Should You Rekindle an Old Love?

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I could never have imagined an old boyfriend and I would be single at this age. I’ve been divorced for years. He lost his beautiful wife far too young. We’ve remained best friends.

That’s all it has been.

We grew up together.

We are each other’s childhoods.

A few months ago we were supposed to get together. We both ended up with conflicts. Not long after, I was supposed to go away with a friend near his home.

I had to cancel.

He invited me to come visit him at his beach place in the next few months. He told me to bring a friend so one of the high school girls will come with me.

It seems like no big deal, right?!

It didn’t when we first spoke of it.

I’m sure it’s still not a big deal to him.

But now I’m not sure what I’m feeling.

We are friends.

We went on to marry the loves of our lives. He was successful at it. I was not. My ex-husband did not turn out to be the love of my life.

There’s been nothing romantic between us since we were kids. He will say I was his first love. I will say that I put him through the ringer in that category.

He asked me out our sophomore year in high school. My family was planning something for my birthday. I couldn’t go. It was at the beach the summer after our junior year that we began dating.

Our senior year was the best.

But the summer came and I was young and fickle. We broke up and got back together, and broke up and got back together. I wasn’t ready for a boyfriend.

I couldn’t stand to be without him either.

When we weren’t together I missed my best friend.

We were on and off for more than two years. I take responsibility for our on again, off again relationship. I hurt him. But somehow he knew it was my immaturity.

One of the greatest things happened.

We remained best friends.

He knows all of my faults but when he looks at me he doesn’t see them. Likewise, I return that favor. He still makes me laugh like no other. And he’s still one of the safest people in the world for me.

It sounds like there should be no dilemma, right?!

Two old friends meeting at the beach with one or two other high school friends. He’s dating. I’m dating. We haven’t looked at each other romantically since college.

But a couple things…

I’m beginning to wonder if our dynamic might change.

We haven’t been in the same room as two single people since we were young. What if it feels differently now? What if something unexpectedly shifts between us?

We will be at the beach.

The same venue that first ignited our romance.

Of course, there will be those high school friends, aka, chaperones. But they will be terrible chaperones because my friends are rooting for a teenage reboot.

They love him.

Of course they do, we all grew up together.

They might be fueling my recent curiosity that something may change.

At the same time, do I let myself be led by fear?

The fear that something will shift? The fear that something will change between us? I’ve done way too much of that these past few years.

I’m tired of running from men, dating, and relationships because I’m afraid.

I think our friendship can survive anything. We’ve already forgiven each other plenty of times. We are more mature. If we were able to maneuver our adolescent angst together we can deal with the here and now.

I’m not saying I think something will change.

I’m saying it’s crossed my mind.

But it didn’t until now.

I don’t know why.

People do connect with past loves.

His mother did.

His mom had been engaged when she met his father. She broke the engagement to marry his dad. They divorced. The man she was originally engaged to discovered this, and he reached out to her.

They remained together.

I believe we are sometimes meant to revisit a prior love.

It’s all about timing.

I’ve written about love and timing. I’ve written about how we can meet a man or woman and want nothing more than that person. But it’s not the right timing.

I guess this is a conversation I should have with him.

Has he thought about it?

Has he wondered or worried something could shift between us?

Because this adult woman…much like that young, fickle girl…

Doesn’t want to lose her best friend.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.