Energy Audit #5: Tolerating Low-Grade Contempt in a Relationship

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What it is

Couple therapist, Jinashree Rajendrakumar, states that contempt generally comes from a place of superiority where one partner and makes the other feel inferior in the relationship, and it can take the form of verbal or non-verbal language for instance, sarcasm, mockery, and facial gesture.

Low-grade contempt in a relationship, however, is that subtle but persistent expressions of disrespect which, without fail, always corrode the relationship’s foundation. It can involve micro-aggressive and dismissive gestures like eye-rolling, and generally a sense of superiority causing negative feelings in the partner being disrespected.

What it looks like

You may not notice it at first because it is not yelling or an outright betrayal in the typical sense, just something subtler like a sigh or a smirk. It can also come in the form of a “calm down” when you were already, as far as you knew, pretty chill.

How about that unnecessary correction when you were only trying to speak freely? And when you do speak, there is a slight delay before they respond, almost like your words have to pass through their inner quality filter first. Sadly, over time, you stop bringing things up and expressing yourself freely.

“Who wants to feel foolish in their own relationship?”

What it does

The instances may be too numerous to mention but one thing is clear, it is contempt, and even though it is of the low-grade variety that may be easy to excuse because you like to think they didn’t mean it like that the sad thing is, it gets to eat away at you slowly. This it does partly because it never feels big enough for you to confront.

Uasually, we can survive even the most heated arguments in our relationships and bounce back from the rough patches, but this kind of contempt just works differently.

Again, when someone always makes you feel small this way, you will tend to waste a lot of your energy either trying to win their approval or, at the very least, trying to prove that you are not as dumb as they like to act you are.

“The sad thing is, it gets to eat away slowly at you because it never feels big enough for you to confront.”

When they may not know they are doing it

The surprising thing is about low-grade contempt is that it can sometimes be unconscious, even though this doesn’t make it any less costly. For instance, a partner may not realize they are doing it because they were raised in a home where mockery was normal and acceptable.

Then again, they may just be tired of you. Either way, it doesn’t matter because for you, the effect is the same.

“Often, partners are unaware of what they said or did, especially contemptuous gestures like an eye roll or chuckle that elicited their partner’s wrath.”
— Jinashree Rajendrakumar, Gottman Couple Therapist.

What you should do or never do

Think of contempt as the opposite of admiration: when your partner looks at you with admiration, you will feel safe, seen, and energized. On the other hand, when they treat you with contempt, even subtly, you will be deflated. Now, relationships can survive conflict, even a lot of it, but contempt disrespects, and no relationship can endure sustained disrespect and remains healthy. You have to nip it in the bud.

Don’t keep letting it go by telling yourself that it is just their way, and picking a fight over every eye roll feels petty. What will happen is that the more you let it slide, the more you teach yourself to accept a relationship that only diminishes you continuously.

“When someone always makes you feel small this way, you will tend to waste a lot of your energy either trying to win their approval.…”

Of course, not every eye roll is cause for war, unless of course there is a pattern. In which case, you are not being “too sensitive” but picking up on something real. So keep listening to your gut (it is a lot smarter than your excuses) and it will let you know whenever you are not safe to be fully yourself which is a sure sign of contempt of any variety.

So, if you are tired all the time around someone who never really seems to be doing anything openly wrong, then ask yourself whether you feel respected. Not merely tolerated or occasionally complimented, but respected, and here is a hint: when someone truly respects you, they don’t act like your emotions are an inconvenience. They will always meet you on the level.

“Hint: when someone truly respects you, they don’t act like your emotions are an inconvenience.”

Finally, what we are NOT saying

We are not saying you have to be in a realtionship with someone who is perfect in every sense. And as a matter of fact, you don’t even need someone who always agrees with you, just someone who doesn’t make you feel stupid for being who you are.

It also bears repeating that this kind of contempt is a silent energy drain facilitated by the silence you have learned to keep, therefore, stop excusing it and start respecting yourself and meeting people on your own terms. You can still love someone, and still outgrow how they treat you.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.