Stop “Playing Small” | Growing Self Counseling & Coaching

Why You’re Playing Small 

If you’re playing small, there are a few common reasons for that: 

1. External pressure 

Thanks to racism, sexism, and other biases, many people face real pressure from the world at large to be subordinate and non-threatening. For example, women who are appropriately assertive in the workplace may be labeled “bitches,” while similar male coworkers would be said to have “leadership potential.” When being bold and confident comes with consequences, choosing to “play small” at times can be a smart strategy, unfortunately. 

2. Fear of envy 

Not everyone appreciates it when you succeed. There are some people who will feel threatened by the best parts of you, and they may express their jealousy as criticism, ridicule, or rejection. Downplaying your gifts can be a way of protecting yourself from their envy, but it ultimately ensures that you will be surrounded by insecure people who don’t want you to shine. Better to displease these folks and nudge them out of their comfort zones, or out of your life, when you can safely do so. 

3. Past experiences 

Bad experiences in the past may have shaped you into a smaller version of yourself. Maybe you grew up in a family where being unremarkable was the safest thing to be. Or, maybe you had a disapproving ex, or boss, or friend who cut you down. If so, recognizing these old lessons and actively creating a new narrative for yourself can help you stop playing small. 

4. Fear of failure 

It’s very common for people to avoid taking risks because they’re afraid of failing. When you’re playing small, you might not apply to your dream job or try out for the soccer team because you’re afraid that you won’t be able to handle the overwhelming feelings that come with rejection or failure. 

You don’t want to avoid all risks. You want to learn to trust yourself, and feel confident about your ability to manage the experience of failure, learn from it, and do better next time. That is the key to success. 

5. Mindset

“Good people are agreeable. They don’t get into conflict.” 

“The best thing I can do for others is stuff my own needs and prioritize theirs.” 

If you have self-limiting beliefs like these (and if you do, they’re probably unconscious), then it makes sense that you would be playing small. 

How to Stop Playing Small: Designing Your Life

If you’re ready to stop playing small, the work is reflecting on what you really want in life and who you want to be in the world. What does a meaningful life look like to you? What are you prioritizing? When you look at the things that you put time and energy into, do they reflect your priorities? Or do you spend most of your time avoiding discomfort? 

There’s a special type of coaching called holistic life design that we offer at Growing Self. It helps you dig deep to find answers to questions like these, and then make intentional changes to bring your life into alignment with who you want to be. I’ve seen many people blossom into bigger versions of themselves intentionally designing their lives around what matters most to them, and I highly recommend this approach if you have a tendency to play small. 

It’s also important to curate your relationships, actively choosing who you spend your time with and removing the negative influences from your life as much as possible. This isn’t an overnight fix, but a gradual process that reshapes your social circle over the course of years. As you make the shift, connecting with people who embody the confidence and presence you aspire to can be incredibly motivating. These role models can give you the courage and inspiration you need to “play big” and gradually shed the fears that make you play small. 

Addressing internal barriers is also critical. This means exploring the anxiety you feel about taking up space and asking for what you need. Some of your fears probably have a basis in reality and need careful management — like the coworker who really will try to make your life hell if you outshine them. Others are just internal echoes of outdated, self-limiting beliefs that you can safely disregard. Knowing the difference helps you listen to the fears that are genuinely protecting you, and tune out the ones that are just holding you back.

I challenge you to start stepping outside of your comfort zone and confronting the habits that keep you playing small. Consistently choosing growth over comfort will change your life in profoundly positive ways, helping you dismantle the fears that constrain you and set a new standard for how you engage with the world. That is how you live life to your fullest potential. 

And if you’d like support from a holistic life design expert on my team, I invite you to schedule a free consultation. 

With love, 

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby 

P.S. — I have an entire collection of articles and podcasts to help you begin designing your life. I hope you’ll check it out!