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One of the most painful things that people experience when they’re living through a divorce is the feeling of regret. Whether you were the one who ended your marriage, or your partner did, ‘divorce regret’ can be profound and very difficult to manage.
As a couples counselor who specializes in breakup and divorce recovery, I’ve sat with so many heartbroken people in divorce counseling who would give anything to go back in time and do things differently in their marriages. Accepting that they can only go forward is a stage of healing after divorce. I help them to process their feelings and pick up the pieces of their lives. And when they’re ready, I help them open themselves up to love again, armed with strength, wisdom, and clarity that they didn’t have before.
Like any of our dark emotions, regret is not a bad thing. After divorce, it can be a powerful catalyst for personal growth and transformation, if you know how to process regret in a way that’s productive and self-compassionate.
I hope this article helps you do that. If you’d prefer to listen, I’ve also recorded an episode of the Love, Happiness and Success podcast on this topic. You can find it on this page, or on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Why We Feel Regret After Divorce
Regret is a part of grief, including the grief we feel after a relationship ends. According to a study by Avvo.com, about 27 percent of women and 32 percent of men regret the divorce itself, not to mention the decisions that led the marriage to fail. When you’re feeling the pain of loss, it’s natural to reflect on past decisions and wonder what you could have done to avoid this outcome.
Here are a few of the common regrets that I hear from people going through a divorce:
- Many people regret not trying harder to save their marriages.
- Not taking their ex-partner more seriously when they voiced their unmet needs.
- Not getting into high-quality marriage counseling before things became irreparable.
- Overlooking red flags or compatibility issues early on.
- The financial aftermath of divorce.
- Mistakes like infidelity or other violations of trust.
- The partner who initiated the divorce very often experiences regret about their decision to end the marriage as they work through their emotional healing process.
No one gets out of divorce unscathed. But, some people are able to harness regret and use it as an opportunity for introspection, self-discovery, and positive change, which sets them up to have healthier relationships in the future. If you’re experiencing divorce regret, this is the outcome that I believe you deserve.
When Does Divorce Regret Set In?
After a breakup or divorce, regret isn’t something that sets in immediately and stays the same. It comes and goes, and it takes different shapes throughout the divorce recovery process.
This is especially true if you’re going through a divorce that you didn’t want. In the beginning, you might feel regret about the narrow set of circumstances that led up to your partner throwing down the gauntlet, like an argument or refusing to try marriage counseling. As time goes on, you gain perspective that may lead you to regret how you showed up in the relationship more generally.
For the partner who initiated the divorce, it can take some time to feel regret, but I can tell you that just about everyone feels some regret eventually in the healing process. Often feelings of regret are strongest when their Ex moves on with someone new, or when their Ex reaches a point in their healing process where they’ve started emotionally detaching from the relationship.
How to Harness Post-Divorce Regret
The most productive way to process regret is to use it as a catalyst for personal growth. Instead of beating yourself up for past mistakes, reflect on what you learned from your divorce and how it will inform your future.
You can do this while treating yourself with love and compassion. This is how we grow — by allowing ourselves to feel the pain of our regrets and to be changed by them. We don’t grow when we’re comfortable; we grow when we are challenged by emotional pain to reflect on our lives and make changes.
But we also don’t grow when we’re stuck in toxic shame or low self-esteem, which often accompanies the end of a relationship. Working with a good divorce recovery counselor can help you stay out of the shame zone while seizing your opportunities for growth after divorce.
True growth requires introspection and accountability, but also self-compassion. By owning your mistakes and loving yourself anyway, you pave the way for genuine healing.
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