunks on.

Want to learn about the behaviors of the dismissive-avoidant? Get a free guide here.

If you’re ready to work through your relationship patterns and earn secure attachment, I offer a structured 8-week Attachment Style Transformation course as well as one-time 1:1 coaching sessions. To learn more and see if it’s a good fit, click here or email me at bcawosika@gmail.com to book a free 15-minute onboarding call.