Six Healthy Ways to Cope With Resenting Your Partner

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I once thought I couldn’t resent my partner. We were once so in sync. Planning went beyond days to organizing my life around them.

During my conversation with a friend, the trivial topic drifted back to us. I heard myself saying, “And it’s not enough.” I sounded bitter. I’m still hoping my friend never caught on.

Since the talk, I’ve accepted my resentment. I don’t want it to grow. Nor do I want to be together because of the years spent. I want more for us. So, I’ve been doing small, no-effort things that feel like care. Like finding my way back to our first days of passion, sparks, and sparkles.

I changed my outer layer.

Sometimes, you realize you aren’t in control. Can’t will them or coerce them into being who you want or need.

Overthinking every way they offended you. Whether their actions were unintentional or petty doesn’t help. Only causes you to burn in your anger.

Remove your stagnant energy.

I take a shower. Not enough time? I changed my clothes. Nothing fancy. A new sweat suit. Wore cologne to take out the trash or do laundry.

I opt not to go somewhere. Or head out for a trim while upset. I don’t want to associate peace with being outside my home or away from them. This just makes being around them harder.

I find my reason.

When everything they don’t do (or don’t do well enflames me), I pick a motive to do it for me. Nothing related to “because they didn’t react fast or seem enthused when I said don’t bother.”

I had to accept they weren’t hurt, not having to complete the act of service or affection.

The snacking no longer worked.

I needed theoretical dopamine.

Sometimes, it’s diabolical, like, “Everything is hard. And no one cares.” Other times, I’m my hero. I’ll tell myself: “Every guy needs a quest. It’s great, this one’s short.”

I look at both sides of the seesaw, not the one that feels heaviest.

I want to be happy again. I wasn’t. This feeling is heavy.

I also had to acknowledge the undeniable pull of familiarity. They feel like home. The rhythm, the habits feel easy. Soon. So does the natural rise of resentment.

I began to notice I was outgrowing some of our usual choices before we found new activities together. Expecting stuff they didn’t know I wanted (or once said I wouldn’t desire).

The hardest part is getting them to cross over with you. Learning that, as a couple, self-improvement isn’t a solo act. If you outgrow them, either loneliness, a therapist, or a new person will enter.

The one thing limit.

I’ve used ‘just one thing’ clauses to do and expect more. Thinking one thing starts a flow slide. Blurs into another task.

A touch could lead to more. A kiss progressing to more. Meanwhile, they see everything I didn’t do versus what got done. They wonder how I can function if the dishes aren’t washed right after eating. We started keeping score.

What’s the one thing I can do to quit expecting more of my partner?

Here’s one thing working for us, after all the bickering. We only use large storage containers for salads, fruits, and leaves. Pots cool. Then enter the fridge. Reheat a serving size in the microwave each day. And I’ll wash the pots in the month’s first fortnight. Them in the second. Another? I see them stalling. I fire up the grill.

Doing one small thing to argue less.

To feel as if fewer demands are on their time. For me to feel less expectant. So, tomorrow is easier, and we start falling into a lighter rhythm again.

I sit in my car.

Old me. Would lock up in the bathroom. Hug my phone screen. A shadow passes the door. No. It wasn’t a time reference caused by the sun. Beyond the door, my partner waited.

Now, when I sit in my car, they know it’s for sensory deprivation. Not to avoid them.

Some people journal. Others hike. I stay in my car to trash thoughts I’ve absorbed from scrolling. To let go of harsh feelings about things I can’t control. So, when I go inside, I am present at home with them. I think plain, calm thoughts like, “I’m okay with ordering in pizza for dinner tonight.”

I’ve set 70% acceptances for co-comfort.

Our work hours clash. So do our desires. Our outlook on getting ready and having fun. No talk of settling or bare minimums.

I want to watch a movie. They prefer social media scrolls. I’ll opt for them lying against me. It’s co-comforting. We’ll crack jokes, smiles, and share highlights of the individual fun.

Date nights are expensive. Dressing up has my partner all worked up. We’re stressing each other out. So, I’ll tell her wear her booty shorts, a t-shirt, and a pair of sneakers. And we’re off to somewhere outside. It’s not the typical romantic. But our time together is refreshing, filled with laughter.

Sometimes, it’s okay to break routines. Do things you’d never do. Rather than plan for a romantic or spontaneous date late into the future.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.