9 Questions You Should Ask Yourself Before You Commit to Someone

Most people think commitment starts when you say “yes” to a relationship.

It starts with the questions you ask yourself — before you ever give your heart away.

I didn’t learn that until I committed to someone without asking any of the hard questions.
I was in love with potential, not reality. I was chasing chemistry and ignoring compatibility.

And it cost me — time, self-worth, and a version of myself I had to fight hard to get back.

So here’s what I wish someone had told me back then.
Not surface-level advice. Not cute Instagram quotes.

But real, soul-checking questions that reveal whether you’re about to build a partnership or a disaster.

1. Do I Like Myself When I’m Around Them?

It sounds simple — but it’s everything.

You could be with someone attractive, charming, even wildly successful. But if you don’t like who you become around them — anxious, insecure, too quiet, too loud — something’s off.

Truth check:
If their presence makes you feel small, confused, or like you’re constantly performing — that’s not love. That’s distortion.

You deserve to feel like you, not a filtered version of yourself.

2. Do Our Core Values Match — or Just Our Hobbies?

We love talking about shared music taste and favorite shows.
But when real life kicks in — marriage, kids, money, boundaries, conflict — none of that matters.

Ask yourself:

• Do we align on family goals?
• How do they handle money, faith, lifestyle, crisis, forgiveness?
• Can we build a future or just share a weekend?

Don’t fall for compatibility that only works on Friday nights.

3. Do I Feel Safe Being Fully Honest With Them?

Not just safe from violence — but safe from judgment, emotional manipulation, guilt trips.

Test it:
Can you share a dark thought without being shamed?
Can you express a need without being made to feel needy?

If love costs you your voice, it’s too expensive.

4. Am I Choosing Them Because I’m Whole — or Because I’m Lonely?

There’s a massive difference between:

• Wanting someone to share your life with
• And needing someone to feel like you have a life at all

Reflection:
Are you with them because they make your life better — or because you’re afraid to face it alone?

Real love is addition, not anesthesia.

5. Do I Trust Them When They’re Not Around?

Not just in loyalty — but in integrity.
Can you trust them to speak your name with respect when you’re not in the room?
To hold your heart with care, even when it’s inconvenient?

Example:
I once dated someone who never cheated, but constantly flirted for attention.
It wasn’t betrayal — but it sure wasn’t trust.

Your nervous system knows. Listen to it.

6. Can We Navigate Conflict Without Destroying Each Other?

Every relationship will have conflict.
But it’s how you fight that reveals the truth.

Do they:

• Listen to understand — or to win?
• Apologize sincerely — or flip the blame?
• Stay respectful — or get cruel?

Reminder:
Passion shouldn’t mean pain. And yelling isn’t communication — it’s emotional violence dressed up as intensity.

7. Do I Like Their Life — Not Just Their Personality?

You can love someone’s heart and still not be able to live in their world.

Ask:

• Do I respect their work ethic?
• Their lifestyle? Friends? Habits?
• Could I build a future with this — not just them?

Because when the honeymoon ends, you’re living with their choices… not their charm.

8. Do They Make Me Feel More Me — or Less Me?

This is one of the most powerful love-checks I’ve ever learned.

Real story:
I once dated someone who said they loved my fire — but always tried to dim it.
Called me “too intense,” “too ambitious,” “too sensitive.”

Eventually, I realized… they didn’t love me.
They loved the version of me they could control.

Real love expands you. Fake love edits you.

9. Am I Choosing Them from Fear — or from Love?

Sometimes we commit to avoid heartbreak. To escape loneliness. To silence pressure.

But if the foundation of your “yes” is fear, you’ll end up building resentment, not roots.

Ask yourself with raw honesty:

• Would I choose them again if I wasn’t afraid of starting over?
• Am I here because I’m in love — or because I’m afraid to lose what we could’ve been?

Let your “yes” come from wholeness — not from survival.

Final Thought

Before you commit to anyone, commit to this:

Never betray yourself in the name of love.

Because the deepest heartbreak isn’t what they did to you.
It’s what you kept allowing — while calling it love.

So ask the hard questions.
Pause when it’s uncomfortable.
And trust yourself — even when your heart wants to rush ahead.

You deserve a love that’s rooted in truth — not in fantasy.

And the only way to find it… is to ask yourself the right questions before you say yes.

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