We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve

I am an avid devourer of any psychological read. From self-help books to research-based articles, to psychological thrillers. From time to time, I also encounter young adult books with strong and fulfilling messages, like Steven Chbosky’s book, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I strongly resonate with his most celebrated quote, “We accept the love we think we deserve,” for one simple reason. The love we think we deserve is the love we are accustomed to.

It’s quite simple.

We cannot request ‘healthy love’ if we’ve never experienced it before.

From a very early age, we are taught about love and what love really entails. We observe how our parents love each other, and how they love us, their offspring. This type of love and interaction deeply imprints itself within our souls; may I say, and it follows us throughout our entire lives.

Part of falling in love and being strongly attracted to specific people has to do exactly with this. We unconsciously seek those slight traits that remind us of “home”, and ergo, are drawn to a set of qualities, or flaws in some people.

If you received nurturing love while growing up, and your parents treated each other, and you with respect, then you wouldn’t be able to tolerate any type of emotional or physical abuse.

On the other hand, if you were raised in a very toxic environment, then you probably won’t even be able to detect (or even stop) any of the familiar abusive behavior. Because during those early formative years, these abusive behaviors were normalized.

And this is why:

We accept the love we think we deserve.

Since we’ve never been loved in a healthy way, we start believing it is what we deserve. Or even worse. We believe this is what love’s supposed to be.

Let’s take Jessica as an example.

Jessica has always had a conflictive relationship with her mother. Once she moved across the country for college and met her roommate Stephanie, she became amazed to realize how supportive and nurturing Stephanie’s relationship with her mom was. She just always assumed moms were supposed to be selfish and competitive. You must now be wondering the following:

How did her relationship with her mother affect her as a person?

First of all, growing up in an environment where your emotional needs are not met is a disaster waiting to happen. In this particular case, Jessica’s mom had very low levels of empathy. She was unable to support her daughter in any difficult situation. In addition, she would be extremely critical and judgemental towards her. These constant “put me-downs” implanted in Jessica an unshakeable sensation that she was simply not good enough. In other words, there was absolutely no self-worth, self-love, or self-esteem. All components needed to lead a fulfilling and successful life.

But here’s the thing about Jessica’s mom. We can’t be so harsh on her. After all, she learned this type of loving from her mother. In fact, this pattern may have been replicating itself for generations. It’s called the Nuclear Family Emotional Process. This theorem, depicted by Murray Bowen, states that inter-relational patterns are passed down from generation to generation.

That being said, Jessica’s parents were probably unable to provide nurturing love. You really can’t practice, and much less teach, what has never been taught to yourself.

On the another hand,

How did her relationship with her mother affect her dating life?

It would be logical to think that Jessica would want to date guys that are completely different from her mother. Right?

Well, no. Wrong.

Sadly, we repeat what hurts us.

So the thing with Jessica is that she would always date guys that would constantly put her down. And they would always belittle her just to feel superior. They were competitive, selfish, and extremely obnoxious.

Until one day, her close friend, and roommate, Stephanie, who was majoring in psychology, pointed out the obvious, “Don’t you see you keep dating your mother? Which you loathe?”

In the end, these guys were just mere reflections of her mother’s personality. Jessica hadn’t realized that she was simply repeating a pattern. Over and over again. We have the unconscious need to repeat implanted toxic patterns, as a way to heal(or to finally become self-aware?). As human beings, we tend to always stick to what’s familiar!

In other words, part of being drawn to the wrong people and being strongly attracted to them has to do with the unconscious need of repairing what bothers us. As a way to finally “fix” these types of relationships. This is called Repetition Compulsion and was coined by Sigmund Freud in the year 1920.

So this means that what Jessica was trying to do, was to fill her emotional void and emptiness originated by her mother. This is how she reenacts her mother-daughter relationship repeatedly. She’s actually looking for all the love, and care her mother was supposed to supply. But seeking to fill these strong emotional voids with others will only lead to codependency.

