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I used to think loving harder made me a better partner.
Like if I showed up more, cared more, planned more, explained more, initiated more eventually it would all even out.
Eventually she’d feel it and meet me there.
That’s the lie a lot of us tell ourselves.
Because at some point, love stops feeling like connection and starts feeling like effort management.
Like you’re constantly adjusting yourself to keep the thing alive.
And here’s the uncomfortable truth I had to swallow:
If you’re the one doing everything initiating every conversation, planning every hangout, fixing every issue, carrying every emotional moment the relationship slowly stops being attractive.
Not because you’re doing something wrong.
But because balance matters more than intensity.
We don’t talk about this enough, but women like to chase too.
Not in some toxic, manipulative way.
Just in the very human way of wanting to feel chosen not overwhelmed.
When you give everything, all the time, without space, without pull, without room for her to step forward…
there’s nothing left for her to reach for.
And that’s when things get weird.
She doesn’t necessarily leave right away.
She just starts leaning back.
Gets quieter.
Less engaged.
Less curious.
Not because she doesn’t care
but because the relationship stopped asking anything of her.
And no one wants a connection where their presence isn’t required.
I had to learn that love isn’t proving your worth.
It’s not convincing someone to stay.
And it’s definitely not forcing consistency out of someone who isn’t choosing it freely.
You’re supposed to do what you’re supposed to do
be present, be kind, be intentional, be emotionally available.
But you’re not supposed to do it alone.
Because when someone has to choose you when they feel like they could lose you if they don’t show up that’s when attraction stays alive.
Not fear.
Not games.
Just mutual effort.
So if you feel like you’re carrying the relationship on your back, ask yourself this honestly:
Are you building something together…
or are you just trying to keep something from falling apart?
Because love should feel chosen.
Not managed.
And if that realization stings a little
yeah, it did for me too.
That’s usually how you know it’s real
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: LexScope On Unsplash
The post I Thought Loving Harder Would Save Us appeared first on The Good Men Project.
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