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How to Negotiate With A Narcissist: Learn Skills to Communicate & Set Boundaries in High-Conflict Relationships (with Rebecca Zung)
Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, BCC
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is a licensed psychologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified coach, AAMFT clinical supervisor, host of the Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast and founder of Growing Self.
Learning how to negotiate effectively can be the difference between feeling constantly depleted in your relationship and finally regaining clarity, confidence, and self-trust — especially when supported by thoughtful, evidence-based coaching and counseling services that understand high-conflict dynamics.
When relationships become tense, confusing, or emotionally exhausting, many people assume the problem is poor communication. If only we could explain ourselves better, choose the right words, or stay calmer, things might finally improve. Yet in high-conflict relationships, particularly those involving narcissistic dynamics, the issue usually isn’t communication at all. It’s negotiation.
In this episode of Love, Happiness and Success, I sat down with Rebecca Zung, a globally renowned narcissist negotiation expert and attorney, to talk about how to negotiate with a narcissist when the stakes are high and the other person may be unwilling or unable to meet you halfway. What emerged was a powerful reframe: negotiation is not a courtroom skill reserved for lawyers. Instead, it’s a relationship skill, a self-worth skill, and, in many cases, a survival skill.
How to Negotiate When Relationships Are High Conflict
Most of us negotiate every day without realizing it. We negotiate roles, responsibilities, emotional labor, boundaries, and expectations in our marriages, families, and workplaces. When relationships feel balanced, these negotiations happen quietly and collaboratively. However, when power and control enter the picture, negotiation becomes emotionally charged and destabilizing.
For people wondering whether their relationship patterns cross into something more serious, understanding the signs can be critical. Articles like Am I Married to a Narcissist? The Signs, Solutions, and Realities You Need to Know and Dark Psychology & Manipulation: Sneaky Tactics Even Smart People Fall For offer important context for recognizing when negotiation requires a more strategic approach.
Rebecca explains that knowing how to negotiate becomes essential when you’re dealing with someone who is unpredictable, manipulative, or deeply invested in “winning.” In these situations, trying harder to be understanding often backfires. Instead of creating closeness, it leads to resentment, burnout, and a gradual erosion of self-trust.
How to Negotiate Starts With Yourself
One of the most important insights from this conversation is that the first negotiation doesn’t happen with the other person. It happens internally.
Before you can negotiate effectively with anyone else, you need clarity about who you are, what matters to you, and what you are no longer willing to give up. Rebecca describes this as identity leverage. When you feel unsure of your value or afraid to assert your needs, you may negotiate against yourself without realizing it.
This pattern often shows up as over-giving or people-pleasing, themes explored further in “Are You Mad at Me?” Understanding and Healing the People-Pleasing Instinct. Over time, these behaviors undermine self-respect and create deep resentment. Learning how to negotiate with a narcissist begins with recognizing that your needs, boundaries, and well-being are legitimate.
Research supports this internal foundation. A study on narcissism and negotiation outcomes found that narcissistic traits often produce short-term gains at the expense of trust and relationship stability (Park, S. W., Ferrero, J., Colvin, C. R., & Carney, D. R.). That’s why internal clarity matters so much before engaging externally.
Negotiation Tactics That Work When Mindset Comes First
Many people want concrete negotiation tactics right away. What should I say? How should I respond? What’s the perfect script?
While tools matter, mindset comes first. Rebecca believes negotiations are effectively decided before the conversation even begins. If you enter a discussion assuming you’ll lose, that you don’t deserve what you want, or that conflict must be avoided at all costs, your behavior will reflect those beliefs.
Studies on negotiation effectiveness confirm this. Research on mindfulness and negotiation effectiveness shows that emotional regulation and presence directly impact outcomes (Pérez-Yus, M. C., Ayllón-Negrillo, E., Delsignore, G., Magallón-Botaya, R., Aguilar-Latorre, A., & Oliván Blázquez, B.). When you understand why something matters to you, you’re far less likely to fall into reactive patterns.
These principles also apply to everyday communication struggles, such as those discussed in How to Have Difficult Conversations and Is Your Partner “Always” Upset?.
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