So what is codependency?

Codependency is a relationship where both parts need each other to feel complete.

In this case, Jessica needed someone to make her feel worthy, competent, and above all, loved. Because she had never felt that way. So in her last relationship (let’s call him Mike) she started doing a lot more than she should have. She took a codependent role. She felt that she needed to take care of her partner above any need or want that she may have had.

Mike, on the other hand, took a dependent role. He took advantage of her, and simply took, and took, and took. Jessica thought that if she gave her all, she would finally be loved. Sadly, that was never the case. Mike was a bottomless trunk. He never valued her for who she was. He only valued her for what she could do for him.

Like Jessica, Mike had similar wounds. He needed to feel validated by receiving a lot more than he gave. He needed someone that would prove their unconditional love. Because like Jessica, he never had a nurturing parent while growing up.

So this is the deal.

Only people with unmet emotional needs fall into codependent relationships. Jessica and Mike had similar emotional levels and similar emotional voids. This is how they complemented each other. There was no interpedendency. No work as a team. No taking turns in the caretaking.

Ok so…

How can we break this cycle?

Well, to make matters worse, Jessica couldn’t even see how toxic her relationship was. She simply couldn’t detect when Mike stepped on her or when he was oblivious to her emotions or needs. Because this is what she is used to. So the first step would be:

Self-awareness,

Of course.

You can’t change something you’re not aware of. But… how can she possibly overcome something that’s completely unconscious?

The biggest issue is that this constant repetition only sinks Jessica deeper and deeper into self-criticism and self-loathing.

“People keep treating me this way. I keep attracting the same type of relationships. It’s probably because I am worthless.” It’s a vicious cycle. This highly affects her self-esteem, her self-worth, and most importantly her self-love. This is why we often hear the very well known phrase:

“You can’t, and should not, love someone before you love yourself first”

Jessica’s mother had (unconsciously) taught her that she was worthless, so feelings of self-love, were simply nonexistent. She felt comfortable with Mike because he reinforced what she believed about herself. It resonated with that over-critical and harsh inner voice that had been implanted by her mother within her psyche. That’s how powerful parents’ words are; they become implanted in our psyche as ‘the superego’.

So, long story short, Mike just made sense. But if Jessica became aware of these associations, it could lead to self-love and self-care. A sort of awakening. And this is why self-awareness is the pinnacle of inner growth.

Loving yourself is an ongoing process, though. It does not come overnight. For this, you need some healing.

The first thing Jessica needs to do is to forgive her mother, and understand where these behaviors come from. After she gains some understanding of her family background, she needs to grieve the childhood she never had. She needs to face her emotions regarding her relationship with her mom. It’s important that she talks about these emotions, and that she processes them.

Lastly, she needs to embrace acceptance. Accept that this is her story, her life. Accept that this was her childhood, this is her mother, and that these difficulties, once aware of them, can only make her grow and thrive as a person. Most importantly, she needs to realize that no one can meet her childhood needs, and therefore it’s time to stop looking for love externally. It’s better to focus her energy on finding love within.

Finally, Jessica needs to learn selfishness. But in a good way. Because it’s the only way she would be able to set healthy boundaries. And she has to start at the place of origin. Back to the root.

From Conditioned Love to Conscious Love

We accept the love we think we deserve because we are conditioned to. If we were treated with love and respect while growing up, we will understand that it is what we deserve. If not, we will constantly seek in others what we didn’t have as young children. This constant seeking, this need to fulfill emotional voids, makes us vulnerable to falling into destructive codependent relationships.

To attain inner growth and to break free from toxic patterns, it is necessary to become aware of your history and understand the origin of these sensations.

Accept your history as part of who you are, process your emotions, and internalize them as lessons to become wiser, stronger and above all, emotionally intelligent. This is a safe way to redefine yourself and redirect your life to a much more functional and healthy path.

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